In August 2022 Matthew began attending a program for kids with special needs on a local college campus. It has been by far the very best experience for him. That said, Matthew is and always will be Matthew, and therefore this program, since Matthew lives on campus, has allowed me some of the very best Matthew Bloom stories ever.
Matthew is often funny and has absolutely no idea how funny he is. He can be indignant, and have a persistent insistence on the way that he thinks the world should be and when I try to tell him otherwise he becomes so frustrated. This is the funniest when he is being indignant and insistent on things that he is 110% wrong about.
Without further ado....the funniest Matthewisms since he began the this awesome program.
September in the shower
Matt to me via text
Matt- Can you call me
Me- sure
Matt- answers the and immediately says, "you caught me in the shower"
Me- then why did you ask me to call you if you were showering?
Matt- i wanted to tell you about the dinner I made. I made sausage and peppers for dinner and pasta.
Me- are you still in the shower?
Matt- yes, but I don't know why you called me when I am in the shower.
Me- matt, please don't answer the phone in the shower
Matt- but I made sausage
Me- hangs up phone.....because the vision of Matt in the shower talking about sausage is more than any mom needs to cope with
Matt wants Tinder- again via text
Matt- I have a question can I get the tinder dating app? my friend was showing me about it. You can say no it's fine he was showing me the different things you can do with it to meet people.
Me- immediately calling Matt- hi, no you cannot get tinder. Do you know what tinder is? It's a meet up app.
Matt- no it's not, you can do lot's of things with it.
Me- Matt it's an app for people to meet each other and hook up. Then realizing he likely has no concept of "hook up" I proceed to define that for him all while dying a little inside.
Matt- you are wrong. It is not for just hooking up. And in our program you can get the app and then you take a cum and call test
( a little aside here- in this program you take a lot of tests to show that you have different skills, so the fact that there is a test associated with app usage is surprising to me. However, the fact that it is called a "cum and call test" has me again dying inside.
Me- Matt, what are you talking about? What kind of test? You can't have this app. There are lots of ways to meet people.
Matt- "its a cum and call test. Maybe I'm saying it wrong, I can't remember, but they said cum and call and then you can date people. They said you take the test and you know in 6 months if you passed or not.
Me- inside my own head because I can't.......you don't know in 6 months if you passed!!!! You know in 9 months if you FAILED!
In my out loud voice- Matt, at this point I need to say no. We can talk about it, but there are lots of great ways to meet people and Tinder is not the best option.
A week later we have a meeting with staff from the program and I address the Tinder question. Upon asking what in the world a Cum and Call test is, the staff explain to me that all kids take a CONSENSUAL test to see if they can have friends over with the door closed.
Ok.....so "cum and call" = consensual.........gotta love Mattisms
October
Matt is loving his new found freedom and like all good young adults he spends an inordinate amount of time at the mall. Armed with a gift card he went to Aeropostale to shop and found he didn't have enough money on the card for anything except underwear. he convinced himself that the 10 pairs of underwear he had were not enough and that 1 more pair would absolutely be the difference in his life and promptly picks an awesome pair.
Upon going to the checkout the cashier tells him that it is Buy 1, Get 1 free for the underwear. Apparently he explained to her that he only needs 1 pair. She tells him that that's ok, but he may as well take the free one too. He insists that he only needs 1 and that 1 is good.
He then calls me to tell me how he "saved money" and didn't Buy 1, Get 1 free. Realizing I won't win any argument about this silliness of this I simply nod and smile and text some friends the newest Matthewism.
Fire Drills
In this program fire drills are a big deal. All of the kids are learning to cook for themselves and so the fire alarm can go off at times pretty frequently. Matthew was putting on pajamas one night just as the fire alarm went off. Afraid of not making it out in time, Matthew immediately ran out the door.......without his pants on........just in underwear......
And then he went on to explain to me that you HAVE to get out quickly, you don't stop for ANYTHING......like I'm the idiot. there is always time to put on pants, or grab a towel or SOMETHING before running outside in your drawers!
One day, the goal was to write a book. I don't knot that is a reality given life, but if nothing else this blog is a great way to keep documenting the life of the Bloom boys. Matthew is a one of kind, lives life to the fullest kind of guy and I'm just along for the ride, laughing and groaning all the way.
