Teach a man to fish

My boys are growing up and with that it is time for me to make sure that they are ready for the next steps in their lives.  I don't see Matthew or David being able to hold down a full time job and being able to be completely independent.  For Matthew, the mental stamina to work more than 3-4 hours a day seems to be his maximum.  For David, the right job, where he can organize and do the things he loves will be key to him functioning at a job, but even the right opportunity will likely mean that the stress of communication will limit him to a few hours per day.

My boys love to be busy and each have a passion it seems for lawn care and lawn mowing.  I have taken advantage of this passion and helped them, along with the support of their respite staff, to line up a variety of lawn care jobs.  On Sunday David mowed 2 lawns and Matthew mowed one lawn.  Together they earned over $70, but more importantly they had a sense of success, accomplishment and pride in the work that they did.  It was hot, and it would have been easier to be home relaxing, and doing their own thing, and yet both went off to their respective lawns with a sense of pride and excitement.

David loves having money in his pocket because he is saving towards purchasing his own lego sets.  He has pride when he buys the sets himself and loves to say, "look at my money", "I mow more, I need more money".  He looks in his wallet frequently and is so proud that it has money he earned himself.

Matthew is just at the point where he is consistently hanging out with 2 friends and like all good teenagers, they love to go out to eat.  Being able to have his own money means that Matthew can go out when he wants to and has cash to spend.  He would be more limited if I had to provide him with the money to do these things.

As I watched David mowing yesterday I kept having the same quote going through my head, "give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he is set for life."  I felt such pride as I watched him not only mow but mow with care and true attention to detail.  He is a hard, hard worker.  It was hot outside and it would have been easy to say, "one lawn is enough", but when he got a call for a second lawn the same day, he quickly jumped at the opportunity.

He mowed around obstacles, he mowed around trees, he knew where he had to go back to go over a spot he missed.  He was so rhythmic and methodical in his efforts.  He took care and pride in his work.  I knew that he loved caring for our lawn, but this was the first time I had taken him on a job to care for someone else's lawn. 

It was the first time that I was able to see that I have 2 boys, both teenagers, diagnosed with limited cognitive abilities, and who require a high level of support in school who are both able to have jobs that provide themselves with pocket money for now, but that as i look into the future there is a true opportunity for them to have a business.  This can easily turn into a job that with someone to oversee and help with scheduling, and managing the financial aspect of the business, that they could have a level of independence and a way to be functional, productive members of society. 

For a child to have a level of success, is beyond important.  My boys are not defined by their limitations, they are defined by their successes in life.  As they have gotten older this is becoming more and more true.

Bloom boys lawn business!  So great to have a last name that lends itself to advertising easily and describing a passion and interest my boys show such strength in.  Even if this does not continue to be something that they love, what I know for a fact is that my boys can be "taught to fish" and will be able to provide for themselves on some level in the future and THAT is the best descriptor of success I can imagine.

California

It was time for us to start doing the impossible.....my niece is dying and we were ready to go visit.....well ready if you count that the plane tickets were purchased.  That was all I could manage to do .  I couldn't book a hotel.  I couldn't pack.  I couldn't make plans.  All of those things meant the trip was real and if the trip was real, then I would need to prepare myself to say goodbye to my niece and to see my brother in the lowest point of his life.  To prepare for that is impossible.  To imagine that is impossible, so in my mind if I never packed or booked a hotel then we couldn't really go and I could stop all of this from happening.

Thankfully Friday morning I called my parents and was able to choke out the words "I need help.  I can't pack all 3 boys, I cant book a hotel.  I can't do this alone."  We made a plan to pack the 3 boys together on Saturday morning, and to get through this all together.  I walked into work, feeling ready, and I think in reality I had just needed to fall apart so that I could be strong enough to move forward.

Saturday morning we got up and one at a time I was able to work with the boys to get everyone packed.  When my dad arrived he handed me a piece of paper with our hotel reservation.  Slowly I was mentally preparing for our trip and moving forward.

On Tuesday, as we landed in California, it was a true relief to see my brother.  He was able to show us how they were coping- for them it was life as normal.  One child has a soccer game, one child has track practice, and they were living each day to the fullest.  This set the tone for us as we headed to their house.  Seeing Samantha was amazing.  She looked good.  If you watched closely you could see signs of her struggling, but for the most part she was laughing, and happy and excited to be with everyone.

I knew that for our visit we would need a plan that included a daily outing.  I knew that my boys needed time out in CA, and I was aware that Samantha needed time of quiet.  I loved seeing that Nathan and Jacob were bonding and I was hopeful that Nathan would join us on some of our outings.

When Matthew was a baby we went to the JellyBelly factory, so armed with a mission to bring back popcorn jelly beans for Samantha, the boys and I plus Nathan headed out!

A little bit lost, plus a flat tire later, (yes our crazy luck followed us to CA!  Of course with a car of 4 boys I got a flat tire.  Of course the person who came out to help us admitted to being high.  Of  course a police officer stopped to help while the person who was helping us was high.  Of course I had to add stress to my brothers life by getting his car a flat tire and of course the trip to the Jellybelly factory that should take less than 30 minutes took us a little over 45!) we arrived at the Jelly Belly factory!!!

As we walked in to the factory Jacob quickly ran to find anything Jellybelly that had Mickey Mouse on it.  Nathan ran to find anything Harry Potter for Samantha and Matthew, David and I stood in line for the tour.  There is something magical about 2 boys who are in a true candy shop and they each immediately run off to find something for their siblings.  With a promise that we would buy these items after the tour we headed off to learn about how JellyBelly jelly beans are made.

Halfway through the tour, which was incredible, Jacob came over sweating and truly looking horrible.  As I frantically looked for a garbage can he tried his best not to throw up.  As this was a self guided tour there was no one who could help us and the entire time David was super excited about all that he was seeing.  David was not sensing the urgency of Jacob's need for a garbage can, and I was having little to no luck finding one and was only hoping that Jacob had a few more seconds while I searched!

After a few seconds of illness we continued on our tour and finished with purchases at the gift shop!  The boys didn't eat many jelly beans on our tour and Matthew was starving so I decided I would continue in the role of "fun Aunt!"  We saw a sign for Fenton's ice cream on our drive home and knowing that my parents had said we HAD to stop here we drove right in.  Nathan quickly insisted we had to try the banana split.  Jacob quickly insisted that if ice cream was anywhere near a banana it was NOT possibly the best thing on the menu, and all Matthew cared about was that he have something to eat, not ice cream!

With the power to "Create A Sundae", Jacob created this monstrosity which included a brownie, hot fudge and cookie crumbles, which Jacob and Matthew shared, Nathan and I indulged ourselves with a banana split and David tackled a Strawberry ice cream soda.  I can easily say this was by far the BEST ice cream I have ever tasted and that as we sat around the table Nathan and the boys were able to share some of their thoughts and fears about Samantha being so sick.  With kids this age these conversations come and go quickly.  Around ice cream sundaes we discussed whether G-d was possibly real and if G-d was real why would this happen to Samantha and our family.  We talked about what happens when someone is dying and we shared our fears.  I was able to share that I have seen 5 families who have lost children to various illnesses and that while life is never the same that they have all continued living.  Somehow after the saddest possible time of your life you find a reason to smile again.  Somehow you continue because you know your sibling or child would want you to continue.  

As kids always do, as this conversation became too hard we moved on to laughing about silliness, and then we wrapped up our ice cream and headed back to see Andy, Teri and Samantha.  Apparently Nathan has a sensitivity to milk which I was unaware of and so Fenton's ice cream may not have been the "best" choice, but I will always believe that the ice cream just set the stage for conversations that were necessary in a safe place.  Plus, I needed memories made on this trip and my boys know me well enough to know that we typically don't go to candy factories AND out for ice cream on the same day!

As we returned to Andy's house, we ran in to give the  popcorn jelly beans and chocolate Harry Potter wand to Samantha.  Of course, as younger brothers and evil cousins often do, the boys had slipped a few of the Harry Potter disgusting jelly beans into the bag of popcorn jelly beans, so we warned Samantha to carefully inspect each jelly bean before eating it.  Samantha then spent a little time doing a Disney puzzle with David and the boys enjoyed some video game time, and then we headed back to the hotel for the night.  

My hope was that each of our days in CA would be filled with some smiles as we prepared for our goodbye and I was able to accomplish my mission today.  Additionally, I was able to have some hard conversations and to let Nathan know that he could reach out at any time.  I was able to set the stage for him that I knew this was hard and that I know other families who have survived this horrendous worst part of life.  We were also able to lay plans for other fun days as we visited so that we could look forward to more memories being made together.

Each night as we returned to the hotel I felt like I had left a piece of my heart at Andy's house.  I will never be sure if our visit was "done right".  It is beyond strange and impossible to go say goodbye to someone who is 16 years old.  We laughed a lot on our trip, had a few serious chats, and shared some time together just hanging out.  For me, my time with Samantha was of such value.  It was a week spent making memories of a lifetime.  For my boys it was simply time being with family and creating memories.  

It will never be enough because you can't live a lifetime in a week, but it was the best we could do under impossible situations, and for that reason, it was ok.

Back to District after 6 years out

Last night I got to share the best news ever with Matthew......he is returning to Bethlehem High School next year as a Super Senior.  Since 6th grade when Matthew moved to BOCES for school Matthew has dreamed of going back to Bethlehem.  For him, being a Bethlehem Eagle with all of his friends was so important, but unfortunately in 6th grade, when he was struggling so much behaviorally, he had to move to an out of district class because our district does not have a class that is appropriate for children with behavioral needs and lower level IQ.

Our local BOCES program has been truly incredible especially over the past 3 years for Matthew. He has had a teacher who truly understood Matthew.  Her standard for behavior was always high and she insisted that he be his very best at all times.  She held him accountable when he struggled and knew how to make him work, learn and succeed.  The principal at his school was incredibly motivating.  he would meet the kids on the basketball court to encourage them to do their best and to remind them of the expectation of proper behavior.  He would meet with Matthew and always remind him of the amazing young man he was becoming.

Between his teacher and his principal, Matthew had a team that I could work with to ensure that he was going to become the best person possible.  Slowly the changes started to occur.  As we worked together, Matthew realized that he was responsible for making good choices, and gained the skills necessary to control his behavior. He was able to access support when he was frustrated but also realized that his tantrums would simply not be tolerated at home or at school.

As time has gone on Matthew has consistently asked for the opportunity to return to our local school district.  I have wanted him to return because I have always been sad that he hasn't had access to the non academic parts of school- band, drama, and other clubs.  However, I knew he wasn't ready and he needed to be in a program that allowed for his emotional and academics needs.

This year his teacher and I thought it might be time for Matthew to prepare to return.  He started to attend an afternoon program which allowed us to see that Matthew was ready in most aspects, but that his future teachers would need to be aware of the importance of having high expectations for Matthew.  While he was thriving in his morning program, the freedom of the afternoon program created some struggles for Matthew.  However, with some teaming between the AM and PM teacher, we were able to help Matthew to reach his full potential in his PM program as well.

This week, after talking to the Bethlehem teacher, and the CSE chair person, it appears that Matthew is ready to return to a Bethlehem Central School District class next year.  Behaviorally he is in a great place.  Educationally, he is still struggling, but that will be something Matthew always struggles with.

As his mom, I am so proud of Matthew.  He truly has worked with his eyes on the prize for the past 6 years and has earned himself this opportunity.  That said, this is also the year that his same age peers are graduating from high school.  They are posting pictures with their swag gear announcing the colleges they are attending.  So many of them are off to the next steps in their lives.  Ready to spread their wings and fly, they are off to College.  For Matthew, this return to our school District, is as big as being accepted to college.  He is truly over the moon, jumping up and down and so proud of himself.

He wants a Bethlehem sweatshirt- which he will absolutely get!  He wants a chance to be on every team and to participate in every club!  He will be in school for the next 3 years and then as he turns 21 he will graduate.  It seems very fitting that he is returning to Bethlehem and truly will be graduating from BOCES.  He has earned this major step in life.  It may not be college, but it is a huge step for Matthew and one that he and I are over the moon proud of!