About Me

I am a single mom of three amazing boys!  All three of my sons entered my family through adoption.  All three of my boys have developmental disabilities. My oldest son, Matthew has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder. David, my middle son, has a genetic condition, he has a duplication on his 15th chromosome which leads to autism like symptoms, seizures and learning challenges. My youngest son, Jacob has learning disabilities. Each of my children bring unique challengs to our family and also bring their own personality and joys to our everyday life!

Monday, December 13, 2010

all time low

I really dont know how much more I can take.....I purposely went grocery shopping today without matthew because I couldn't take another food tantrum, I just didnt have it in me. He was home when we got home and I was signing papers for his reshab worker and I asked the boys to put away the groceries.

I had a pretty good inventory in my head of what to be on the lookout for- I knew he would try to sneak the cookies and likely the crackers so I checked the location of those items. He put some of his favorite foods in a cabinet because "he forgot those go in the lockbox" and I found all of those and put them in the lock box.

But I forgot I bought 2 boxes of cereal. I had the box i bought for David, but I forgot I bought LIFE cereal.....it wasn't on my radar. I forgot to look to make sure it was put away. I spent a relaxing night at home watching tv and hanging out. All was good until I headed upstairs to bed and there in plain sight was the LIFE cereal- an opened box right next to Matthew's bed.

This means he was able to find the box, hide it upstairs somewhere I wouldnt find it, and then he was quiet enough about what he was doing so I wouldn't hear him open the box. Had he stayed awake long enough to put the box away, he could have gotten away with it and had the box for days until i noticed an influx of crumbs.

Sure, there were signs, he asked where I was when I came downstairs after putting them to bed- but this is not totally unusual. He went to bed without a fight...also not unheard of. He didnt say goodnight 15 times- strange, but not so strange that it alerted me. He didnt tease Jacob after I tucked them in-this was the most odd, but again, not so odd that I forgot to notice him NOT teasing Jacob.

Seriously, how can he put all of this together and have me not notice? Why does he put so much energy into sneaking a box of cereal upstairs and hiding it?

I know his body must hunger for the food- but he eats more than anyone needs. I know scavenging for food and obsessing about food is common in kids with Fetal alcohol sydnrome...I get it. But I am tired of squeezing all the food I buy into a lock box. I am tired of having to lock up my food. I am tired of not being able to tell the kids to just go get a granola bar. I am tired.......I am simply, plainly tired.

I love him with all my heart. I know that no matter how hard it is to parent Matthew, it has to be that much harder to be Matthew. However, I am tired, and would like 1 day that goes back to when life was easy. When I could trust him and not always think he is up to something. One day when I am proven wrong that his goodness is not for another purpose.....One easy day. One nice note from the teacher that follows with a good day at home.

And to top off all of this....David has started his seizure gag/cough....please make this seizure cycle easy....let the seizure come and go and be a small one. At least this explains David's intensity this weekend and it means that David's seizure will come and he will go back to being stable, but please make it quick. We are going away in 9 days.....I need a peaceful trip, I need to go away feeling somewhat calm so that life is not overwhelming before we get to Disney.

one calm day, really if I can get that, I promise it will be enough....but is there really a way to get 1 whole calm day? maybe I should ask for 1 calm hour.........1 calm minute????