The whole child

All of us are made up of many parts, personalities and things that make us special.  I'm a hard worker, with high expectations of others who can be over the top silly with kids, but also can be seen as "too demanding" by coworkers.

Matthew is sweet natured with a huge heart and a special ability to connect to people.  This charms grown ups but is seen as weird or intrusive by same age peers.

David is quiet, focused, and gentle.  He can also be the Tasmanian Devil prone to clear a whole room in a spin of chaos,

Jacob is creative, spunky, high energy with an intense personality who seems standoffish.  He cares for little kids with true love and concern but his impulsive nature at times leads to high risk fun.

For Jacob and David more than Matthew you have to get through their outer shell to find their awesome inner selves.  Currently Jacob needs an adult to bang down his tough outer tough core so that he can share his inner sweet side.  Jacob is a true sour patch kid- his initial sour pushes away some,but if you stick around you get to meet the true sweet, kind Jacob.

This year I have been looking for a sport for Jacob where he is part of a team. Jacob's true love is football but two years go he was told he couldn't play tackle while we monitored a newly diagnosed heart condition. I truly believe that his passion for football is due in apart to his love for the game but also due to his love of his coach.  With practice 3 times a week his football coach got to see Jacob asa kid with heart and passion.  He understood what made Jacob tick and encouraged him to play football with true heart.

Once Jacob was unable to play football we went looking for another sport he may love.  He tried out for the baseball team, but he was put on the team a league lower than his same aged peers.   He didn't make the travel team for basketball where we live.  He had little prior basketball knowledge so this wasn't a huge surprise, but his disappointment was real.  We then tried out for a private basketball team and he was cut because he was the last child to sign up.

Now he is playing on our recreational basketball team but even there he sees that he us not the child to move the ball up the court.  His job is to get the ball to the better players.

I'm concerned about all of this and what is happening to Jacob's self esteem.  He needs to find something that he thrives at and I truly believe that this "thing" will include an adult who takes him under his wing.

Thankfully Jacob has the "ok" to hopefully play football again next year.  I am really hoping that this means he will have a chance to be coached and supported by a coach who sees Jacob inner awesome. That said, football isn't until summer and I really think Jacob needs something/someone who can see that his energy, while crazy making, is also what makes him special.

He needs someone to knock hard on his outer shell, until Jacob lets them in and then helps Jacob shine.  He needs that person who sees the gold nugget that I see in Jacob.  He needs someone who can teach him that letting his guard down is safe and will lead to good things.

What do you see for each boys future?

What do you see for each boys future?

That is the question I was asked ....I realized that I have accepted reality for Matthew.  He will have a part time job at least.  He will live with peers and someone to oversee his finances, decision making and general whereabouts.  He will have some independence coupled with supervision and oversight to keep him safe.


For David I have also accepted his reality.  He will likely need a mentor or coach with him if he is to work independently even part time, so likely he will participate in a day program "without walls" that lets him be part of the community.  He will likely also live with peerBut will require a live in support person or he will live with me.  David is more at peace than Matthew is at being home, and I think he might enjoy living here long term.  I would certainly like that.

Unfortunately the question was asked about Jacob and I haven't accepted his reality yet.  Truly, I feel like my parenting dreams died with Jacob.  Up until 2nd grade we lived on the edge of typical.  There were friends, play dates, activities, birthday parties.  He was on the football team and fit in.  He was happy and while I had ruled out him. Beinga Rhodes scholar, I still saw college a job, wife and kids. I saw me as a grandma and him being able to keep a protective eye on his brothers as needed.

I don't know what happened.  I may never know what happened but Jacob stagnated.  His peers moved forwards and he froze in time and now I fear he is even losing ground.  There are so many basic concepts Jacob doesn't know; the order of the days of the week, early vs late, placement of his elbow vs his knee.....the list goes on and on.

Sadly, Jacob knows that he is different and he is mad about it.  He hates being different.  He hates that he doesn't know some things.  He hates going to a BOCES class and leaving his friends from the school he spent k-4th grade at.

Worse, I'm mad.  I'm lost.  I'm hurting.  And there is no one to talk to.  No one truly understands this anger and pain I feel.  Lightening feels like it struck 3 times.

The lightening was great,  I got the gift of the boys.  But the lightening brought darkness with their challenges.

They are kind hearted, gentle boys who can be equally filled with anger and rage.

I fear that I am the cause of their struggles.  I fear that my lack of patience did this.  That I created their struggles by not singing enough, reading enough, by being too focused on work.

What if I only had adopted Matthew and could have given him all of my energy?
What if I took maternity leave with each of them and spent 3 months doing nothing but bonding?
What signs did I miss with Jacob?  How does a preschool director not know that her son doesn't know where his elbow is!  That's like preschool 101!  What's wrong with me?

This whole year I am sending Jacob to school with the hope that if he us "good enough" and I advocate enough that he can come back to our district programmin, this  nightmare will end and my dreams for him can continue.  Instead, I'm realizing that this nightmare is likely to continue.  As his peers are moving forward he is standing still.  We are finding tools and techniques to guide him and he now can do basic addition, but still struggles with subtraction.  His peers are on long division!  We are past the point of catching up.  I'm not sure which if us us more upset.

As I get down on life I feel our ship sinking.  Because I am a single mom there are no life supports.  When the ship is sinking and I'm depressed over all that is on my plate there is no safety net,  in public I out on my smile and fake my way through, but the boys know the real me.  The me who is irrationally angry over yogurt all over the couch, 4 brownies a boy ate for breakfast and the same questions over and over and over again until my head may just explode!