What do you see for each boys future?

What do you see for each boys future?

That is the question I was asked ....I realized that I have accepted reality for Matthew.  He will have a part time job at least.  He will live with peers and someone to oversee his finances, decision making and general whereabouts.  He will have some independence coupled with supervision and oversight to keep him safe.


For David I have also accepted his reality.  He will likely need a mentor or coach with him if he is to work independently even part time, so likely he will participate in a day program "without walls" that lets him be part of the community.  He will likely also live with peerBut will require a live in support person or he will live with me.  David is more at peace than Matthew is at being home, and I think he might enjoy living here long term.  I would certainly like that.

Unfortunately the question was asked about Jacob and I haven't accepted his reality yet.  Truly, I feel like my parenting dreams died with Jacob.  Up until 2nd grade we lived on the edge of typical.  There were friends, play dates, activities, birthday parties.  He was on the football team and fit in.  He was happy and while I had ruled out him. Beinga Rhodes scholar, I still saw college a job, wife and kids. I saw me as a grandma and him being able to keep a protective eye on his brothers as needed.

I don't know what happened.  I may never know what happened but Jacob stagnated.  His peers moved forwards and he froze in time and now I fear he is even losing ground.  There are so many basic concepts Jacob doesn't know; the order of the days of the week, early vs late, placement of his elbow vs his knee.....the list goes on and on.

Sadly, Jacob knows that he is different and he is mad about it.  He hates being different.  He hates that he doesn't know some things.  He hates going to a BOCES class and leaving his friends from the school he spent k-4th grade at.

Worse, I'm mad.  I'm lost.  I'm hurting.  And there is no one to talk to.  No one truly understands this anger and pain I feel.  Lightening feels like it struck 3 times.

The lightening was great,  I got the gift of the boys.  But the lightening brought darkness with their challenges.

They are kind hearted, gentle boys who can be equally filled with anger and rage.

I fear that I am the cause of their struggles.  I fear that my lack of patience did this.  That I created their struggles by not singing enough, reading enough, by being too focused on work.

What if I only had adopted Matthew and could have given him all of my energy?
What if I took maternity leave with each of them and spent 3 months doing nothing but bonding?
What signs did I miss with Jacob?  How does a preschool director not know that her son doesn't know where his elbow is!  That's like preschool 101!  What's wrong with me?

This whole year I am sending Jacob to school with the hope that if he us "good enough" and I advocate enough that he can come back to our district programmin, this  nightmare will end and my dreams for him can continue.  Instead, I'm realizing that this nightmare is likely to continue.  As his peers are moving forward he is standing still.  We are finding tools and techniques to guide him and he now can do basic addition, but still struggles with subtraction.  His peers are on long division!  We are past the point of catching up.  I'm not sure which if us us more upset.

As I get down on life I feel our ship sinking.  Because I am a single mom there are no life supports.  When the ship is sinking and I'm depressed over all that is on my plate there is no safety net,  in public I out on my smile and fake my way through, but the boys know the real me.  The me who is irrationally angry over yogurt all over the couch, 4 brownies a boy ate for breakfast and the same questions over and over and over again until my head may just explode!