Reality Stinks

I hate the cycle of our life......When Matthew is struggling, really strugling, I am often at my best.  I see my boy in so much pain, and I know that I am the one that has to keep it togethr, so I do.  I may cry for him at night, but I know that he is in pain, and so I have to be his cheerleader and his advocate.

Then when he  is in the hospital, my plate is full.  I have to give my time to the other 2 boys, monitor all that is going on in the hospital, cheerlead for Matthew in the hospital and try to connect with him no matter how he is doing.

As Matthew is being discharged from the hospital I have to worry about his reentry into the family.  Will everyone get along?  Will they all be ok?  Have I given them each time and attention to make the reentry successful? Is school ready for Matthew's return?

Then, after a few days we are back in the groove and life and I crash.  Today I have crashed.  I am mad.  Really, really mad.  Not at anyone in particulr, (unless you are a human who is breathing around me, or someone who is demanding something of me and my time).....
I am mad at our situation.  I am mad at our lives.

I am tired....bone tired.   I am tired of coming downstairs every single morning to the same insanity.  I walk down the steps and matthew either yells to me "I haven't eaten anything yet", which is always, always, always a lie or "can I have breakfast.".  He has ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS already eaten.  He has likely already eaten more than any human should eat in a day.  Now it is up to me to determine what he has eaten so that I can determine what else he may need to eat in the morning or for lunch.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again when it doesn't work.  I am at the point right now where I could live in my bed just to avoid the first steps down the stairs every single morning.  It is a horrible, horrible start to every single day.

I have tried leaving out food- he eats that and scavenges for more.
i have tried leaving out NO food- he will eat dry pancake mix
I have tried getting up with him- he gets up anywhere between 5 and 7:30- I can't get up that early just to lie in wait for him.
I have tried to get him not to talk to me in the morning- he talks anyways.
I have tried to just not care- I can't figure out how to not care when he is not being honest- I am his mom, I care.

I am tired- I have spent since New Years Eve  Day caring for my son who was in crisis.  Today I have nothing left to give.  I could lay on the floor and tantrum.  I could fall apart right now.  I am a yelling, screaming angry mom today, and I hate myself for that.  I hate yelling when likely they have as little control over themselves as I have over me.  The more I am angry, the more they are fighting.  We are stuck in a bad cycle today.  I am hoping to hit our reset button, and have everyone rest.  I am hoping that will make me less tired and will give me the strength to get through today.

I hate this cycle!  Today I hate this part of our lives.  I know that I will be up for the fight again soon, but for today, I am waving my white flag.