Jacob is growing up before my eyes! I will always believe that Jacob is an old soul in a youthful body. He can break dance and jive like no other, but his knowledge and understanding of people is deeper than his 6 years.
Over the past few days of vacation there have been numerous times where Jacob has shown his understanding and love for his brothers. I knew over a year ago, when Jacob asked his speech therapist why David didn't talk much, that Jacob was beginning to understand that there was something different about his brothers. What I didnt expect was that he would embrace their differences and so effortlessly account for them in his day to day life.
Just a few of the recent times where Jacob has been so much wiser than his 6 years:
1. Tonight we were writing thank you notes and the boys were drawing pictures on the front of the notes. David started immediately "scribbling" and seemed frustrated. Jacob quickly asked David what he wanted to draw and with each question David would shake his head. He didn't want to draw a dog, or a car, or a house. Finally, Jacob said, I'll dot you a rainbow and then you can trace it.
Without me telling him or David saying anything, Jacob realized that David was not able to "draw" like he was and while most of the time it would not bother David, today it was upsetting him. By Jacob outlining a rainbow for David, David could trace it and feel success and the love of his brother.
As he was tracing the rainbow, David said he needed red. Jacob scurried off to find a red and asked if David wanted a red crayon or a red marker. David asked for a marker but when Jacob couldn't find one he brought up a red crayon. Jacob told David to promise not to break the crayon, and handed it to David. David promptly took the crayon and broke off the tip. Jacob looked at David's face, and rather than being angry he just said, " well I guess I have 2 pieces now"
He would have been within his rights to be angry, it would have been understandable, but Jacob understands David gets frustrated, he accepts David for who he is and to him it seemed to be more important that we were coloring as a family.
2. Matthew is up and down like a yo yo right now. His mood is changing very quickly. Jacob, like all little brothers, loves his big brother with all of his heart, but in an instant he can become overwhelmed by Matthew. He seems to be able to read when matthew is calm, and Jacob takes those moments to play with Matthew, to rough house and to giggle and laugh. They are building an important bond. Whenever Matthew is able, Jacob is the first one in the house to get together with him and goof around, and when Matthew is not able to play, Jacob is ok waiting. He accepts his big brother for exactly who he is, and appreciates and giggles and laughs when they are playing together.
3. For Hanukah I gave each of the boys a certificate for a night out with me. I had a babysitter the other day and an hour before my friends were ready to go out so I explained to Jacob and David that I could take both of them out or I could take one of them now and one of them later. Jacob quickly said, "let's go together" while David said, " I want to go alone". As I explained to them that both would get a turn, Jacob quickly suggested that I should go out and that David and he would go out another night.
It was obvious that Jacob was ok staying home with David and the babysitter, and that he was ok not going on a date that night, but that he was not ok staying home without David, so he quickly reminded David that the babysitter had great movies and they dashed off together to pick a movie! This meant I got an hour to myself, to bask in the love that my 6 year old shows to all of us.
Some may say that Jacob is burdened with eventually caring for his two older siblings on some level. I choose to say that Jacob is going to become an amazing person as he continues to grow up in our house. He has learned compassion, understanding and patience at a very young age because he has had to. He has seen his brother struggle with mental health issues and loves him no matter what- this is more than can be said for many in our society.
He is a 6 year old, but so often he thinks about things in a way that is more generous than many much older. I am so proud to be his mommy and to see him growing into such an amazing boy!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I have to write tonight to hopefully find calmness
As I write my blog, I try to remember that things on the internet are visible to everyone, everywhere. Since I want to be careful and make sure things are read with the correct intent, I don't like to share challenges with my boys schools until there is a resolution.
This year has been ripe with frustrations since October with Matthew's new school program. It just isn't a match. I could list all of the reasons why it just isn't working, but truly it all comes down to a few main items:
1. I don't believe he is being educated at a level that makes sense for him. I think this causes him unnecessary stress, as a lot of the work is at a level that is beyond his reach.
2. The communication with his team does not work- we don't speak the same language and are not on the same page. I don't know how to fix this, and at this point I am too tired to continue to try.
On Friday, the day of the shootings in Newton, CT, I was in a meeting with the head of special education discussing what we were going to do for matthew. I want him moved to another placement, and sadly there is no other placement for him. That leaves us in quite a quandry, as my only option is to leave him where he is.
I offered that I would leave him where he is, and continue to work towards a peaceful resolution with his current team if we could do the following:
1. Ensure that no words of violence are used as vocabulary words.
2. lower his level of work to the level his previous teachers felt was appropriate and see if that decreases his anxiety
3. Continue to work towards finding a new placement.
My biggest fear in life is that Matthew will one day hurt someone. I fear this more than anything else because if Matthew hurts someone else, it will be the biggest tragedy of his life in addition to the life of others. Matthew is not a violent person at all. I will say that again, Matthew does not have a violent bone in his body. However, when Matthew is enraged, he is very aggressive. Unfortunately, one never knows when he is going to explode and what sets him off one day would not upset him at all the next.
I have begged, asked and pleaded that words of violence and aggression not be used as vocabulary words for Matthew:
Rifle, huntsmen and prison are a few of the recent vocabulary words that he has been "studying" even after my repeated requests.
Why he needs to know what any of these words mean I don't understand. I need to limit his exposure to violence because he already has a tendency towards aggression. I don't need him reading passages about killing animals. I don't need him reading passages about hunting with rifles. I need him to read about peaceful topics. Or even to read about situations of conflict and resolution so he has a chance to learn how to problem solve.
To be at a meeting to determine what can be done for my son educationally and to learn that nothing can be done was heart wrenching. To leave that meeting and find out that a young man had shot 26 people truly hurt me to the core. I feel like I have one chance in the world to make Matthew a productive member of society.
He came to me with a huge stack of things working against him- his IQ is very low, he had been exposed to alcohol prenatally, and the social history of his birth father is questionable. Given all that is working against him, I have worked diligently to create success for Matthew.
There have been many incidents that have taken place inside the walls of my house that no one will ever know about. You likely would find them hard to believe if you only know Matthew on the surface. David and Jacob both know where to go when Matthew is angry and how to stay calm. Jacob especially is a genius at helping deescalate the situation when Matthew is angry. Until you have lived with a child with mental illness you will never, ever know what that is like.
Each and every time I have gotten to the point that i have decided Matthew needed help, I have called the local pychiatric hospital and been told there were no beds. When I found an emergency respite program and have called them, I have been told there is no bed. We have waited a month for both of these programs to have beds open up. A month in and out of crisis. A month doing the best we can. A month, 30 days, 30 nights, while he cycles! And many of the times we have gotten to the point where a bed has become available and we have come through the crisis and are no longer in need of the bed. I am exhausted, I need a break, but I will not use a crisis respite bed or a psychiatric hospital bed for me to rejuvenate. That is not the purpose of those beds. Additionally, Matthew needs to know that he belongs in our house. He is a member of our family, and the only time he cannot be at home is when he is unsafe, so I will not take advantage of a bed that becomes available after 30 days if we are no longer in crisis.
Think of this in terms of any other illness or problem-
your heater breaks and no one can fix it for 30 days, it is mid winter.....do you wait and freeze?
your appendix is bursting- no surgeon can fix it for 30 days.....do you wait?
you are being assaulted by a stranger, the police can't come for 30 days....do you wait?
Of course you don't wait, you would be ridiculous for waiting! You would never even consider waiting. But when my child is an emotional wreck. When we can't get in to see his psychiatrist, and my other boys are feeling unsafe, we wait. And we wait. And we wait. And I do my best, and I lean on my community. And I take full advantage of the 3 hours of respite I get each week and hold David and Jacob a little closer and have some extra fun and rebuild our relationship for those 3 hours.
Tonight at the grocery store Mathew exploded. The explosion was about food, of course, and the details are unimportant. He laid on the floor of the grocery store kicking and screaming. He begged another woman to take him home. He laid back down and kicked and threatened to knock items off of the shelf. I tried talking calmly. I tried talking firmly. I tried getting him to leave, I tried getting him engaged in shopping. He laid on the ground screaming.
I finally walked with David and Jacob and assumed Matthew would follow. He followed at a distance and I assumed he would settle down. He for some reason got upset again and stopped at the deli counter. This is where I was stopped by 3 staff members of the store to see if everything was ok. They were wonderful for asking. But there was no calming Matthew down. He took off again and I said I was grabbing one more item and then leaving. I knew that leaving in that moment wouldn't have worked, he wouldn't have left with me. I hoped that just getting the last item, and giving him a few minutes would allow Matthew the chance to settle. A staff member did a wonderful job talking to matthew and trying to calm him down. Misty, at Hannaford, I owe you one!
After I paid Matthew got in the car and I was seeing stars. His entire behavior had embarrassed me. There was no real reason for it. We had been having a good day. I don't know what switched for him. I told him when we got home he would go to his room and think and that was again the beginning of the end. He went to his room calmly for a while, and then erupted. He giggled the giggle of someone in a manic phase, he cried, he screamed and he giggled the giggle again.
I went up to his room to talk to him and that is when I found the remains of another bag of chocolate and millions of gold coin wrappers. The chocolate is for presents that I am giving to the boys teachers, no matter where I hide it he finds it. It is more important to him than breathing. The gold coin wrappers I am assuming he has been taking from Sunday school throughout the celebration of Chanukah. These are gelt wrappers. This is the 4th time we have cleaned up his room from wrappers and wrappers and wrappers. Each time I get sick. How can I not protect him from himself? How can he be so desperate for candy that he will risk so much? He has vomited twice from eating so much candy, and yet he keeps eating it. I don't understand, I can't understand.
When you are unable to make good decisions because your IQ is low and you do not see the world through the same lense as the average person, you make bad choices. Matthew's life is full of bad choices. The problem is that to teach him good choices requires him to have a person to act as a brain that walks around outside his body. This is a full time job. I already have a full time job!
I feel the need to speak loudly on behalf of those with mental illness. I feel the need to beg the district one more time to understand that when we teach Matthew violent words for vocabulary words we are putting future contacts of his at risk.
There are so many opinions being thrown around on facebook these days about what happened to those poor, innocent children in Newton. Of course none of them deserved to die. None of the children of Sandy Hook Elementary deserved to see the ugly reality that they were face to face with on Friday morning. However, there are other people who need to be remembered. Adam Lanza had a mother, a father and a brother. Only they know what life was like with Adam as a child. Only they will know the private torture of knowing that their brother and son created this tragedy.
The autism community is speaking out with a vengeance that it is unfair to say that Adam had an autism spectrum disorder because this speaks poorly about all of those with autism. I find that horrendous. No one should ever be in such a horrible place that they feel the only way out is to kill children. Whether Adam had autism or not does not give us the reason as to why he did what he did. If Adam did have autism, that is just a piece of who he was. Additionally, if he had a mental illness, that is just a piece of who he was.
Matthew is not defined by his mental illness. Matthew is a loving, funny, larger than life boy who loves simple things and cheers for everything in life! He is passionate and funny. However, he is tortured by mental illness, sometimes more tortured than others. If our education system does not take this into consideration, we are doing Matthew a disservice. If our political system does not find some way to manage the guns available to those who may use them unsafely, we are all at risk.
First and foremost though we need to stop spewing hatred and remember that every person has a mother, a father, a sibling and someone that cares about them. Even Adam Lanza was someone's grandson, nephew, and friend.
Mental health is as important if not more important that physical health. We have got to provide support that is immediately available so that I can be sure that Matthew grows up safe so that everyone around him is also guaranteed their safety.
This year has been ripe with frustrations since October with Matthew's new school program. It just isn't a match. I could list all of the reasons why it just isn't working, but truly it all comes down to a few main items:
1. I don't believe he is being educated at a level that makes sense for him. I think this causes him unnecessary stress, as a lot of the work is at a level that is beyond his reach.
2. The communication with his team does not work- we don't speak the same language and are not on the same page. I don't know how to fix this, and at this point I am too tired to continue to try.
On Friday, the day of the shootings in Newton, CT, I was in a meeting with the head of special education discussing what we were going to do for matthew. I want him moved to another placement, and sadly there is no other placement for him. That leaves us in quite a quandry, as my only option is to leave him where he is.
I offered that I would leave him where he is, and continue to work towards a peaceful resolution with his current team if we could do the following:
1. Ensure that no words of violence are used as vocabulary words.
2. lower his level of work to the level his previous teachers felt was appropriate and see if that decreases his anxiety
3. Continue to work towards finding a new placement.
My biggest fear in life is that Matthew will one day hurt someone. I fear this more than anything else because if Matthew hurts someone else, it will be the biggest tragedy of his life in addition to the life of others. Matthew is not a violent person at all. I will say that again, Matthew does not have a violent bone in his body. However, when Matthew is enraged, he is very aggressive. Unfortunately, one never knows when he is going to explode and what sets him off one day would not upset him at all the next.
I have begged, asked and pleaded that words of violence and aggression not be used as vocabulary words for Matthew:
Rifle, huntsmen and prison are a few of the recent vocabulary words that he has been "studying" even after my repeated requests.
Why he needs to know what any of these words mean I don't understand. I need to limit his exposure to violence because he already has a tendency towards aggression. I don't need him reading passages about killing animals. I don't need him reading passages about hunting with rifles. I need him to read about peaceful topics. Or even to read about situations of conflict and resolution so he has a chance to learn how to problem solve.
To be at a meeting to determine what can be done for my son educationally and to learn that nothing can be done was heart wrenching. To leave that meeting and find out that a young man had shot 26 people truly hurt me to the core. I feel like I have one chance in the world to make Matthew a productive member of society.
He came to me with a huge stack of things working against him- his IQ is very low, he had been exposed to alcohol prenatally, and the social history of his birth father is questionable. Given all that is working against him, I have worked diligently to create success for Matthew.
There have been many incidents that have taken place inside the walls of my house that no one will ever know about. You likely would find them hard to believe if you only know Matthew on the surface. David and Jacob both know where to go when Matthew is angry and how to stay calm. Jacob especially is a genius at helping deescalate the situation when Matthew is angry. Until you have lived with a child with mental illness you will never, ever know what that is like.
Each and every time I have gotten to the point that i have decided Matthew needed help, I have called the local pychiatric hospital and been told there were no beds. When I found an emergency respite program and have called them, I have been told there is no bed. We have waited a month for both of these programs to have beds open up. A month in and out of crisis. A month doing the best we can. A month, 30 days, 30 nights, while he cycles! And many of the times we have gotten to the point where a bed has become available and we have come through the crisis and are no longer in need of the bed. I am exhausted, I need a break, but I will not use a crisis respite bed or a psychiatric hospital bed for me to rejuvenate. That is not the purpose of those beds. Additionally, Matthew needs to know that he belongs in our house. He is a member of our family, and the only time he cannot be at home is when he is unsafe, so I will not take advantage of a bed that becomes available after 30 days if we are no longer in crisis.
Think of this in terms of any other illness or problem-
your heater breaks and no one can fix it for 30 days, it is mid winter.....do you wait and freeze?
your appendix is bursting- no surgeon can fix it for 30 days.....do you wait?
you are being assaulted by a stranger, the police can't come for 30 days....do you wait?
Of course you don't wait, you would be ridiculous for waiting! You would never even consider waiting. But when my child is an emotional wreck. When we can't get in to see his psychiatrist, and my other boys are feeling unsafe, we wait. And we wait. And we wait. And I do my best, and I lean on my community. And I take full advantage of the 3 hours of respite I get each week and hold David and Jacob a little closer and have some extra fun and rebuild our relationship for those 3 hours.
Tonight at the grocery store Mathew exploded. The explosion was about food, of course, and the details are unimportant. He laid on the floor of the grocery store kicking and screaming. He begged another woman to take him home. He laid back down and kicked and threatened to knock items off of the shelf. I tried talking calmly. I tried talking firmly. I tried getting him to leave, I tried getting him engaged in shopping. He laid on the ground screaming.
I finally walked with David and Jacob and assumed Matthew would follow. He followed at a distance and I assumed he would settle down. He for some reason got upset again and stopped at the deli counter. This is where I was stopped by 3 staff members of the store to see if everything was ok. They were wonderful for asking. But there was no calming Matthew down. He took off again and I said I was grabbing one more item and then leaving. I knew that leaving in that moment wouldn't have worked, he wouldn't have left with me. I hoped that just getting the last item, and giving him a few minutes would allow Matthew the chance to settle. A staff member did a wonderful job talking to matthew and trying to calm him down. Misty, at Hannaford, I owe you one!
After I paid Matthew got in the car and I was seeing stars. His entire behavior had embarrassed me. There was no real reason for it. We had been having a good day. I don't know what switched for him. I told him when we got home he would go to his room and think and that was again the beginning of the end. He went to his room calmly for a while, and then erupted. He giggled the giggle of someone in a manic phase, he cried, he screamed and he giggled the giggle again.
I went up to his room to talk to him and that is when I found the remains of another bag of chocolate and millions of gold coin wrappers. The chocolate is for presents that I am giving to the boys teachers, no matter where I hide it he finds it. It is more important to him than breathing. The gold coin wrappers I am assuming he has been taking from Sunday school throughout the celebration of Chanukah. These are gelt wrappers. This is the 4th time we have cleaned up his room from wrappers and wrappers and wrappers. Each time I get sick. How can I not protect him from himself? How can he be so desperate for candy that he will risk so much? He has vomited twice from eating so much candy, and yet he keeps eating it. I don't understand, I can't understand.
When you are unable to make good decisions because your IQ is low and you do not see the world through the same lense as the average person, you make bad choices. Matthew's life is full of bad choices. The problem is that to teach him good choices requires him to have a person to act as a brain that walks around outside his body. This is a full time job. I already have a full time job!
I feel the need to speak loudly on behalf of those with mental illness. I feel the need to beg the district one more time to understand that when we teach Matthew violent words for vocabulary words we are putting future contacts of his at risk.
There are so many opinions being thrown around on facebook these days about what happened to those poor, innocent children in Newton. Of course none of them deserved to die. None of the children of Sandy Hook Elementary deserved to see the ugly reality that they were face to face with on Friday morning. However, there are other people who need to be remembered. Adam Lanza had a mother, a father and a brother. Only they know what life was like with Adam as a child. Only they will know the private torture of knowing that their brother and son created this tragedy.
The autism community is speaking out with a vengeance that it is unfair to say that Adam had an autism spectrum disorder because this speaks poorly about all of those with autism. I find that horrendous. No one should ever be in such a horrible place that they feel the only way out is to kill children. Whether Adam had autism or not does not give us the reason as to why he did what he did. If Adam did have autism, that is just a piece of who he was. Additionally, if he had a mental illness, that is just a piece of who he was.
Matthew is not defined by his mental illness. Matthew is a loving, funny, larger than life boy who loves simple things and cheers for everything in life! He is passionate and funny. However, he is tortured by mental illness, sometimes more tortured than others. If our education system does not take this into consideration, we are doing Matthew a disservice. If our political system does not find some way to manage the guns available to those who may use them unsafely, we are all at risk.
First and foremost though we need to stop spewing hatred and remember that every person has a mother, a father, a sibling and someone that cares about them. Even Adam Lanza was someone's grandson, nephew, and friend.
Mental health is as important if not more important that physical health. We have got to provide support that is immediately available so that I can be sure that Matthew grows up safe so that everyone around him is also guaranteed their safety.
Monday, November 19, 2012
The candy store
I consistently think about my parenting and how it will affect Matthew. I know that many think I am pretty hard on him. That maybe I don't allow him enough freedom, that maybe I take things with Matthew too seriously. I am a strong believer that a parent has to parent each child as an individual. In my house, this means each child is parented fairly, but also very differently.
A lot of this stems from how I think the boys are perceived by the world at large. Matthew comes across as much more capable than he actually his. His IQ puts him at a level of mild mental retardation. This is a very accurate description of his ability to cope with life, to problem solve and to participate in self care activities. However, it is not at all how most would describe Matthew. He is very charismatic, and can carry on conversations, and unless you have a lot of conversations with Matthew, he has enough scripts that it takes a little while for someone to learn that he cycles though a variety of scripts with each person.
This weekend Matthew and his respite worker were faced with a reality that reminded me that it is important to be firm and to continue parenting Matthew with little wiggle room. Matthew, as we all know, has a food obsession. He thinks about it, talks about it, lives for food!
This weekend Matthew and his respite worker were walking through the mall and they went to check out the candy store. While they were in the store Matthew became very focused on the skittles container. This is one of those candy stores where all of the candy is in a large bin and you use a spoon to scoop out the amount of candy you want and put it into a bag.
Matthew's respite worker was looking around the store while Matthew looked around and Matthew gave the counter man an odd look and a quirky smile and apparently made the man nervous. Matthew's hands were on the spoon and it appeared that Matthew was putting candy into the spoon and was trying to steal candy. The shop owner came over to Matthew and the respite worker and told Matthew that he needed to wait in the store, the owner then went to the back, looked at the video and saw that Matthew had not stolen anything and he came back out front and told them they were free to leave the store.
When Matthew and his respite worker came home, Matthew quickly told her to tell me what had happened, which is wonderful. However, as she told me what had happened, it became very apparent that Matthew was not understanding the gravity of this situation. He was focused on the fact that I might not make him dinner because we were talking about what had happened. He was focused on the fact that I might not make him what he wanted for dinner. No matter how much I tried to refocus him and get him to understand that dinner is not a part of this equation, he could not grasp the gravity of what had happened.
Even as he sat eating the quesidilla he wanted for dinner and I tried to again talk to him about what had happened that the man thought he had stolen candy, I could not get Matthew to understand that stealing is a big deal. That even if it is just a skittle, it is a really big deal.
Unfortunately for Matthew he has a few things that will always work against him in life:
1. He is large for his age- while he is only 11, he looks more like 13 or 14, so people relate to him as if he is older and expect more from him.
2. He is african american, and sadly, in the US, this is still often a reason for people to respond differently.
3. He communicates well above his level of understanding. He can look you in the face and talk and talk and you think he is understanding and he truly is just repeating what you have said without internalizing the information or understanding it for himself.
My first thought was why would the respite worker bring Matthew to a candy store. She knows of his food obsession, it seems like a silly place to bring him.
My second thought was what happens if an 11 year old is accused of stealing? What is the next step? How do you convince people that he is unaware of what he is doing, while teaching him how serious this is?
Thankfully, I also had another thought. If I don't teach him the risks of this behavior, he will never learn. Of course he has to go in and out of candy stores. He has to do this as a young adult so that when he has the freedom as an adult, I have impressed upon him that he cannot steal. That taking even one piece of candy is stealing. That touching the candy is wrong. That looking at the candy too long makes shop owners nervous.
As you are with us and you wonder why in the world I am so strict with Matthew, please realize that I am parenting Matthew so that he is ready to be an adult, to be able to be in the world and not eat himself to death. So that he doesn't go table to table in a restaurant inappropriately interacting. So that he understands how you relate with others at a dinner party, at a buffet, at a restaurant etc...... I am parenting the adult that Matthew will become so that he is ready for life in the real world. I believe he will always need help, but I also believe he will not live with a caretaker with him 24/7, for this reason, he has to know how to live in the world, and I was given 18 years to teach him the skills he will need to do this. I have 7 short years left, and given that times is short, I ask for your help in teaching him the rules of society so that Matthew is ready to take on the world!
A lot of this stems from how I think the boys are perceived by the world at large. Matthew comes across as much more capable than he actually his. His IQ puts him at a level of mild mental retardation. This is a very accurate description of his ability to cope with life, to problem solve and to participate in self care activities. However, it is not at all how most would describe Matthew. He is very charismatic, and can carry on conversations, and unless you have a lot of conversations with Matthew, he has enough scripts that it takes a little while for someone to learn that he cycles though a variety of scripts with each person.
This weekend Matthew and his respite worker were faced with a reality that reminded me that it is important to be firm and to continue parenting Matthew with little wiggle room. Matthew, as we all know, has a food obsession. He thinks about it, talks about it, lives for food!
This weekend Matthew and his respite worker were walking through the mall and they went to check out the candy store. While they were in the store Matthew became very focused on the skittles container. This is one of those candy stores where all of the candy is in a large bin and you use a spoon to scoop out the amount of candy you want and put it into a bag.
Matthew's respite worker was looking around the store while Matthew looked around and Matthew gave the counter man an odd look and a quirky smile and apparently made the man nervous. Matthew's hands were on the spoon and it appeared that Matthew was putting candy into the spoon and was trying to steal candy. The shop owner came over to Matthew and the respite worker and told Matthew that he needed to wait in the store, the owner then went to the back, looked at the video and saw that Matthew had not stolen anything and he came back out front and told them they were free to leave the store.
When Matthew and his respite worker came home, Matthew quickly told her to tell me what had happened, which is wonderful. However, as she told me what had happened, it became very apparent that Matthew was not understanding the gravity of this situation. He was focused on the fact that I might not make him dinner because we were talking about what had happened. He was focused on the fact that I might not make him what he wanted for dinner. No matter how much I tried to refocus him and get him to understand that dinner is not a part of this equation, he could not grasp the gravity of what had happened.
Even as he sat eating the quesidilla he wanted for dinner and I tried to again talk to him about what had happened that the man thought he had stolen candy, I could not get Matthew to understand that stealing is a big deal. That even if it is just a skittle, it is a really big deal.
Unfortunately for Matthew he has a few things that will always work against him in life:
1. He is large for his age- while he is only 11, he looks more like 13 or 14, so people relate to him as if he is older and expect more from him.
2. He is african american, and sadly, in the US, this is still often a reason for people to respond differently.
3. He communicates well above his level of understanding. He can look you in the face and talk and talk and you think he is understanding and he truly is just repeating what you have said without internalizing the information or understanding it for himself.
My first thought was why would the respite worker bring Matthew to a candy store. She knows of his food obsession, it seems like a silly place to bring him.
My second thought was what happens if an 11 year old is accused of stealing? What is the next step? How do you convince people that he is unaware of what he is doing, while teaching him how serious this is?
Thankfully, I also had another thought. If I don't teach him the risks of this behavior, he will never learn. Of course he has to go in and out of candy stores. He has to do this as a young adult so that when he has the freedom as an adult, I have impressed upon him that he cannot steal. That taking even one piece of candy is stealing. That touching the candy is wrong. That looking at the candy too long makes shop owners nervous.
As you are with us and you wonder why in the world I am so strict with Matthew, please realize that I am parenting Matthew so that he is ready to be an adult, to be able to be in the world and not eat himself to death. So that he doesn't go table to table in a restaurant inappropriately interacting. So that he understands how you relate with others at a dinner party, at a buffet, at a restaurant etc...... I am parenting the adult that Matthew will become so that he is ready for life in the real world. I believe he will always need help, but I also believe he will not live with a caretaker with him 24/7, for this reason, he has to know how to live in the world, and I was given 18 years to teach him the skills he will need to do this. I have 7 short years left, and given that times is short, I ask for your help in teaching him the rules of society so that Matthew is ready to take on the world!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
update writing what I cannot speak
I am not writing this because I want your sympathy or because I need you to worry about us, but rather I am writing it because I simply can't talk about it all right now. When I can't talk, I can write, and when I can write I can share what is going on inside my family without feeling judged as much as when I have to explain it to you to get you to understand.
It has been over a year since Matthew has been in a hospital and it is my hope right now that we can keep moving forward. It has been just under a year since Matthew was in Healy house, a place that allows all of us a 3 week respite, and today I made the call to get him on the waiting list to go back. Tonight however I realized that my son is struggling more than I had thought. Tonight I realized that like everything in life there is a cycle to Matthew's ups and downs and we are heading down rather quickly.
It started a few weeks ago, he would get more upset than usual about little things. He was food hording and obsessing and I thought it was just a phase. I assumed it would pass. Then he and I started arguing more....I would say black and he would say white. I would say up and he would say down. Then on Thursday he got angry and got a little bit physical with me. Nothing major, he just threw a toy. Then we had a fabulous weekend. I thought for sure things were looking up. We had a wonderful time with my extended family and I thought the cycle had ended.
On Monday we were home for Veteran's day and things were going so well that I kept Matthew home for the day rather than sending him to the YMCA for a child care program. Then at around 1:30 things started to plummet. I went to the car to tke the boys on a playdate and I told him it was time to come. He was in the house for a few more minutes and said he was looking for his Ipod. Turned out he came out to the car with his pockets full of food. I hadn't locked the lock box because we were leaving.
I told him that he had made a bad choice and he started to kick and hit. I told him he would sit at the playground and he screamed. He got out of the car at the playground but then when I was firm and told him to go back, he went back. I still thought maybe we would be ok. After the playdate where things went pretty well, we went to the grocery store. Jacob and David wanted a cookie at the grocery store. I had the internal mom fight- it wasn't fair that they couldnt have a cookie, but Matthew had been told he couldnt have one as part of the consequence of putting all of the junk food in his pockets. I knew giving them a cookie would cause a tantrum, but was it fair to deny the other 2 a cookie? It was the grocery store routine. I got them both a cookie and Matthew said he understood, and then out of nowhere his anger took over and he kicked and screamed. The panic that takes over the other 2 in these moments is so intense. It is not normal to block your child with a grocery cart so he doesn't hurt your other children. But for a child with FAS, anger is anger and when he is angry Matthew sees no consequences to his actions. As quickly as the anger came on, the anger subsided and matthew cried and apologized and it was over.
Today things had gone well in the morning. I thought we were doing well. I went to pick up Matthew and Jacob from the YMCA after school and there had been an announcement that there was to be a pizza party on Wednesday at the Y. Matthew doesn't go to the YMCA on Wednesday, Matthew goes to Hebrew school. As soon as I walked in, I could see he was stewing. I knew he was upset, and it only took a moment to find out why. He wanted pizza on Wednesday, he didnt care about hebrew school. He didnt care about anything. He wanted pizza and that was all he could see.
I was firm, I was calm, I was patient. He had hebrew school, he would have pizza another time. No, I would not change my mind. No, he could not stay home from hebrew school for pizza. We walked to the car and he hit me. We walked to the car and he kicked my leg and screamed curse words that you would usually hear from a sailor. We walked to the car and I held Jacob's hand and reassured him.
Finally, after what seemed like forever he got in the car, and after a few moments he cried and cried. The tears of a person with a mental illness. The tears of a person who cannot control themselves. The tears that break a moms heart. The tears that tell me he needs help. The psychiatrist is away until Monday. We have an appointment on Wednesday, but will it be soon enough? Will the darkness go away as fast as it has come? He missed last Thanksgiving with us. Will he be safe enough to be with us this year? Where is there help? I hate to go down this dark road again. I hate to see him struggle with is demons.
We will be ok, I know that. I know that mental illness is like any other disease and I will get Matthew the help he needs. I will keep life consistent for David and Jacob and myself because we deserve that. I will get Matthew help and stay calm and be patient because that will help him. I am hoping that we can make it to the appointment with the psychiatrist on Wednesday, that she will make a medication change and he will feel better. I hate to see him shake with tears, and to know that he hates exploding with rage but at the same time he cannot seem to stop himself.
It has been over a year since Matthew has been in a hospital and it is my hope right now that we can keep moving forward. It has been just under a year since Matthew was in Healy house, a place that allows all of us a 3 week respite, and today I made the call to get him on the waiting list to go back. Tonight however I realized that my son is struggling more than I had thought. Tonight I realized that like everything in life there is a cycle to Matthew's ups and downs and we are heading down rather quickly.
It started a few weeks ago, he would get more upset than usual about little things. He was food hording and obsessing and I thought it was just a phase. I assumed it would pass. Then he and I started arguing more....I would say black and he would say white. I would say up and he would say down. Then on Thursday he got angry and got a little bit physical with me. Nothing major, he just threw a toy. Then we had a fabulous weekend. I thought for sure things were looking up. We had a wonderful time with my extended family and I thought the cycle had ended.
On Monday we were home for Veteran's day and things were going so well that I kept Matthew home for the day rather than sending him to the YMCA for a child care program. Then at around 1:30 things started to plummet. I went to the car to tke the boys on a playdate and I told him it was time to come. He was in the house for a few more minutes and said he was looking for his Ipod. Turned out he came out to the car with his pockets full of food. I hadn't locked the lock box because we were leaving.
I told him that he had made a bad choice and he started to kick and hit. I told him he would sit at the playground and he screamed. He got out of the car at the playground but then when I was firm and told him to go back, he went back. I still thought maybe we would be ok. After the playdate where things went pretty well, we went to the grocery store. Jacob and David wanted a cookie at the grocery store. I had the internal mom fight- it wasn't fair that they couldnt have a cookie, but Matthew had been told he couldnt have one as part of the consequence of putting all of the junk food in his pockets. I knew giving them a cookie would cause a tantrum, but was it fair to deny the other 2 a cookie? It was the grocery store routine. I got them both a cookie and Matthew said he understood, and then out of nowhere his anger took over and he kicked and screamed. The panic that takes over the other 2 in these moments is so intense. It is not normal to block your child with a grocery cart so he doesn't hurt your other children. But for a child with FAS, anger is anger and when he is angry Matthew sees no consequences to his actions. As quickly as the anger came on, the anger subsided and matthew cried and apologized and it was over.
Today things had gone well in the morning. I thought we were doing well. I went to pick up Matthew and Jacob from the YMCA after school and there had been an announcement that there was to be a pizza party on Wednesday at the Y. Matthew doesn't go to the YMCA on Wednesday, Matthew goes to Hebrew school. As soon as I walked in, I could see he was stewing. I knew he was upset, and it only took a moment to find out why. He wanted pizza on Wednesday, he didnt care about hebrew school. He didnt care about anything. He wanted pizza and that was all he could see.
I was firm, I was calm, I was patient. He had hebrew school, he would have pizza another time. No, I would not change my mind. No, he could not stay home from hebrew school for pizza. We walked to the car and he hit me. We walked to the car and he kicked my leg and screamed curse words that you would usually hear from a sailor. We walked to the car and I held Jacob's hand and reassured him.
Finally, after what seemed like forever he got in the car, and after a few moments he cried and cried. The tears of a person with a mental illness. The tears of a person who cannot control themselves. The tears that break a moms heart. The tears that tell me he needs help. The psychiatrist is away until Monday. We have an appointment on Wednesday, but will it be soon enough? Will the darkness go away as fast as it has come? He missed last Thanksgiving with us. Will he be safe enough to be with us this year? Where is there help? I hate to go down this dark road again. I hate to see him struggle with is demons.
We will be ok, I know that. I know that mental illness is like any other disease and I will get Matthew the help he needs. I will keep life consistent for David and Jacob and myself because we deserve that. I will get Matthew help and stay calm and be patient because that will help him. I am hoping that we can make it to the appointment with the psychiatrist on Wednesday, that she will make a medication change and he will feel better. I hate to see him shake with tears, and to know that he hates exploding with rage but at the same time he cannot seem to stop himself.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
The roller coaster of our life
We have had a pretty smooth start to the school year. All of the boys are doing relatively well. Matthew started in a new school and Jacob has started Kindergarten, so given the major life changes going on, I am happy to say that the past few months have been relatively calm.
Unfortunately, when life is calm I forget all that can go into running our lives when the roller coaster of our lives gathers steam. I don't know exactly what is going on with Matthew but the last 3 days have been intense. He is so hyper focused on food right now, it is all he is thinking about, it is keeping him up at night, and overtaking his entire days. His obsession over food will always be more powerful than my ability to think one step ahead of him and prevent him from wreaking havoc in the house.
As he is getting older he is getting just that much more clever. He knows the complete and total inventory of every food item in our house and it seems like he waits with baited breath for me to walk away or leave something out or open. Twice this weekend he has asked for a drink which I have of course allowed, only to find him elbow deep in a container of chocolate or shoving candy in his mouth that I had mistakenly left out.
We made pumpkin bread and he told me that he was going to leave it alone. He wanted some for school the next day so he would leave it, and no sooner did he say this then I left the kitchen and he devoured and destroyed all that was left.
I try to keep as much of the food like cereal, bread, bagels etc... locked up so that he has limited access to snack type foods. I never thought we would live like this, but if locking food up ends the fights, it makes sense to lock it up. However, he checks the locks hundreds of times a day. If I unlock it to get the bread to make lunch, this weekend he has snuck behind me to find something in the lock box. It is exhausting. It has been a while since we have lived like this. I had actually been debating starting to leave the lock box unlocked because things had gotten so much better, so to go back to life like this is emotionally and physically exhausting. I have to be one step ahead, but it is one step ahead of someone's mental illness and obsessions.....that is hard to be.
In addition, he is talking about food non stop. He is talking about food so much that I am constantly feeling full. Not because I have eaten, but simply because if you talk about food enough, I am realizing that one becomes consistently not hungry.
I hate seeing my son like this. I hate seeing him struggle and I hate being so overwhelmed by his struggles.
There are no books that tell me how to wind my way through all of this and to find a path that will guide us all through this successfully. I constantly think how crazy it is to lock up food, but then again how crazy it is to not lock it up and to instead have constant turmoil. I have thought and debated about what would happen if we simply had no food that Matthew would crave, but if it isnt one thing it's another. Sure, he has a pecking order, carbs are at the top, but if we had no carbs he would drink a gallon of milk. If there was no milk, he would eat dried fruit by the truckload. If there was no dried fruit, he would eat cheese sticks. Whatever there is, the obsession is deep.
Hopefully soon the weather will change and the obsession will stop, or he will again find peace. Hopefully this is a little tiny blip on the radar and we are not entering a dark place. We have done so well for so long, I am not ready for major struggles again.
Unfortunately, when life is calm I forget all that can go into running our lives when the roller coaster of our lives gathers steam. I don't know exactly what is going on with Matthew but the last 3 days have been intense. He is so hyper focused on food right now, it is all he is thinking about, it is keeping him up at night, and overtaking his entire days. His obsession over food will always be more powerful than my ability to think one step ahead of him and prevent him from wreaking havoc in the house.
As he is getting older he is getting just that much more clever. He knows the complete and total inventory of every food item in our house and it seems like he waits with baited breath for me to walk away or leave something out or open. Twice this weekend he has asked for a drink which I have of course allowed, only to find him elbow deep in a container of chocolate or shoving candy in his mouth that I had mistakenly left out.
We made pumpkin bread and he told me that he was going to leave it alone. He wanted some for school the next day so he would leave it, and no sooner did he say this then I left the kitchen and he devoured and destroyed all that was left.
I try to keep as much of the food like cereal, bread, bagels etc... locked up so that he has limited access to snack type foods. I never thought we would live like this, but if locking food up ends the fights, it makes sense to lock it up. However, he checks the locks hundreds of times a day. If I unlock it to get the bread to make lunch, this weekend he has snuck behind me to find something in the lock box. It is exhausting. It has been a while since we have lived like this. I had actually been debating starting to leave the lock box unlocked because things had gotten so much better, so to go back to life like this is emotionally and physically exhausting. I have to be one step ahead, but it is one step ahead of someone's mental illness and obsessions.....that is hard to be.
In addition, he is talking about food non stop. He is talking about food so much that I am constantly feeling full. Not because I have eaten, but simply because if you talk about food enough, I am realizing that one becomes consistently not hungry.
I hate seeing my son like this. I hate seeing him struggle and I hate being so overwhelmed by his struggles.
There are no books that tell me how to wind my way through all of this and to find a path that will guide us all through this successfully. I constantly think how crazy it is to lock up food, but then again how crazy it is to not lock it up and to instead have constant turmoil. I have thought and debated about what would happen if we simply had no food that Matthew would crave, but if it isnt one thing it's another. Sure, he has a pecking order, carbs are at the top, but if we had no carbs he would drink a gallon of milk. If there was no milk, he would eat dried fruit by the truckload. If there was no dried fruit, he would eat cheese sticks. Whatever there is, the obsession is deep.
Hopefully soon the weather will change and the obsession will stop, or he will again find peace. Hopefully this is a little tiny blip on the radar and we are not entering a dark place. We have done so well for so long, I am not ready for major struggles again.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Lucky
Lucky.....not a word I often think of when I think of our lives. But Lucky is the only word I have for this weekend. Lucky for so many reasons!
1. Jacob and I seem to have moved on from our adoption talks and he seems to be at peace. His adoption binder is back in the drawer and he no longer wants to sleep with it each night.
2. Jacob has asked that I make sure to keep his binder safe, but we had the opportunity to talk again about his adoption at midnight on Friday night when it was just him and I and we were snuggling together. This is the best way to talk about life's worries- maybe not the best time, but certainly while snuggling makes the talk considerably safer.
3. I had the chance to scrapbook with friends this weekend and I used that time to work on each of the boys adoption books. While going through Matthew's book I found pictures I had forgotten I had of Matthew's birth mom, and I found the letters she wrote to me. I had forgotten how beautiful her words were, and how much faith she had in me. I had forgotten the love she had when she placed him for adoption and gave me the gift of motherhood. Upon finding her letters I felt like I had been punched in the gut- had I let her down? Did I keep my part of the deal? Would she be proud of me as his mom? Adoption means that you are caring for the hopes and dreams of another parent. It is quite a responsibility, and finding her letters reminded me of my promises to her upon Matthew's adoption.
4. Jacob had a fabulous playdate with an old friend from preschool, and on Saturday David and I had the day together. As a single mom with 3 boys, time alone with one child is rare. To have time with David is an amazing gift. You get to hear what he is thinking and what he feels. It was among my best 3 hours in the past month. I always say that I have to find more time to give each of my boys alone time, and again I am recommitting to this promise.
5. Today Matthew had a playdate. He is 11 years old and hasn't had a playdate in 7 years. That is a long time for a child to go without an invitation to play with another child. Watching Matthew and his friend I felt like I had been given a parenting gift. It was awesome to watch Matthew negotiate the intricacies of socializing with a friend, and heart warming to watch his friend spend time with our family.
We went to the YMCA to swim and then went on a hike and the day passed with happiness and ease. My wish for years was for Matthew to have a friend! My wish has come true! It was all that I wanted and more to see him happy and playing with a peer!
6. I feel like we are part of a great community again. With my boys, and I think also in part due to who I am as a person, a feeling of belonging comes and goes for me. Today I was reminded that we are part of a wonderful community. I will never be a person with a huge number of friends, but I am a person who is blessed to have a community of supporters and people who want to see my family succeed! For that I am so lucky.
1. Jacob and I seem to have moved on from our adoption talks and he seems to be at peace. His adoption binder is back in the drawer and he no longer wants to sleep with it each night.
2. Jacob has asked that I make sure to keep his binder safe, but we had the opportunity to talk again about his adoption at midnight on Friday night when it was just him and I and we were snuggling together. This is the best way to talk about life's worries- maybe not the best time, but certainly while snuggling makes the talk considerably safer.
3. I had the chance to scrapbook with friends this weekend and I used that time to work on each of the boys adoption books. While going through Matthew's book I found pictures I had forgotten I had of Matthew's birth mom, and I found the letters she wrote to me. I had forgotten how beautiful her words were, and how much faith she had in me. I had forgotten the love she had when she placed him for adoption and gave me the gift of motherhood. Upon finding her letters I felt like I had been punched in the gut- had I let her down? Did I keep my part of the deal? Would she be proud of me as his mom? Adoption means that you are caring for the hopes and dreams of another parent. It is quite a responsibility, and finding her letters reminded me of my promises to her upon Matthew's adoption.
4. Jacob had a fabulous playdate with an old friend from preschool, and on Saturday David and I had the day together. As a single mom with 3 boys, time alone with one child is rare. To have time with David is an amazing gift. You get to hear what he is thinking and what he feels. It was among my best 3 hours in the past month. I always say that I have to find more time to give each of my boys alone time, and again I am recommitting to this promise.
5. Today Matthew had a playdate. He is 11 years old and hasn't had a playdate in 7 years. That is a long time for a child to go without an invitation to play with another child. Watching Matthew and his friend I felt like I had been given a parenting gift. It was awesome to watch Matthew negotiate the intricacies of socializing with a friend, and heart warming to watch his friend spend time with our family.
We went to the YMCA to swim and then went on a hike and the day passed with happiness and ease. My wish for years was for Matthew to have a friend! My wish has come true! It was all that I wanted and more to see him happy and playing with a peer!
6. I feel like we are part of a great community again. With my boys, and I think also in part due to who I am as a person, a feeling of belonging comes and goes for me. Today I was reminded that we are part of a wonderful community. I will never be a person with a huge number of friends, but I am a person who is blessed to have a community of supporters and people who want to see my family succeed! For that I am so lucky.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
the stuff they don't teach you in adoption class 101
I have always had books about people of different skin colors in our house. As the caucasian mom to 3 children of African American decent, I knew it was important to have skin color be an open topic. From the time Matthew could sit for a book, I remember reading him the book Brown Sugar Babies! The book has beautiful pictures of babies of all different shades of skin color. I thought that with books like this and an open forum, we would be smooth sailing through a lot of adoption issues that surrounded race.
Over the past year or so it became obvious that no matter how many books we read, skin color was going to play a role in our family dynamic. Jacob spoke frequently about not liking his brown skin. It doesn't help that he has bad eczema and so we are often talking about his skin and his sores. It is not a far cry to go from my skin hurts to "I wish I had different skin"! Each time the topic came up we would stop and look at all that makes his skin beautiful and how all 4 of us have different skin color and how beautiful each color is.
Monday night David picked out the book "The Color of Us" for us to read at bedtime. It is a great book about a child going for a walk through her neighborhood and noticing all of the different skin tones that make up the people of the neighborhood. There is a page with hands of all different colors and Jacob immediately started to try to find the picture of the hand that most closely matched his own. In turn Matthew, David and I also did the same.
As we were looking at our hands, Jacob asked me to tell him the story of his birthmother. I have always been open with the boys about their birth stories and so I went ahead and told him his story as I would usually do. Jacob was placed for adoption by a birthmom and was initially adopted by 2 women who live in Conneticut. After receiving Jacob's intitial newborn bloodwork back, there was concern that Jacob had sickle cell anemia. Jacob's adoptive parents did not feel prepared to care for a sick baby. They lovingly looked for a new adoptive family, and I was beyond ecstatic to welcome Jacob to ours! David, Matthew and I met with Jacob's first adoptive family at my Aunt and Uncle's house and in December 2006, during Hanukah, Jacob joined our family.
On Monday night, as Jacob asked more questions, I got out my bin of all of the adoption paperwork so that I could show him his adoption certificate. In the box was all of my paperwork, from the notes I made when I was first called about each of the boys, to the signed forms formalizing their adoption.
When I showed Jacob his adoption certificate, he begged me to let him sleep with them that night. I tried to show him that the adoption certificate is special and therfor not really something to be slept with, but he was persistent. He finally agreed to go to bed under the condition that I formally put his adoption information into his own book, and that I make him a copy of his adoption certificate that is for sleeping with.
I thought when he woke up in the morning and there was no further discussion of adoption that Jacob had moved forward. I patted myself on the back for a job well done, and moved on to the next family dilemna.
Tonight, as we were driving home from Temple, Jacob hit me between the eyes with some more powerful questions. Hard hitting questions. The kinds of questions that one can only ask in the dark as you are driving. As the parent you are thankful to have the road to focus on as you answer, and as the child you are thankful to be able to ask these questions without having to look at your mom eye to eye.
It started innocently enough with a statement, "my mom told me that if you are sick you should get some water then run around and then you will feel better." And then it tumbled into a long list of questions:
" when you adopt someone, it is supposed to be forever, why wasn't it forever"
"can I meet my birthmom?" "why do I have to wait until I am 18 to meet her?"
"why am I in this family?" "why didn't they want me forever?" "can I write to her?" "can I talk to her?"
I answered as best as I could. Taking the time to think, but not too much time that he would fear he had upset me. Pausing to be thoughtful, but answering with certainty so he knew I was being truthful.
Upon arriving home Jacob hurried to get on his pajamas and immediately met me with a piece of paper. He was ready to write and needed me to be his scribe. Before writing, I took out his adoption binder, hoping that by showing this to him he would feel secure, ( and maybe I could distract him from the letter he seemed intent on writing). We looked at his foot prints that were taken in the hospital. We read through the description of the page that talks about his birthmom- I said how she was tall, 5 feet 9 inches, and we laughed about the fact that she had allergies as he sniffled.
I paused for a few moments and then decided that I had to complete the story for him. I had to show him the 1 picture I have from his first adoptive family. I have no pictures for him of his birth mom, but I do have one picture of his brothers from his first adoptive family. He studied that picture silently, taking it in.
Then he slowly picked up his pencil and started to draw- one person, "is this tall enough? you said my mom was tall". Another person, "what was the boy in the pictures name? Can you write it?". Then ever so slowly, he drew himself. He asked me to label each person, one was Jacob, one was his first adoptive mom and the other was his first adoptive brother. He then had me write the following, "Dear , I love you, you are the best. I cannot wait to see you. I love you forever, and I want to see you soon. I have a joke for you I will tell you when I see you. I think you are funny, I will see you soon, with a joke. From Jacob"
He then tenderly took the paper, looked it over, and put it in the front of his adoption binder, "for when I am ready". He then grabbed the whole binder, put it under his arm, and turned it over. On the back was a banana sticker. He rubbed the sticker and asked me to take it off, saying "I know she loved bananas, even without the sticker".
We went upstairs and I tucked him in, reminding him to be careful of the binder.
I came back down, and reminded myself that the binder is his. It tells his story, it is the connection he has to his past, and together he and I will find our way through the story of Jacob. I am here to guide him and fill in whatever pieces I can. He is the leader as we walk down this path. My heart is in his hand, and he struggles through making sense of the adult concept of adoption, which often doesn't even make sense to adults.
Over the past year or so it became obvious that no matter how many books we read, skin color was going to play a role in our family dynamic. Jacob spoke frequently about not liking his brown skin. It doesn't help that he has bad eczema and so we are often talking about his skin and his sores. It is not a far cry to go from my skin hurts to "I wish I had different skin"! Each time the topic came up we would stop and look at all that makes his skin beautiful and how all 4 of us have different skin color and how beautiful each color is.
Monday night David picked out the book "The Color of Us" for us to read at bedtime. It is a great book about a child going for a walk through her neighborhood and noticing all of the different skin tones that make up the people of the neighborhood. There is a page with hands of all different colors and Jacob immediately started to try to find the picture of the hand that most closely matched his own. In turn Matthew, David and I also did the same.
As we were looking at our hands, Jacob asked me to tell him the story of his birthmother. I have always been open with the boys about their birth stories and so I went ahead and told him his story as I would usually do. Jacob was placed for adoption by a birthmom and was initially adopted by 2 women who live in Conneticut. After receiving Jacob's intitial newborn bloodwork back, there was concern that Jacob had sickle cell anemia. Jacob's adoptive parents did not feel prepared to care for a sick baby. They lovingly looked for a new adoptive family, and I was beyond ecstatic to welcome Jacob to ours! David, Matthew and I met with Jacob's first adoptive family at my Aunt and Uncle's house and in December 2006, during Hanukah, Jacob joined our family.
On Monday night, as Jacob asked more questions, I got out my bin of all of the adoption paperwork so that I could show him his adoption certificate. In the box was all of my paperwork, from the notes I made when I was first called about each of the boys, to the signed forms formalizing their adoption.
When I showed Jacob his adoption certificate, he begged me to let him sleep with them that night. I tried to show him that the adoption certificate is special and therfor not really something to be slept with, but he was persistent. He finally agreed to go to bed under the condition that I formally put his adoption information into his own book, and that I make him a copy of his adoption certificate that is for sleeping with.
I thought when he woke up in the morning and there was no further discussion of adoption that Jacob had moved forward. I patted myself on the back for a job well done, and moved on to the next family dilemna.
Tonight, as we were driving home from Temple, Jacob hit me between the eyes with some more powerful questions. Hard hitting questions. The kinds of questions that one can only ask in the dark as you are driving. As the parent you are thankful to have the road to focus on as you answer, and as the child you are thankful to be able to ask these questions without having to look at your mom eye to eye.
It started innocently enough with a statement, "my mom told me that if you are sick you should get some water then run around and then you will feel better." And then it tumbled into a long list of questions:
" when you adopt someone, it is supposed to be forever, why wasn't it forever"
"can I meet my birthmom?" "why do I have to wait until I am 18 to meet her?"
"why am I in this family?" "why didn't they want me forever?" "can I write to her?" "can I talk to her?"
I answered as best as I could. Taking the time to think, but not too much time that he would fear he had upset me. Pausing to be thoughtful, but answering with certainty so he knew I was being truthful.
Upon arriving home Jacob hurried to get on his pajamas and immediately met me with a piece of paper. He was ready to write and needed me to be his scribe. Before writing, I took out his adoption binder, hoping that by showing this to him he would feel secure, ( and maybe I could distract him from the letter he seemed intent on writing). We looked at his foot prints that were taken in the hospital. We read through the description of the page that talks about his birthmom- I said how she was tall, 5 feet 9 inches, and we laughed about the fact that she had allergies as he sniffled.
I paused for a few moments and then decided that I had to complete the story for him. I had to show him the 1 picture I have from his first adoptive family. I have no pictures for him of his birth mom, but I do have one picture of his brothers from his first adoptive family. He studied that picture silently, taking it in.
Then he slowly picked up his pencil and started to draw- one person, "is this tall enough? you said my mom was tall". Another person, "what was the boy in the pictures name? Can you write it?". Then ever so slowly, he drew himself. He asked me to label each person, one was Jacob, one was his first adoptive mom and the other was his first adoptive brother. He then had me write the following, "Dear , I love you, you are the best. I cannot wait to see you. I love you forever, and I want to see you soon. I have a joke for you I will tell you when I see you. I think you are funny, I will see you soon, with a joke. From Jacob"
He then tenderly took the paper, looked it over, and put it in the front of his adoption binder, "for when I am ready". He then grabbed the whole binder, put it under his arm, and turned it over. On the back was a banana sticker. He rubbed the sticker and asked me to take it off, saying "I know she loved bananas, even without the sticker".
We went upstairs and I tucked him in, reminding him to be careful of the binder.
I came back down, and reminded myself that the binder is his. It tells his story, it is the connection he has to his past, and together he and I will find our way through the story of Jacob. I am here to guide him and fill in whatever pieces I can. He is the leader as we walk down this path. My heart is in his hand, and he struggles through making sense of the adult concept of adoption, which often doesn't even make sense to adults.
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