what the future holds

I have had a day that most people live in a week or a month......

I feel as though right now every time my phone rings I cringe....I dont want anymore bad news.  I don't want to know what is going on.  I want a few hours or days of blissful ignorance.

I got a phone call from Matthew's school today that he was out of control.  I don't know what is happening.  Sure, he used to have a lot of times at home when he was out of control.  When his rage took over.  When he was aggressive, but just a few short years ago, I was fighting for the people outside our family to see this side of Matthew.  Now it is like the demon has come out in public and it is out all the time.

He raged for almost 45 minutes at school today.  Why did he rage you ask?  Because he lost computer time.  Why did he lose computer time? Because he yelled at his teacher.

He had many other options at free time, he just couldn't use the computer.  He could read, play games, color, play with playdough....he had a million options, but when you yell at your teacher, there are consequences.  It is as if he cannot understand that life has consequences. When you treat people poorly there are consequences.

He raged until the crisis team at school came and helped him get to the quiet room.  He has not been at this school yet a full month and has had more days with struggle, than without.  What does this mean?  How do you sit idly by as your child goes deeper and deeper down the hole of mental illness?

I don't even know what to do anymore. I am scared to have him come home.  I am scared to have him stay at Healy House.  I am scared all of the time.  It is not living to be in an institution like Healy House.  That is not real life.  In real life there are errands to be run, people to interact with, expectations to meet. At Healy House, there is a gym to go to, games to play and then movies to watch.  Life is not made up of movies then free time then movies.  That is not a life.

I have one psychiatrist now who says the zoloft and other anti depressants are causing the mania and depressive episodes that Matthew shows with rage.  Another is saying he needs the zoloft to deal with his anxiety.  One of them is saying raise his seraquel.  The other is saying get him off of the seraquel.

I am saying I am his mom.  I can decide if he eats veggies or cookies.  I can decide if he can ride his bike or ride his skateboard.  I cannot decide if he should take 1 psychiatric medication over another.  I don't have training.  My crystal ball is broken.

I can tell you I want my son back....I want my son from October back!  I want this version to go away and never come back again.  This version scares me.  What if the other Matthew never comes back?  What if I am left with the one who rages, and gets giddy, and rages, and is out of control?  What if the best I can hope for is that he will be struggling in a classroom with only 3 other kids and 4 adults?  I don't know if I can live like that?  It isn't what I hoped or planned for.  It isn't what my boy had been supposed to live like.  He was going to be the drummer in the school band.  Didn't God see the memo?  He was supposed to be the drummer!

He was supposed to have friends. All people have friends!  He needs friends Dammit!  He needs friends!  I need him to have friends.  I need him to come back to me!  Please!  End this cycle of mental illness.

I feel like I am going crazy!  But I can't go crazy. I have to go to work each day.  So I have to shove all of this emotion deep down and keep smiling.  I am running out of smiles.

On top of all of this, David came home today and was drooling and couldn't move off the couch.  It could be strep throat.  It could be the flu, but for David it could also be seizures.  Tomorrow, he will either wake up healthy or sick and I will know, but for tonight I am on seizure watch.  I am too tired for seizure watch.  I am too tired for all of this right now.

I went to karate because I had to escape, so I hired a babysitter to be with the little boys and Matthew called 3 times while I was at karate.  I needed to talk to him, but I needed my time too.  I can't be everything to all 3 boys right now.  But I am their one and only and so I talked to him.  But he isn't completely present, so he wanted to talk but had nothing to say and all I could think was if I don't punch and kick at karate I may explode.

If these stupid tears would fall from my eyes there would be room for me to pull myself together and get back in the game, but I am afraid if I let the tears fall they won't stop.  I keep it all together from 7 AM until 9 PM each day, and then I am washed over with sadness as our reality hits me in the face.

I know it could be worse.  I know that....please trust that I know that.  But unless you have seen your child taken over by mental illness, you cannot appreciate what this is like.  With any other illness, I could hold him and hug him and kiss away his booboos.  With this, he is safest not at home, so I miss him but know he can't be here.  For a mom, this is the ultimate struggle to try to rationalize.  My boy should be home, but I can't keep him safe.