Teach a man to fish

My boys are growing up and with that it is time for me to make sure that they are ready for the next steps in their lives.  I don't see Matthew or David being able to hold down a full time job and being able to be completely independent.  For Matthew, the mental stamina to work more than 3-4 hours a day seems to be his maximum.  For David, the right job, where he can organize and do the things he loves will be key to him functioning at a job, but even the right opportunity will likely mean that the stress of communication will limit him to a few hours per day.

My boys love to be busy and each have a passion it seems for lawn care and lawn mowing.  I have taken advantage of this passion and helped them, along with the support of their respite staff, to line up a variety of lawn care jobs.  On Sunday David mowed 2 lawns and Matthew mowed one lawn.  Together they earned over $70, but more importantly they had a sense of success, accomplishment and pride in the work that they did.  It was hot, and it would have been easier to be home relaxing, and doing their own thing, and yet both went off to their respective lawns with a sense of pride and excitement.

David loves having money in his pocket because he is saving towards purchasing his own lego sets.  He has pride when he buys the sets himself and loves to say, "look at my money", "I mow more, I need more money".  He looks in his wallet frequently and is so proud that it has money he earned himself.

Matthew is just at the point where he is consistently hanging out with 2 friends and like all good teenagers, they love to go out to eat.  Being able to have his own money means that Matthew can go out when he wants to and has cash to spend.  He would be more limited if I had to provide him with the money to do these things.

As I watched David mowing yesterday I kept having the same quote going through my head, "give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he is set for life."  I felt such pride as I watched him not only mow but mow with care and true attention to detail.  He is a hard, hard worker.  It was hot outside and it would have been easy to say, "one lawn is enough", but when he got a call for a second lawn the same day, he quickly jumped at the opportunity.

He mowed around obstacles, he mowed around trees, he knew where he had to go back to go over a spot he missed.  He was so rhythmic and methodical in his efforts.  He took care and pride in his work.  I knew that he loved caring for our lawn, but this was the first time I had taken him on a job to care for someone else's lawn. 

It was the first time that I was able to see that I have 2 boys, both teenagers, diagnosed with limited cognitive abilities, and who require a high level of support in school who are both able to have jobs that provide themselves with pocket money for now, but that as i look into the future there is a true opportunity for them to have a business.  This can easily turn into a job that with someone to oversee and help with scheduling, and managing the financial aspect of the business, that they could have a level of independence and a way to be functional, productive members of society. 

For a child to have a level of success, is beyond important.  My boys are not defined by their limitations, they are defined by their successes in life.  As they have gotten older this is becoming more and more true.

Bloom boys lawn business!  So great to have a last name that lends itself to advertising easily and describing a passion and interest my boys show such strength in.  Even if this does not continue to be something that they love, what I know for a fact is that my boys can be "taught to fish" and will be able to provide for themselves on some level in the future and THAT is the best descriptor of success I can imagine.

California

It was time for us to start doing the impossible.....my niece is dying and we were ready to go visit.....well ready if you count that the plane tickets were purchased.  That was all I could manage to do .  I couldn't book a hotel.  I couldn't pack.  I couldn't make plans.  All of those things meant the trip was real and if the trip was real, then I would need to prepare myself to say goodbye to my niece and to see my brother in the lowest point of his life.  To prepare for that is impossible.  To imagine that is impossible, so in my mind if I never packed or booked a hotel then we couldn't really go and I could stop all of this from happening.

Thankfully Friday morning I called my parents and was able to choke out the words "I need help.  I can't pack all 3 boys, I cant book a hotel.  I can't do this alone."  We made a plan to pack the 3 boys together on Saturday morning, and to get through this all together.  I walked into work, feeling ready, and I think in reality I had just needed to fall apart so that I could be strong enough to move forward.

Saturday morning we got up and one at a time I was able to work with the boys to get everyone packed.  When my dad arrived he handed me a piece of paper with our hotel reservation.  Slowly I was mentally preparing for our trip and moving forward.

On Tuesday, as we landed in California, it was a true relief to see my brother.  He was able to show us how they were coping- for them it was life as normal.  One child has a soccer game, one child has track practice, and they were living each day to the fullest.  This set the tone for us as we headed to their house.  Seeing Samantha was amazing.  She looked good.  If you watched closely you could see signs of her struggling, but for the most part she was laughing, and happy and excited to be with everyone.

I knew that for our visit we would need a plan that included a daily outing.  I knew that my boys needed time out in CA, and I was aware that Samantha needed time of quiet.  I loved seeing that Nathan and Jacob were bonding and I was hopeful that Nathan would join us on some of our outings.

When Matthew was a baby we went to the JellyBelly factory, so armed with a mission to bring back popcorn jelly beans for Samantha, the boys and I plus Nathan headed out!

A little bit lost, plus a flat tire later, (yes our crazy luck followed us to CA!  Of course with a car of 4 boys I got a flat tire.  Of course the person who came out to help us admitted to being high.  Of  course a police officer stopped to help while the person who was helping us was high.  Of course I had to add stress to my brothers life by getting his car a flat tire and of course the trip to the Jellybelly factory that should take less than 30 minutes took us a little over 45!) we arrived at the Jelly Belly factory!!!

As we walked in to the factory Jacob quickly ran to find anything Jellybelly that had Mickey Mouse on it.  Nathan ran to find anything Harry Potter for Samantha and Matthew, David and I stood in line for the tour.  There is something magical about 2 boys who are in a true candy shop and they each immediately run off to find something for their siblings.  With a promise that we would buy these items after the tour we headed off to learn about how JellyBelly jelly beans are made.

Halfway through the tour, which was incredible, Jacob came over sweating and truly looking horrible.  As I frantically looked for a garbage can he tried his best not to throw up.  As this was a self guided tour there was no one who could help us and the entire time David was super excited about all that he was seeing.  David was not sensing the urgency of Jacob's need for a garbage can, and I was having little to no luck finding one and was only hoping that Jacob had a few more seconds while I searched!

After a few seconds of illness we continued on our tour and finished with purchases at the gift shop!  The boys didn't eat many jelly beans on our tour and Matthew was starving so I decided I would continue in the role of "fun Aunt!"  We saw a sign for Fenton's ice cream on our drive home and knowing that my parents had said we HAD to stop here we drove right in.  Nathan quickly insisted we had to try the banana split.  Jacob quickly insisted that if ice cream was anywhere near a banana it was NOT possibly the best thing on the menu, and all Matthew cared about was that he have something to eat, not ice cream!

With the power to "Create A Sundae", Jacob created this monstrosity which included a brownie, hot fudge and cookie crumbles, which Jacob and Matthew shared, Nathan and I indulged ourselves with a banana split and David tackled a Strawberry ice cream soda.  I can easily say this was by far the BEST ice cream I have ever tasted and that as we sat around the table Nathan and the boys were able to share some of their thoughts and fears about Samantha being so sick.  With kids this age these conversations come and go quickly.  Around ice cream sundaes we discussed whether G-d was possibly real and if G-d was real why would this happen to Samantha and our family.  We talked about what happens when someone is dying and we shared our fears.  I was able to share that I have seen 5 families who have lost children to various illnesses and that while life is never the same that they have all continued living.  Somehow after the saddest possible time of your life you find a reason to smile again.  Somehow you continue because you know your sibling or child would want you to continue.  

As kids always do, as this conversation became too hard we moved on to laughing about silliness, and then we wrapped up our ice cream and headed back to see Andy, Teri and Samantha.  Apparently Nathan has a sensitivity to milk which I was unaware of and so Fenton's ice cream may not have been the "best" choice, but I will always believe that the ice cream just set the stage for conversations that were necessary in a safe place.  Plus, I needed memories made on this trip and my boys know me well enough to know that we typically don't go to candy factories AND out for ice cream on the same day!

As we returned to Andy's house, we ran in to give the  popcorn jelly beans and chocolate Harry Potter wand to Samantha.  Of course, as younger brothers and evil cousins often do, the boys had slipped a few of the Harry Potter disgusting jelly beans into the bag of popcorn jelly beans, so we warned Samantha to carefully inspect each jelly bean before eating it.  Samantha then spent a little time doing a Disney puzzle with David and the boys enjoyed some video game time, and then we headed back to the hotel for the night.  

My hope was that each of our days in CA would be filled with some smiles as we prepared for our goodbye and I was able to accomplish my mission today.  Additionally, I was able to have some hard conversations and to let Nathan know that he could reach out at any time.  I was able to set the stage for him that I knew this was hard and that I know other families who have survived this horrendous worst part of life.  We were also able to lay plans for other fun days as we visited so that we could look forward to more memories being made together.

Each night as we returned to the hotel I felt like I had left a piece of my heart at Andy's house.  I will never be sure if our visit was "done right".  It is beyond strange and impossible to go say goodbye to someone who is 16 years old.  We laughed a lot on our trip, had a few serious chats, and shared some time together just hanging out.  For me, my time with Samantha was of such value.  It was a week spent making memories of a lifetime.  For my boys it was simply time being with family and creating memories.  

It will never be enough because you can't live a lifetime in a week, but it was the best we could do under impossible situations, and for that reason, it was ok.

Back to District after 6 years out

Last night I got to share the best news ever with Matthew......he is returning to Bethlehem High School next year as a Super Senior.  Since 6th grade when Matthew moved to BOCES for school Matthew has dreamed of going back to Bethlehem.  For him, being a Bethlehem Eagle with all of his friends was so important, but unfortunately in 6th grade, when he was struggling so much behaviorally, he had to move to an out of district class because our district does not have a class that is appropriate for children with behavioral needs and lower level IQ.

Our local BOCES program has been truly incredible especially over the past 3 years for Matthew. He has had a teacher who truly understood Matthew.  Her standard for behavior was always high and she insisted that he be his very best at all times.  She held him accountable when he struggled and knew how to make him work, learn and succeed.  The principal at his school was incredibly motivating.  he would meet the kids on the basketball court to encourage them to do their best and to remind them of the expectation of proper behavior.  He would meet with Matthew and always remind him of the amazing young man he was becoming.

Between his teacher and his principal, Matthew had a team that I could work with to ensure that he was going to become the best person possible.  Slowly the changes started to occur.  As we worked together, Matthew realized that he was responsible for making good choices, and gained the skills necessary to control his behavior. He was able to access support when he was frustrated but also realized that his tantrums would simply not be tolerated at home or at school.

As time has gone on Matthew has consistently asked for the opportunity to return to our local school district.  I have wanted him to return because I have always been sad that he hasn't had access to the non academic parts of school- band, drama, and other clubs.  However, I knew he wasn't ready and he needed to be in a program that allowed for his emotional and academics needs.

This year his teacher and I thought it might be time for Matthew to prepare to return.  He started to attend an afternoon program which allowed us to see that Matthew was ready in most aspects, but that his future teachers would need to be aware of the importance of having high expectations for Matthew.  While he was thriving in his morning program, the freedom of the afternoon program created some struggles for Matthew.  However, with some teaming between the AM and PM teacher, we were able to help Matthew to reach his full potential in his PM program as well.

This week, after talking to the Bethlehem teacher, and the CSE chair person, it appears that Matthew is ready to return to a Bethlehem Central School District class next year.  Behaviorally he is in a great place.  Educationally, he is still struggling, but that will be something Matthew always struggles with.

As his mom, I am so proud of Matthew.  He truly has worked with his eyes on the prize for the past 6 years and has earned himself this opportunity.  That said, this is also the year that his same age peers are graduating from high school.  They are posting pictures with their swag gear announcing the colleges they are attending.  So many of them are off to the next steps in their lives.  Ready to spread their wings and fly, they are off to College.  For Matthew, this return to our school District, is as big as being accepted to college.  He is truly over the moon, jumping up and down and so proud of himself.

He wants a Bethlehem sweatshirt- which he will absolutely get!  He wants a chance to be on every team and to participate in every club!  He will be in school for the next 3 years and then as he turns 21 he will graduate.  It seems very fitting that he is returning to Bethlehem and truly will be graduating from BOCES.  He has earned this major step in life.  It may not be college, but it is a huge step for Matthew and one that he and I are over the moon proud of!

Life

It has been a long few months and I have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to be a better mom.  David may not say much, but since his most recent respite worker left he has spent a lot of time telling me either
* he is moving in with one of his uncles
* he is changing families to a family where no one yells
* he is running away and moving in with his respite worker


While I know in my head that all families have struggles that no one sees,  it is really hard to have a limitedly verbal child who chooses to use language to insult you.  It is hard to walk downstairs EVERY morning to find food all over the couch, the floor and the entire family room and no matter how calmly I ask David to clean things up, he gets upset.  He then immediately begins to tell me how horrible I am and how awesome it would be to live in 100 other places.  No matter how much I have tried to compliment him for only making a little mess, or downloaded apps on his ipad so he has activities to do in the kitchen while he eats, it is a daily struggle and a true mess.

I know in my heart that it is not his fault.  He struggles with intense ADHD and the meds are not in his system when he gets up in the AM, so I assume this is why he pours cereal all over the kitchen, and then milk all over the place and then when he carries the food into the family room the mess just spreads from there, but it really doesn't matter who's fault it is......it is STILL A HUGE MESS!

I have tried pouring him a bowl of cereal- on those days he chooses to eat pop tarts instead....again, not 1 pop tart, but rather he opens all of the pop tart pouches, takes 1 bite from each pop tart and then leaves them open all over the chair while they crumble all around him.

I have tried leaving him pop tarts- just 1 package- on those days he opens the waffles and takes them all out and takes 1 bite from each waffle, and then leaves them all over the place while he sits and watches tv on top of, next to and all around the waffles.

I have tried getting up at 5 AM to catch him before he gets up and make him breakfast.  On those days he sits silently in his room under his covers watching his ipad, then he goes downstairs to eat when I eventually go up to shower......of course he eats as described above!

I have tried talking to him.  I have had my brother explain how we can get ants, and mice and other yucky things from the food. I have praised him for doing a great job when he eats in the kitchen.  I have done a sticker chart....I have yelled....I have tried everything I can think of. and yet no matter what I try, essentially all I am told is that he hates me and he is moving in with someone else who never, ever, ever yells!

Today as he and I played a game with friends and they saw him become frustrated and saw me become frazzled a friend said something very wise.  I commented on how he always feels like I need to do better to stay calm, and how he needs to be kinder to me, and she reminded me that I need to be calmer to myself!!!

I want to be perfect.  I want to ensure that I have given them no reason to go to therapy....and yet I have already given them 1000 reasons all to go to therapy.  I want to go to bed every night with hugs and kisses all around, but in reality I am human.

I described to Jacob today how I am essentially a human thermometer.  How no one action really ever makes my blood boil, however all of the little actions make the red in my thermometer go up, and unfortunately by the end of the day often my red is at the top and the explosion is often bubbling under the surface.

I do my very, very best to stay calm, and keep the bubbling at bay, but with 3 kids with significant needs, the demands are really high on me.  My children are in school with a lot of adults to support them.  There are a lot of people to hear their demands and to answer their questions.  When one person can no longer hear the same request over and over a new adult can take over. 

At home, I am the only one to hear their true needs.  I am the only one who hears David's voice and all of the challenging things.  ( that is unless he texts you....then you may get one of his texts where he tells you I am mean or something else about me....)I am the only one he hears Matthew beg me to let him drive over, and over and over again.  I am the one who hears Jacob's needs. 

For Matthew it is painful to disappoint him over and over again.  I would love to let him drive, but that would be unsafe for him and those around him. Every time he asks it hurts me.  Yesterday he asked why he "had to be born this way and why his brain is broken".  As I steadied my voice and quickly gave a reason that didn't blame his birth mom, as that is not fair, we talked about him driving one day in the future.   I don't know if that future will come, but at least it bought me time.

For David, once he is medicated life becomes easier, but it is a challenging hour that he and I live through each morning.  I am sure one day we will find a solution, but for now it is up to me to have control over my reaction because I am able to be in control, and he is not.  That said, as my furniture is ruined, and I have to clean up daily, it is hard, and I am human.

For Jacob, his needs are still those of a more typical child, coupled with the speed and impulsivity of his ADHD and at times those are challenges.  There are so many times he questions why he can't be more like "all of the other kids" and I have to remind him that he is doing great, and simply help him move on.  He has grown so much and I am so proud of him. 

This is our daily life.  Of course we are not alone at all in life as we know it, but we are in a minority of people of live in a single parent household with 2 children who have needs significant enough to need to be educated in an out of district placement and one child to be educated in a self contained classroom.  There are a minimum of 4 adults for 6 children in each classroom my children attend,  and yet I am alone at home.  In my rational head, I am not sure why I truly believe I should be able to pull of being with my 3 kids alone.....but my mom head says of course I should be able to do this...maybe it is ME who is crazy!!!!

To Matt on the day after his 17 birthday

Even as Matthew turns 17 the reality that  I am his mom still amazes me.  I still feel 25 and so vividly remember the phone call that there was a little boy who needed a mom.and that while there were still a few hoops to jump through, it was likely that if said yes he would be my son.

I had been working with an adoption agency for almost 4 years when I received that call, so some would say "my time had come", but in so many ways I still was not quite ready.  I had my ovaries removed due to ovarian cysts slowly from the time that I was 13 until I was 21.  Every few months a cyst would form and the cyst would be huge and sometimes strangle a portion of my ovary, or simply would burst and cause such pain that a portion of my ovary was removed.  I had worked in child care from the age of 12,  I knew that all I ever really wanted to be was a mom, so to have my ovaries removed slowly with so many surgeries seemed like the cruelest joke possible.

Given my dream to become a mom, I had the final part of my ovary removed at 21 and soon after I registered with an adoption agency. While I wasn't ready to be a mom at 21, I also knew that the process was a long, drawn out process and I wanted to have a child in my life, so I figured I would start the process early.

At 25 I still had not received even one call from the first agency, and so I signed up with another agency, Adoption Star, which was out of Buffalo and was at that time a new agency.  I connected with the owner of Adoption Star upon one of our first phone calls.  As an adoptive parent who was out of the Buffalo area by the agencies requirements I had to be open to a biracial or African American child, and my biggest concern at the time was whether it was fair to adopt a child of a different race as a single person and then raise that child in the Jewish faith.  The owner of the agency shared her story with me of her African American son who she was raising Jewish  and shared that while it wasn't always easy, he was thriving and she encouraged me to be open minded.  As I was surrounded by a strong community I registered with Adoption Star and soon after I received the call that Matthew had been born and needed a family. 

I was just finishing up my first Friday at summer camp when the call came in.  I remember leaving work quickly and driving to my parents house, I came in the front door and quickly started crying, "I'm too young to be a mom.  I'm not ready".  (odd sentiments from someone who had actively pursued parenthood for over 4 years at that time).  My mom and dad and I talked through the realities, the challenges and then went shopping for all that was needed should Matthew be placed with me.  On Saturday morning my dad and I then drove to Buffalo to meet with someone from Adoption Star to sign the paperwork.  As long as all went well, we were then to drive to New Jersey on Sunday to meet Matthew.

My grandmother and great Aunt were coming to town that Saturday, but my dad and I had to drive to Buffalo.  We ended up meeting them and my mom at a restaurant for dinner after our drive.  I will never forget, my Great Aunt Sarah gave me a gift of awesome baby overalls and we talked and shared my excitement over dinner.  I was amazed even then that my grandma and my aunt barely batted an eye as I shared that Matthew was African American and we did not yet know his HIV status.  To these two women who were over 80 years old they had to be just shocked that this was happening, however to me all they shared was excitement and eagerness to meet my son.

As 80 year old women they had been adults at a different time in our country.  I am certain that my grandmother was very worried about the struggles I would face having Matthew join our family as an African American child.  However, while she shared some worries, from the minute she met Matthew he was her great grandson.  She supported him and loved him from the start and welcomed his as a Bloom.  To me this was always one of the biggest gifts my grandmother gave me.  So many would have questioned my sanity.  They would have wondered aloud what in the world was going on- I was single, working in child care and only 25 years old.  She would have had every right to express her shock at my life choices, but instead Matthew was immediately her great grandson and as her granddaughter I was supported and loved!

As Matthew grew and his struggles became more apparent my grandma's love for Matthew continued to grow.  She worried as he was a 10-12 year old who was really struggling but shared in every joy as he became a young teenager.  When she learned that Matthew was mainstreaming in school she called me with such pride in her voice.  To me he had succeeded in mainstreaming for art, but I wanted more.  To her it was as if he was mainstreaming and thriving in calculus!  She was so proud at how far he had come. 

When in the past few years he got a job and started mowing lawns she continued to beam. Every single step in life that he made forward allowed her to brag on him more and more.  She was so proud of the young, caring, kind man he was becoming.  She always questioned what his future would look like and how he would grow to live independently but took such pride in every step forward he made.

Yesterday, on his 17th birthday, I stopped to think about how proud she would be of him.  He is working as a maintenance person at a Jewish summer camp and truly thriving.  He gets on the bus each day with happiness and comes home each night to tell me of the lawn he mowed, or the window he helped fix.  He is learning skills and feeling pride at all that he is accomplishing.  He is surrounded by the Jewish singing of the campers, and is working hard to play drums in the shabbat band at camp, he has found a place where he feels such pride and accomplishment.

My grandparents owned a day camp which is now owned by my Aunt and Uncle.  To have my son working at a day camp fills my heart with pride.  The maintenance staff at my grandparents camp was a very important job.  It was a role that was depended on and the caretakers were treated like family.  They worked at camp before the counselors each year to get camp ready and they ended the summer closing up the camp after the staff left.  This was a role that was seen as vital because the maintenance staff work, while behind the scenes, allowed camp to function smoothly for the staff and campers.  

In so many ways Matthew has brought our family full circle.  He combines my love of Judaism and Jewish education with our family commitment to the camp experience for children.  The Directors at his camp have allowed him to be a part of the camp community by seeing Matthew's strengths and allowing him to be an important part of the camp family by doing what he does best. 

As you turn 17 Matthew I want you to continue to remember:

1.  You bring joy to everyone you meet!  You smile, and greet people with such passion, you truly make people smile.

2.  You know who you are and what you love to do. Continue on being you!  

3.  You not only made your great grandmother proud, you make me proud to be your mom!

Happy Birthday Matthew!  I love you! Thank you for making me a mom!

Being a social person in a solo world

If you meet Matthew you immediately know that socialization is important to him.  He loves people; loves to talk to people, share stories, and simply be surrounded by people.  For Matthew this is one of his biggest challenges. He has no friends.  As a social person, he constantly feels lonely and isolated. 

He watches to see how much traffic there is out and about each night and is then heartbroken when there is a lot of traffic.  He is sure that everyone else is out with friends and he is lonely and at home.  When the roads are quiet it is slightly easier for him to be home, but even then only for short bits of time. 

He loves to drum and can typically shoot hoops for a while by himself, but recently he has become unhappy even doing these 2 things.  He simply wants to be busy with people all of the time.  Unfortunately, this is a need I cannot meet for Matthew.  I cannot make other 16 year olds reach out to him.  I cannot create a group of kids for him to be with.  I cannot make up for him missing having a peer group.

Up until recently being with family seemed to be good enough. Now however, as he sees kids his age out and driving and sees that they have a new level of independence it seems that he is living life at a new level of isolation and frustration.

I am allowing him more independence on his bike, but even then I worry that he is alone and at risk.  However, I realize that I cannot keep him safe or teach him independence skills if I never let him try being alone.  That said, I fear that the risk for him is a large risk.  He cannot explain what he is thinking often, and especially not in a high stress situation.  He often cannot share things that happen in a chronological order that make much sense.

In my dreams we have a group of 16-18 year olds who suddenly move to our neighborhood and accept Matthew for where he is on a daily basis.  In reality all I can do is try to provide him with opportunities for socialization and hope that as he gets older he finds social opportunities that meet his needs.

For now, all I know is that he is lonely, and I can't make it better, even though i want to. 

Time out rooms and restraint

If anyone had told me that I would be dealing with all 3 of my children being placed in time out rooms at school and restrained by their teachers I would have told you that you were crazy.  Who even knew that places like time out rooms existed in our public schools?  Who knew that teachers were participating in a training to learn about restraining young children?  Who could have predicted that my boys would be in situations where this was the outcome for them?

How am I to sit silently while this is happening?  Do you know that there are children involved in these situations in your public school?  Do you agree with it?  Would it be ok for your child? 

I understand that when my child is seen as a threat that the teachers need to have a response to ensure that everyone is safe.  I truly do understand that.  What I don't understand is why are there not responses that are taken sooner to ensure that things don't escalate to the point where young children with disabilities are being restrained by adults?  Where children with disabilities are being closed in official "time out room " spaces that are equipped with padded walls.

What I really don't understand is why as their mother I don't have the right to say don't do this to my child again.  Don't close them in rooms.  Don't hold them down with multiple adults.  It doesn't work.  It creates rage on their part.  It makes them fight you harder because they are scared.  It triggers a fight or flight response.  They become irrational as they fight you to get off of them.

I want this stopped.  It scares me.  I don't want to think of my child scared at school.  I don't want to think of my child needing me and me not being to help them.  I don't want my child restrained or placed in a room where they are alone and look like criminals.

If you look at the research Black children are restrained, placed in time out rooms and suspended more frequently than white students.  Based on my experience and the experience of my boys, this appears to be true.  That is hard to read.....and easy for me to write when we look at the hard facts.  Unfortunately Black children are seen as more threatening often and so the adults feel a need to ensure that they have control of the situation and as such they use the time out space or restraint to ensure that all are safe.

If you know my children, you know that my boys are all amazing.  If you know my family you know we have had and continue to have our struggles.  I am honest about that.  However, you also know that I have parented them always as a single mom.  I can tell you that I have never sent my boys to their rooms as a consequence for behavior struggles.  Why?  Because being separated from our family creates a challenge for all 3 of my boys and it doesn't change behavior for the better.

Now, we can certainly pick this apart- is it because they are adopted and fear separation?  Is it because they worry about being alone?  Is it because they have each spent time in the time out room at school and they are scarred from these experiences?  I don't know and it really doesn't matter.  All 3 of their educational teams have been told that being in a time out space scares them and does not improve their behavior.  All of my child care providers know this as well, so instead we use other options.  We often take a break together, or they take a break outside- bouncing a basketball, going for a bike ride or finding some other way to get their energy out.

Given that their educational teams are aware that being placed in a time out room or in some other space alone doesn't work for my boys, why is this the response of the educational team?  All of my boys can be talked through their challenges but it takes time.  It is not easy and when as the adult I am struggling it can be really hard.

However, the perk at school, that is different than home, is that each of my boys are in classes with multiple adults.  When I teach educators the tricks of working with children, one of the most important tricks is to "tap out when you are frustrated".  The adults working with my boys need to tap out.  They need to tap out BEFORE things get out of hand.  They need to tap out and ask for help so that things don't get too big!!  They need to tap out so that they do not feel a need to have my boys spend time in a time out room with the door closed or holding my boys in a restraint.

Once my boys are over the top angry they are at a point where they cannot hear.  I have seen them at this point and it can be scary.  However, upon looking back at the situations where I have seen my boys like this, it happens because as the parent I didn't read their responses correctly. 

For David, it is a cry for help.  We see these behaviors before he has a seizure.  These behaviors are his cry for help. It can happen  minutes before a seizure or hours before a seizure, but it has happened since he was in preschool.  He would tear about the classroom and then he would have a seizure.  If an adult was with him as we saw this behavior we could often stop the destruction once he knew he was safe.  However, if we misread his cue and used discipline rather than offering him comfort things would get worse.  He has few words and cant describe what he is feeling so it is up to the adult to offer him comfort and to stay nearby until the seizure happens.  Once it occurs he quickly picks up the room and is back to David and rests for a time.   His Doctor calls this a "davidism" as it is uncommon behavior for before a seizure, but when things happen over and over and over again at some point we have to accept that David is trying to tell us something and we have to help him rather than place him in a time out space.  He has torn the drop ceiling from the time out room this year because he was scared.  At some point we have to accept that what is happening to him at school isnt working and we have to try another method.  David needs an adult nearby, not to be alone.  Imagine knowing a seizure is coming and trying to communicate that and being placed alone in a space?  Imagine being David's mom and knowing that one day while you are at work this is happening to your child? 

 For Matthew and Jacob, it is almost the same.  While they don't have seizures their brains are unable to continue processing information and so when they are angry they need an adult to calm the situation.  They need an adult to step back, and give them space.  Matthew does well if he is allowed to sleep.  Jacob does best if he is allowed time to snuggle or to do some sort of physical exercise.  Neither do well when they are placed in a time out space.  Both truly explode when they are held down.

Matthew thankfully has grown out of this stage and has become truly an incredible young man.  Given the growth in Matthew I know that Jacob will follow and he will thrive, but how many times will school traumatize him before he grows?  What will be the long term implications of him being held down at school?  Placed in a time out room?

What would it feel like to you as a child to be held down by adults?  To be placed in a time out room?  What would it feel like to you as the mom?

We have had experiences in  5 schools with time out rooms.  Experiences in 3 schools with one of my boys being restrained.  This is happening at your child's school.  It is happening to their friend, to their acquaintance, to their peer. 

According to State Education use of restraint and the time out space is to be the "last resort".  I can tell you that our schools are getting to the usage of "last resort" more frequently than you know.  Considerably more frequently for non-caucasian students.  I can tell you that I am scared. 

Sending your child to school should not come with fear, but today it does. 

This was a hard blog to write, but my guess is that you didn't know how frequently restraint and time out spaces are being used in your school.  And the only way to advocate for change is to share our story.  Please do not judge my boys.  They are truly no different than your children.  Sure, they get mad.  Don't your kids?  For the most part they are awesome, sweet, very kind hearted boys.  They get angry, and need help, but as an educator, I know all kids get mad sometimes. It is how we as the adults help when kids are mad, and to me this is what needs to change.  We need to support all children so that they learn to manage their mad without fear of being placed in a time out space or being restrained.