It has been a long few months and I have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to be a better mom. David may not say much, but since his most recent respite worker left he has spent a lot of time telling me either
* he is moving in with one of his uncles
* he is changing families to a family where no one yells
* he is running away and moving in with his respite worker
While I know in my head that all families have struggles that no one sees, it is really hard to have a limitedly verbal child who chooses to use language to insult you. It is hard to walk downstairs EVERY morning to find food all over the couch, the floor and the entire family room and no matter how calmly I ask David to clean things up, he gets upset. He then immediately begins to tell me how horrible I am and how awesome it would be to live in 100 other places. No matter how much I have tried to compliment him for only making a little mess, or downloaded apps on his ipad so he has activities to do in the kitchen while he eats, it is a daily struggle and a true mess.
I know in my heart that it is not his fault. He struggles with intense ADHD and the meds are not in his system when he gets up in the AM, so I assume this is why he pours cereal all over the kitchen, and then milk all over the place and then when he carries the food into the family room the mess just spreads from there, but it really doesn't matter who's fault it is......it is STILL A HUGE MESS!
I have tried pouring him a bowl of cereal- on those days he chooses to eat pop tarts instead....again, not 1 pop tart, but rather he opens all of the pop tart pouches, takes 1 bite from each pop tart and then leaves them open all over the chair while they crumble all around him.
I have tried leaving him pop tarts- just 1 package- on those days he opens the waffles and takes them all out and takes 1 bite from each waffle, and then leaves them all over the place while he sits and watches tv on top of, next to and all around the waffles.
I have tried getting up at 5 AM to catch him before he gets up and make him breakfast. On those days he sits silently in his room under his covers watching his ipad, then he goes downstairs to eat when I eventually go up to shower......of course he eats as described above!
I have tried talking to him. I have had my brother explain how we can get ants, and mice and other yucky things from the food. I have praised him for doing a great job when he eats in the kitchen. I have done a sticker chart....I have yelled....I have tried everything I can think of. and yet no matter what I try, essentially all I am told is that he hates me and he is moving in with someone else who never, ever, ever yells!
Today as he and I played a game with friends and they saw him become frustrated and saw me become frazzled a friend said something very wise. I commented on how he always feels like I need to do better to stay calm, and how he needs to be kinder to me, and she reminded me that I need to be calmer to myself!!!
I want to be perfect. I want to ensure that I have given them no reason to go to therapy....and yet I have already given them 1000 reasons all to go to therapy. I want to go to bed every night with hugs and kisses all around, but in reality I am human.
I described to Jacob today how I am essentially a human thermometer. How no one action really ever makes my blood boil, however all of the little actions make the red in my thermometer go up, and unfortunately by the end of the day often my red is at the top and the explosion is often bubbling under the surface.
I do my very, very best to stay calm, and keep the bubbling at bay, but with 3 kids with significant needs, the demands are really high on me. My children are in school with a lot of adults to support them. There are a lot of people to hear their demands and to answer their questions. When one person can no longer hear the same request over and over a new adult can take over.
At home, I am the only one to hear their true needs. I am the only one who hears David's voice and all of the challenging things. ( that is unless he texts you....then you may get one of his texts where he tells you I am mean or something else about me....)I am the only one he hears Matthew beg me to let him drive over, and over and over again. I am the one who hears Jacob's needs.
For Matthew it is painful to disappoint him over and over again. I would love to let him drive, but that would be unsafe for him and those around him. Every time he asks it hurts me. Yesterday he asked why he "had to be born this way and why his brain is broken". As I steadied my voice and quickly gave a reason that didn't blame his birth mom, as that is not fair, we talked about him driving one day in the future. I don't know if that future will come, but at least it bought me time.
For David, once he is medicated life becomes easier, but it is a challenging hour that he and I live through each morning. I am sure one day we will find a solution, but for now it is up to me to have control over my reaction because I am able to be in control, and he is not. That said, as my furniture is ruined, and I have to clean up daily, it is hard, and I am human.
For Jacob, his needs are still those of a more typical child, coupled with the speed and impulsivity of his ADHD and at times those are challenges. There are so many times he questions why he can't be more like "all of the other kids" and I have to remind him that he is doing great, and simply help him move on. He has grown so much and I am so proud of him.
This is our daily life. Of course we are not alone at all in life as we know it, but we are in a minority of people of live in a single parent household with 2 children who have needs significant enough to need to be educated in an out of district placement and one child to be educated in a self contained classroom. There are a minimum of 4 adults for 6 children in each classroom my children attend, and yet I am alone at home. In my rational head, I am not sure why I truly believe I should be able to pull of being with my 3 kids alone.....but my mom head says of course I should be able to do this...maybe it is ME who is crazy!!!!
