I posted on facebook earlier today how awesome it is to have respite workers for my boys. Today was our first day with a male respite worker for Matthew, so for right now we have a respite worker for Matthew on Saturday afternoon, a respite worker for David for a little while in the morning on Saturday and a respite worker for Matthew in the afternoon on Sunday.
Trust me, I completely and totally appreciate how amazing this is! We have waited years since the boys were approved for respite for them to both have a worker. Even just for a brief time this weekend, when I had time with David alone, I understood that this much time with respite will allow me some 1:1 time or 1:2 time with the boys, and that is a HUGE gift.
That said, a respite worker means opening your house to often a young person. Frequently an idealistic young person who wants to help a person with special needs. Of course, it is a blessing to have this person because it gives me some time and the child some time away. However, it often leads to me feeling judged and taking life a little too personally. I know that is likely not the intention- there is a huge part of me who knows that- however, it still often feels like I am being judged.
When David's respite worker got home with him today she used the rest room. We had a flood in the bathroom last night and I used all of the towels to soak up the crazy amount of water that was all over the floor- sure, many people would clean the floor, wash the towels, hang new towels. I cleaned the floor, washed the towels and tucked the boys in. I had HUGE intention of hanging new towels, I just forgot. I then did not use the downstairs bathroom today. So, when said respite worker was in the bathroom, it occurred to me that she might not have a towel so I asked Matthew to go get one. Of course, he was not immediately compliant. So I asked him again. At this point she was out of the bathroom and her hands appeared dry, so I assumed all was good and I just worked to get Matthew to follow through. After I asked him again, she piped in that he needed to get the towel because we HAD to have a towel down there.
Ok, what happens if there is no towel? You get wet hands. You dry them on a paper towel. Crisis averted. Now all that has gone through my head is my level of crazy incompetence. I am sorry I didn't rehang the towel. I am sorry I didn't run my ass upstairs to get you a towel, I thought my 12 year old could do it for us both. But did you HAVE to imply that the lack of a towel was some huge housekeeping failure on my part?
I am not one to toot my own horn, if anything I always feel like I am not doing it well enough. That said, I am pretty proud of how much I accomplish raising all 3 of my boys alone. There are babysitters who help, friends who help, and I have my parents who help, but for most of the time it is me and the boys 24/7. If I am not caring for the boys, I am paying someone to care for them in my absence. As a single mom, working in the child care industry, you can imagine for the most part I am caring for them!
I had a garage sale this weekend with all 3 in tow. I went to the grocery store with all 3 in tow. I went to the car dealership with 2 of them. Matthew, David and I shopped at Target. I clean the house, make dinner, do the bedtime routine, all on my own each day.
At times this means I yell because I am tired. At times this means I don't have the patience I wish I had. But for the most part I think I am doing it all ok, or at least as well as most would be able to accomplish. Our good times are great, and our challenging times are challenging, but I hope at the end of it all I can look back and say I was a good mom, and the boys will tell people that their mom was a good mom.
I will work hard to always rehang the towel. I will do my best to say everything with a smile and a song in my voice. However, I also am not Mary Poppins, and I don't have a Mary Poppins who lives in my home!
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