Monday, May 21, 2018

Time out rooms and restraint

If anyone had told me that I would be dealing with all 3 of my children being placed in time out rooms at school and restrained by their teachers I would have told you that you were crazy.  Who even knew that places like time out rooms existed in our public schools?  Who knew that teachers were participating in a training to learn about restraining young children?  Who could have predicted that my boys would be in situations where this was the outcome for them?

How am I to sit silently while this is happening?  Do you know that there are children involved in these situations in your public school?  Do you agree with it?  Would it be ok for your child? 

I understand that when my child is seen as a threat that the teachers need to have a response to ensure that everyone is safe.  I truly do understand that.  What I don't understand is why are there not responses that are taken sooner to ensure that things don't escalate to the point where young children with disabilities are being restrained by adults?  Where children with disabilities are being closed in official "time out room " spaces that are equipped with padded walls.

What I really don't understand is why as their mother I don't have the right to say don't do this to my child again.  Don't close them in rooms.  Don't hold them down with multiple adults.  It doesn't work.  It creates rage on their part.  It makes them fight you harder because they are scared.  It triggers a fight or flight response.  They become irrational as they fight you to get off of them.

I want this stopped.  It scares me.  I don't want to think of my child scared at school.  I don't want to think of my child needing me and me not being to help them.  I don't want my child restrained or placed in a room where they are alone and look like criminals.

If you look at the research Black children are restrained, placed in time out rooms and suspended more frequently than white students.  Based on my experience and the experience of my boys, this appears to be true.  That is hard to read.....and easy for me to write when we look at the hard facts.  Unfortunately Black children are seen as more threatening often and so the adults feel a need to ensure that they have control of the situation and as such they use the time out space or restraint to ensure that all are safe.

If you know my children, you know that my boys are all amazing.  If you know my family you know we have had and continue to have our struggles.  I am honest about that.  However, you also know that I have parented them always as a single mom.  I can tell you that I have never sent my boys to their rooms as a consequence for behavior struggles.  Why?  Because being separated from our family creates a challenge for all 3 of my boys and it doesn't change behavior for the better.

Now, we can certainly pick this apart- is it because they are adopted and fear separation?  Is it because they worry about being alone?  Is it because they have each spent time in the time out room at school and they are scarred from these experiences?  I don't know and it really doesn't matter.  All 3 of their educational teams have been told that being in a time out space scares them and does not improve their behavior.  All of my child care providers know this as well, so instead we use other options.  We often take a break together, or they take a break outside- bouncing a basketball, going for a bike ride or finding some other way to get their energy out.

Given that their educational teams are aware that being placed in a time out room or in some other space alone doesn't work for my boys, why is this the response of the educational team?  All of my boys can be talked through their challenges but it takes time.  It is not easy and when as the adult I am struggling it can be really hard.

However, the perk at school, that is different than home, is that each of my boys are in classes with multiple adults.  When I teach educators the tricks of working with children, one of the most important tricks is to "tap out when you are frustrated".  The adults working with my boys need to tap out.  They need to tap out BEFORE things get out of hand.  They need to tap out and ask for help so that things don't get too big!!  They need to tap out so that they do not feel a need to have my boys spend time in a time out room with the door closed or holding my boys in a restraint.

Once my boys are over the top angry they are at a point where they cannot hear.  I have seen them at this point and it can be scary.  However, upon looking back at the situations where I have seen my boys like this, it happens because as the parent I didn't read their responses correctly. 

For David, it is a cry for help.  We see these behaviors before he has a seizure.  These behaviors are his cry for help. It can happen  minutes before a seizure or hours before a seizure, but it has happened since he was in preschool.  He would tear about the classroom and then he would have a seizure.  If an adult was with him as we saw this behavior we could often stop the destruction once he knew he was safe.  However, if we misread his cue and used discipline rather than offering him comfort things would get worse.  He has few words and cant describe what he is feeling so it is up to the adult to offer him comfort and to stay nearby until the seizure happens.  Once it occurs he quickly picks up the room and is back to David and rests for a time.   His Doctor calls this a "davidism" as it is uncommon behavior for before a seizure, but when things happen over and over and over again at some point we have to accept that David is trying to tell us something and we have to help him rather than place him in a time out space.  He has torn the drop ceiling from the time out room this year because he was scared.  At some point we have to accept that what is happening to him at school isnt working and we have to try another method.  David needs an adult nearby, not to be alone.  Imagine knowing a seizure is coming and trying to communicate that and being placed alone in a space?  Imagine being David's mom and knowing that one day while you are at work this is happening to your child? 

 For Matthew and Jacob, it is almost the same.  While they don't have seizures their brains are unable to continue processing information and so when they are angry they need an adult to calm the situation.  They need an adult to step back, and give them space.  Matthew does well if he is allowed to sleep.  Jacob does best if he is allowed time to snuggle or to do some sort of physical exercise.  Neither do well when they are placed in a time out space.  Both truly explode when they are held down.

Matthew thankfully has grown out of this stage and has become truly an incredible young man.  Given the growth in Matthew I know that Jacob will follow and he will thrive, but how many times will school traumatize him before he grows?  What will be the long term implications of him being held down at school?  Placed in a time out room?

What would it feel like to you as a child to be held down by adults?  To be placed in a time out room?  What would it feel like to you as the mom?

We have had experiences in  5 schools with time out rooms.  Experiences in 3 schools with one of my boys being restrained.  This is happening at your child's school.  It is happening to their friend, to their acquaintance, to their peer. 

According to State Education use of restraint and the time out space is to be the "last resort".  I can tell you that our schools are getting to the usage of "last resort" more frequently than you know.  Considerably more frequently for non-caucasian students.  I can tell you that I am scared. 

Sending your child to school should not come with fear, but today it does. 

This was a hard blog to write, but my guess is that you didn't know how frequently restraint and time out spaces are being used in your school.  And the only way to advocate for change is to share our story.  Please do not judge my boys.  They are truly no different than your children.  Sure, they get mad.  Don't your kids?  For the most part they are awesome, sweet, very kind hearted boys.  They get angry, and need help, but as an educator, I know all kids get mad sometimes. It is how we as the adults help when kids are mad, and to me this is what needs to change.  We need to support all children so that they learn to manage their mad without fear of being placed in a time out space or being restrained.


Teaching unpredictable kids

Jacob and Matthew have both been diagnosed at this time with drug/alcohol usage from their birth parents while they were in utero.  What this does it is essentially creates "swiss cheese brain".  In many situations life clicks and the boys do great.  They can understand all that is being said, respond to it appropriately and things are great.  However there are other times when life just doesn't go as planned and they are confused and it is up to the adults in the situation to monitor and make changes so that life remains calm and the situation is once again under control.

Yesterday was a perfect example of Jacob dealing with "swiss cheese brain".  Jacob and a friend were hanging out and they had a truly awesome time.  Between games of basketball, some time on the xbox and just being 11 year old boys all was fabulous.  However, Jacob and I had been to the grocery store earlier in the day and Jacob had decided he wanted pizza and chicken wings for dinner.  We bought these items and since my plan was to be home most of the day, this seemed to be an easy plan for dinner.

However, life happened and at 6:00 the boys and I were happily at the park playing basketball with Jacob's friend.  He was happy and all was going great until it was time to leave.  Jacob then became frustrated..  Leaving his friend was tough however, once we got into the car he was also clear that he was angry because now it was 6:30, we had to go pick up Matt from a friends house and it was getting to be too late for me to cook chicken wings.  To Jacob, THIS was the part of the day which became unmanageable to cope with.  I had promised chicken wings, we had bought chicken wings and we were having chicken wings for dinner, in his mind, no matter what!

This is when it became important for me to figure things out as the mom.  I now had a few choices:

  1. Go head to head with jacob and tell him that chicken wings were not even close to an option
  2. try to figure out a way to make chicken wings
  3. talk Jacob through our choices and allow him to help me make a decision.

Yesterday I had time, patience and energy on my side and I decided that I would go with option 3.  Jacob and I talked and I told him that after we picked up Matthew I would go home, see how long it would take to make the chicken wings, but while they were cooking he had to shower and get ready for bed as we would be eating later than usual and I would need him ready for bed so we could transition quickly after we ate.

Yesterday this plan worked.  We talked about all of the fun he had with his friend all day and that if I had been home cooking chicken wings he would have missed out on the fun.

Yesterday his swiss cheese brain allowed for Jacob to hear me and respond and together we worked out a reasonable solution.

Yesterday the day ended perfectly.  Yesterday we won the swiss cheese brain battle!