Matthew goes to college

 In August 2022 Matthew began attending a program for kids with special needs on a local college campus.  It has been by far the very best experience for him.  That said, Matthew is and always will be Matthew, and therefore this program, since Matthew lives on campus, has allowed me some of the very best Matthew Bloom stories ever.

Matthew is often funny and has absolutely no idea how funny he is.  He can be indignant, and have a persistent insistence on the way that he thinks the world should be and when I try to tell him otherwise he becomes so frustrated.  This is the funniest when he is being indignant and insistent on things that he is 110% wrong about.

Without further ado....the funniest Matthewisms since he began the this awesome program.

September in the shower

Matt to me via text

Matt- Can you call me

Me- sure

Matt- answers the and immediately says, "you caught me in the shower"

Me- then why did you ask me to call you if you were showering?

Matt- i wanted to tell you about the dinner I made.  I made sausage and peppers for dinner and pasta.

Me- are you still in the shower?

Matt- yes, but I don't know why you called me when I am in the shower.

Me- matt, please don't answer the phone in the shower

Matt- but I made sausage

Me- hangs up phone.....because the vision of Matt in the shower talking about sausage is more than any mom needs to cope with

Matt wants Tinder-  again via text

Matt- I have a question can I get the tinder dating app?  my friend was showing me about it.  You can say no it's fine he was showing me the different things you can do with it to meet people.

Me- immediately calling Matt- hi, no you cannot get tinder.  Do you know what tinder is?  It's a meet up app.

Matt- no it's not, you can do lot's of things with it.

Me- Matt it's an app for  people to meet each other and hook up.  Then realizing he likely has no concept of "hook up" I proceed to define that for him all while dying a little inside.

Matt- you are wrong.  It is not for just hooking up.  And in our program you can get the app and then you take a cum and call test

( a little aside here- in this program you take a lot of tests to show that you have different skills, so the fact that there is a test associated with app usage is surprising to me.  However, the fact that it is called a "cum and call test" has me again dying inside.

Me- Matt, what are you talking about?  What kind of test?  You can't have this app.  There are lots of ways to meet people.

Matt- "its a cum and call test.  Maybe I'm saying it wrong,  I can't remember, but they said cum and call and then you can date people.  They said you take the test and you know in 6 months if you passed or not.

Me- inside my own head because I can't.......you don't know in 6 months if you passed!!!!  You know in 9 months if you FAILED!

In my out loud voice- Matt, at this point I need to say no.  We can talk about it, but there are lots of great ways to meet people and Tinder is not the best option.

A week later we have a meeting with staff from the program and I address the Tinder question.  Upon asking what in the world a Cum and Call test is, the staff explain to me that all kids take a CONSENSUAL test to see if they can have friends over with the door closed.

Ok.....so "cum and call" = consensual.........gotta love Mattisms

October

Matt is loving his new found freedom and like all good young adults he spends an inordinate amount of time at the mall.  Armed with a gift card he went to Aeropostale to shop and found he didn't have enough money on the card for anything except underwear.  he convinced himself that the 10 pairs of underwear he had were not enough and that 1 more pair would absolutely be the difference in his life and promptly picks an awesome pair.

Upon going to the checkout the cashier tells him that it is Buy 1, Get 1 free for the underwear.  Apparently he explained to her that he only needs 1 pair.  She tells him that that's ok, but he may as well take the free one too.  He insists that he only needs 1 and that 1 is good.

He then calls me to tell me how he "saved money" and didn't Buy 1, Get 1 free.  Realizing I won't win any argument about this silliness of this I simply nod and smile and text some friends the newest Matthewism.

Fire Drills

In this program fire drills are a big deal. All of the kids are learning to cook for themselves and so the fire alarm can go off at times pretty frequently.  Matthew was putting on pajamas one night just as the fire alarm went off.  Afraid of not making it out in time, Matthew immediately ran out the door.......without his pants on........just in underwear......

And then he went on to explain to me that you HAVE to get out quickly, you don't stop for ANYTHING......like I'm the idiot.  there is always time to put on pants, or grab a towel or SOMETHING before running outside in your drawers!

One day, the goal was to write a book.  I don't knot that is a reality given life, but if nothing else this blog is a great way to keep documenting the life of the Bloom boys.  Matthew is a one of kind, lives life to the fullest kind of guy and I'm just along for the ride, laughing and groaning all the way.

Happy Father's Day Papa.....Papa style

On September 11, 2020 my father passed away of a heart attack very suddenly.  For my boys, who process life slower and differently, his sudden passing has taken a while to process.  They knew of course that he was gone, but processing the emotional reality has taken it's own path for each of them 

This year as Father's Day approached David was clear that he wanted to send a card to my dad.    My mom and Jacob shared that this isn't good for the environment but he was not to be swayed.

Jacob was insistent that we needed to eat hot wings for Papa on Father's day as my dad liked any and all foods as hot as humanly possible.  One of our favorite Father's day memories was at Buffalo Wild Wings when my dad was eating Carolina Pepper wings and Jacob took a lick and ran around the restaurant as his mouth was on fire.

So, at around 3:00 today David and I set off to find the perfect card for Papa and the perfect balloons.  Our first stop was at the Dollar Store to get balloons.  We looked for a card but none seemed "just right" so we took our 2 balloons, put them in the car and headed to Hannaford to grocery shop and look for a card there.  While no card was found we purchased our groceries and headed out  In order to help David put the groceries away I opened the trunk of the car and watched as both balloons slowly floated up to the sky......without a card attached.

Watching David's face fall, I reassured him that we could go back to the Dollar Store and get another 2 balloons and reminded him that we were going to CVS to get a card.  As we got to Dollar Tree I handed David the money, reassured him that he knew what he was buying and for the first time ever I sent him in alone to make a purchase.  I have no idea what happened in the store and if the lady supported David or if he used his words to make the purchase but he walked out with 1 new balloon and we headed to CVS to find a card.

At CVS David looked and looked at every card  He spent what seemed like forever until finally he picked out a huge card that spoke exactly about who my dad was as a papa.  It was one of those cards that folds out into about 4 pages and was really heavy.....at the time I gave this no thought, afterall we were putting the card up into the sky with HELIUM BALLOONS........in the future, weight of the card will MATTER.

At around 5:30 armed with a card and a balloon we headed to pick up my mom.  We drove to Clifton Park to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings in honor of Papa and made attempt number 1 to let the card fly off to Papa.......and the card fell to the ground.........

With a promise to buy more balloons we headed in to eat dinner.  If you haven't been to Buffalo Wild Wings it is a unique restaurant.  Essentially what we found out tonight is that all food is guaranteed to come out hot......no matter what order you want it delivered in.

Our plan was to eat a few wings in honor of Papa and then people would eat their meals.  However, Jacob's fries came out first.....hot.........then my mom's tacos.....hot........then my buffalo cauliflower......but still no chicken wings.  Then a little later David's buffalo mac and cheese came out, and finally Matt's cheeseburger......but still no chicken wings.

As we all finished our meals, and were totally full the chicken wings were delivered to the tables to 5 people who were totally full.    As we asked why the appetizer would come out last we were told that the Buffalo Wild Wings policy is that all food comes out hot once it is ready.  With a good chuckle, and a take home container full of chicken wings, we moved on to find balloons.

Thankfully at 7:50 at night we found a Dollar Tree that was open and we purchased 2 more balloons.  The thought was that of course 3 balloons would lift this card to heaven from David to his papa.   With a plan to let the balloons go at the airport we drove towards Latham.  We pulled into the airplane watching spot, a favorite spot of David's, and tied the 3 balloons to the card, and let go.......and they dropped to the ground.  The wind blew the balloons along the ground and my hope was that we could convince David that they would somehow get to Papa, but this was not his vision and it was not to be.

We once again put the balloons in the car, and drove off in search of more helium balloons.  The need for these balloons was getting more desperate as David was becoming more sad.  He had a clear vision for Father's Day and he needed this card to get to his Papa.  We offered a smaller card.....no dice......we offered to send only part of the card so it was lighter and would fly......no dice.......we headed off for more balloons.

As we pulled into Price Chopper I knew it was here or we would have to explain to David that this was simply not meant to be.  He was struggling to understand why we couldn't make this happen......he was confused and kept saying we needed to get bricks or tires or other heavy things to make the card go up.  We kept trying to get him to understand that he needed helium, but he was getting sad.  He kept saying to get heavy things, and was looking up places to get balloons.

As we walked into Price Chopper there were so many balloons and I was hoping to find a kind staff person who would either help us get balloons or sell us some of the balloons that were already blown up.  The first 2 staff members I approached were clear that the floral shop was closed until 8:00 AM.  With David by my side I worked up the nerve to ask a 3rd very, very kind staff member, a young woman, who was determined to help us.  Kindly she opened the helium cabinet and blew up 4 balloons.  Each one she checked with David to see what color string he wanted and he answered her.  It was clear that she knew we were on a mission and she was determined to help us get this card to Papa.

Once the 4 balloons were blown up I sent Jacob and David to the car to tie the balloons to the card and I went to pay.  Within moments Jacob reappeared.  I was certain he was joking as he shared that the 4 balloons blew away while he was tying them to the card.....however Jacob's face was clear that he was not joking and we needed more balloons.  Thankfully the clerk at this time was all in to making this dream come true and she quickly started blowing up more balloons.  

Two more red balloons later and we were back at the car, ow with 5 balloons tied to the card we were ready to make this card fly to papa......and yet the card was STILL not ready to fly  Again, David looks so sad, and yet at this point I am done......I am about $20 into this task by the time you add in the balloons and the card and there was no telling how many more balloons were needed to make this balloon fly.

Finally, I channeled my inner Papa and decided that we needed to simply do some slight of hand.  Under the cover of darkness, I tore the card off the balloons, hung the balloons out the car window, drove through the parking lot, and let the balloons go.  Ever so quietly I passed the card to my mom to hide in her purse and to never speak of again.  Whether David was simply done with our craziness or if he truly believed that the card went up with the balloons, Ill never know, but it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that our night ended with happiness, another year celebrating Papa together, and another year of all of us proving that we CAN go on without Papa.  The world isn't quite as full, and definitely not as perfect, but on the days that we need him to  he comes through by making us laugh at the insanity that is our lives as we hunt for balloons to answer the question how many balloons fly a card to heaven.