I am not writing this because I want your sympathy or because I need you to worry about us, but rather I am writing it because I simply can't talk about it all right now. When I can't talk, I can write, and when I can write I can share what is going on inside my family without feeling judged as much as when I have to explain it to you to get you to understand.
It has been over a year since Matthew has been in a hospital and it is my hope right now that we can keep moving forward. It has been just under a year since Matthew was in Healy house, a place that allows all of us a 3 week respite, and today I made the call to get him on the waiting list to go back. Tonight however I realized that my son is struggling more than I had thought. Tonight I realized that like everything in life there is a cycle to Matthew's ups and downs and we are heading down rather quickly.
It started a few weeks ago, he would get more upset than usual about little things. He was food hording and obsessing and I thought it was just a phase. I assumed it would pass. Then he and I started arguing more....I would say black and he would say white. I would say up and he would say down. Then on Thursday he got angry and got a little bit physical with me. Nothing major, he just threw a toy. Then we had a fabulous weekend. I thought for sure things were looking up. We had a wonderful time with my extended family and I thought the cycle had ended.
On Monday we were home for Veteran's day and things were going so well that I kept Matthew home for the day rather than sending him to the YMCA for a child care program. Then at around 1:30 things started to plummet. I went to the car to tke the boys on a playdate and I told him it was time to come. He was in the house for a few more minutes and said he was looking for his Ipod. Turned out he came out to the car with his pockets full of food. I hadn't locked the lock box because we were leaving.
I told him that he had made a bad choice and he started to kick and hit. I told him he would sit at the playground and he screamed. He got out of the car at the playground but then when I was firm and told him to go back, he went back. I still thought maybe we would be ok. After the playdate where things went pretty well, we went to the grocery store. Jacob and David wanted a cookie at the grocery store. I had the internal mom fight- it wasn't fair that they couldnt have a cookie, but Matthew had been told he couldnt have one as part of the consequence of putting all of the junk food in his pockets. I knew giving them a cookie would cause a tantrum, but was it fair to deny the other 2 a cookie? It was the grocery store routine. I got them both a cookie and Matthew said he understood, and then out of nowhere his anger took over and he kicked and screamed. The panic that takes over the other 2 in these moments is so intense. It is not normal to block your child with a grocery cart so he doesn't hurt your other children. But for a child with FAS, anger is anger and when he is angry Matthew sees no consequences to his actions. As quickly as the anger came on, the anger subsided and matthew cried and apologized and it was over.
Today things had gone well in the morning. I thought we were doing well. I went to pick up Matthew and Jacob from the YMCA after school and there had been an announcement that there was to be a pizza party on Wednesday at the Y. Matthew doesn't go to the YMCA on Wednesday, Matthew goes to Hebrew school. As soon as I walked in, I could see he was stewing. I knew he was upset, and it only took a moment to find out why. He wanted pizza on Wednesday, he didnt care about hebrew school. He didnt care about anything. He wanted pizza and that was all he could see.
I was firm, I was calm, I was patient. He had hebrew school, he would have pizza another time. No, I would not change my mind. No, he could not stay home from hebrew school for pizza. We walked to the car and he hit me. We walked to the car and he kicked my leg and screamed curse words that you would usually hear from a sailor. We walked to the car and I held Jacob's hand and reassured him.
Finally, after what seemed like forever he got in the car, and after a few moments he cried and cried. The tears of a person with a mental illness. The tears of a person who cannot control themselves. The tears that break a moms heart. The tears that tell me he needs help. The psychiatrist is away until Monday. We have an appointment on Wednesday, but will it be soon enough? Will the darkness go away as fast as it has come? He missed last Thanksgiving with us. Will he be safe enough to be with us this year? Where is there help? I hate to go down this dark road again. I hate to see him struggle with is demons.
We will be ok, I know that. I know that mental illness is like any other disease and I will get Matthew the help he needs. I will keep life consistent for David and Jacob and myself because we deserve that. I will get Matthew help and stay calm and be patient because that will help him. I am hoping that we can make it to the appointment with the psychiatrist on Wednesday, that she will make a medication change and he will feel better. I hate to see him shake with tears, and to know that he hates exploding with rage but at the same time he cannot seem to stop himself.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
The roller coaster of our life
We have had a pretty smooth start to the school year. All of the boys are doing relatively well. Matthew started in a new school and Jacob has started Kindergarten, so given the major life changes going on, I am happy to say that the past few months have been relatively calm.
Unfortunately, when life is calm I forget all that can go into running our lives when the roller coaster of our lives gathers steam. I don't know exactly what is going on with Matthew but the last 3 days have been intense. He is so hyper focused on food right now, it is all he is thinking about, it is keeping him up at night, and overtaking his entire days. His obsession over food will always be more powerful than my ability to think one step ahead of him and prevent him from wreaking havoc in the house.
As he is getting older he is getting just that much more clever. He knows the complete and total inventory of every food item in our house and it seems like he waits with baited breath for me to walk away or leave something out or open. Twice this weekend he has asked for a drink which I have of course allowed, only to find him elbow deep in a container of chocolate or shoving candy in his mouth that I had mistakenly left out.
We made pumpkin bread and he told me that he was going to leave it alone. He wanted some for school the next day so he would leave it, and no sooner did he say this then I left the kitchen and he devoured and destroyed all that was left.
I try to keep as much of the food like cereal, bread, bagels etc... locked up so that he has limited access to snack type foods. I never thought we would live like this, but if locking food up ends the fights, it makes sense to lock it up. However, he checks the locks hundreds of times a day. If I unlock it to get the bread to make lunch, this weekend he has snuck behind me to find something in the lock box. It is exhausting. It has been a while since we have lived like this. I had actually been debating starting to leave the lock box unlocked because things had gotten so much better, so to go back to life like this is emotionally and physically exhausting. I have to be one step ahead, but it is one step ahead of someone's mental illness and obsessions.....that is hard to be.
In addition, he is talking about food non stop. He is talking about food so much that I am constantly feeling full. Not because I have eaten, but simply because if you talk about food enough, I am realizing that one becomes consistently not hungry.
I hate seeing my son like this. I hate seeing him struggle and I hate being so overwhelmed by his struggles.
There are no books that tell me how to wind my way through all of this and to find a path that will guide us all through this successfully. I constantly think how crazy it is to lock up food, but then again how crazy it is to not lock it up and to instead have constant turmoil. I have thought and debated about what would happen if we simply had no food that Matthew would crave, but if it isnt one thing it's another. Sure, he has a pecking order, carbs are at the top, but if we had no carbs he would drink a gallon of milk. If there was no milk, he would eat dried fruit by the truckload. If there was no dried fruit, he would eat cheese sticks. Whatever there is, the obsession is deep.
Hopefully soon the weather will change and the obsession will stop, or he will again find peace. Hopefully this is a little tiny blip on the radar and we are not entering a dark place. We have done so well for so long, I am not ready for major struggles again.
Unfortunately, when life is calm I forget all that can go into running our lives when the roller coaster of our lives gathers steam. I don't know exactly what is going on with Matthew but the last 3 days have been intense. He is so hyper focused on food right now, it is all he is thinking about, it is keeping him up at night, and overtaking his entire days. His obsession over food will always be more powerful than my ability to think one step ahead of him and prevent him from wreaking havoc in the house.
As he is getting older he is getting just that much more clever. He knows the complete and total inventory of every food item in our house and it seems like he waits with baited breath for me to walk away or leave something out or open. Twice this weekend he has asked for a drink which I have of course allowed, only to find him elbow deep in a container of chocolate or shoving candy in his mouth that I had mistakenly left out.
We made pumpkin bread and he told me that he was going to leave it alone. He wanted some for school the next day so he would leave it, and no sooner did he say this then I left the kitchen and he devoured and destroyed all that was left.
I try to keep as much of the food like cereal, bread, bagels etc... locked up so that he has limited access to snack type foods. I never thought we would live like this, but if locking food up ends the fights, it makes sense to lock it up. However, he checks the locks hundreds of times a day. If I unlock it to get the bread to make lunch, this weekend he has snuck behind me to find something in the lock box. It is exhausting. It has been a while since we have lived like this. I had actually been debating starting to leave the lock box unlocked because things had gotten so much better, so to go back to life like this is emotionally and physically exhausting. I have to be one step ahead, but it is one step ahead of someone's mental illness and obsessions.....that is hard to be.
In addition, he is talking about food non stop. He is talking about food so much that I am constantly feeling full. Not because I have eaten, but simply because if you talk about food enough, I am realizing that one becomes consistently not hungry.
I hate seeing my son like this. I hate seeing him struggle and I hate being so overwhelmed by his struggles.
There are no books that tell me how to wind my way through all of this and to find a path that will guide us all through this successfully. I constantly think how crazy it is to lock up food, but then again how crazy it is to not lock it up and to instead have constant turmoil. I have thought and debated about what would happen if we simply had no food that Matthew would crave, but if it isnt one thing it's another. Sure, he has a pecking order, carbs are at the top, but if we had no carbs he would drink a gallon of milk. If there was no milk, he would eat dried fruit by the truckload. If there was no dried fruit, he would eat cheese sticks. Whatever there is, the obsession is deep.
Hopefully soon the weather will change and the obsession will stop, or he will again find peace. Hopefully this is a little tiny blip on the radar and we are not entering a dark place. We have done so well for so long, I am not ready for major struggles again.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Lucky
Lucky.....not a word I often think of when I think of our lives. But Lucky is the only word I have for this weekend. Lucky for so many reasons!
1. Jacob and I seem to have moved on from our adoption talks and he seems to be at peace. His adoption binder is back in the drawer and he no longer wants to sleep with it each night.
2. Jacob has asked that I make sure to keep his binder safe, but we had the opportunity to talk again about his adoption at midnight on Friday night when it was just him and I and we were snuggling together. This is the best way to talk about life's worries- maybe not the best time, but certainly while snuggling makes the talk considerably safer.
3. I had the chance to scrapbook with friends this weekend and I used that time to work on each of the boys adoption books. While going through Matthew's book I found pictures I had forgotten I had of Matthew's birth mom, and I found the letters she wrote to me. I had forgotten how beautiful her words were, and how much faith she had in me. I had forgotten the love she had when she placed him for adoption and gave me the gift of motherhood. Upon finding her letters I felt like I had been punched in the gut- had I let her down? Did I keep my part of the deal? Would she be proud of me as his mom? Adoption means that you are caring for the hopes and dreams of another parent. It is quite a responsibility, and finding her letters reminded me of my promises to her upon Matthew's adoption.
4. Jacob had a fabulous playdate with an old friend from preschool, and on Saturday David and I had the day together. As a single mom with 3 boys, time alone with one child is rare. To have time with David is an amazing gift. You get to hear what he is thinking and what he feels. It was among my best 3 hours in the past month. I always say that I have to find more time to give each of my boys alone time, and again I am recommitting to this promise.
5. Today Matthew had a playdate. He is 11 years old and hasn't had a playdate in 7 years. That is a long time for a child to go without an invitation to play with another child. Watching Matthew and his friend I felt like I had been given a parenting gift. It was awesome to watch Matthew negotiate the intricacies of socializing with a friend, and heart warming to watch his friend spend time with our family.
We went to the YMCA to swim and then went on a hike and the day passed with happiness and ease. My wish for years was for Matthew to have a friend! My wish has come true! It was all that I wanted and more to see him happy and playing with a peer!
6. I feel like we are part of a great community again. With my boys, and I think also in part due to who I am as a person, a feeling of belonging comes and goes for me. Today I was reminded that we are part of a wonderful community. I will never be a person with a huge number of friends, but I am a person who is blessed to have a community of supporters and people who want to see my family succeed! For that I am so lucky.
1. Jacob and I seem to have moved on from our adoption talks and he seems to be at peace. His adoption binder is back in the drawer and he no longer wants to sleep with it each night.
2. Jacob has asked that I make sure to keep his binder safe, but we had the opportunity to talk again about his adoption at midnight on Friday night when it was just him and I and we were snuggling together. This is the best way to talk about life's worries- maybe not the best time, but certainly while snuggling makes the talk considerably safer.
3. I had the chance to scrapbook with friends this weekend and I used that time to work on each of the boys adoption books. While going through Matthew's book I found pictures I had forgotten I had of Matthew's birth mom, and I found the letters she wrote to me. I had forgotten how beautiful her words were, and how much faith she had in me. I had forgotten the love she had when she placed him for adoption and gave me the gift of motherhood. Upon finding her letters I felt like I had been punched in the gut- had I let her down? Did I keep my part of the deal? Would she be proud of me as his mom? Adoption means that you are caring for the hopes and dreams of another parent. It is quite a responsibility, and finding her letters reminded me of my promises to her upon Matthew's adoption.
4. Jacob had a fabulous playdate with an old friend from preschool, and on Saturday David and I had the day together. As a single mom with 3 boys, time alone with one child is rare. To have time with David is an amazing gift. You get to hear what he is thinking and what he feels. It was among my best 3 hours in the past month. I always say that I have to find more time to give each of my boys alone time, and again I am recommitting to this promise.
5. Today Matthew had a playdate. He is 11 years old and hasn't had a playdate in 7 years. That is a long time for a child to go without an invitation to play with another child. Watching Matthew and his friend I felt like I had been given a parenting gift. It was awesome to watch Matthew negotiate the intricacies of socializing with a friend, and heart warming to watch his friend spend time with our family.
We went to the YMCA to swim and then went on a hike and the day passed with happiness and ease. My wish for years was for Matthew to have a friend! My wish has come true! It was all that I wanted and more to see him happy and playing with a peer!
6. I feel like we are part of a great community again. With my boys, and I think also in part due to who I am as a person, a feeling of belonging comes and goes for me. Today I was reminded that we are part of a wonderful community. I will never be a person with a huge number of friends, but I am a person who is blessed to have a community of supporters and people who want to see my family succeed! For that I am so lucky.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
the stuff they don't teach you in adoption class 101
I have always had books about people of different skin colors in our house. As the caucasian mom to 3 children of African American decent, I knew it was important to have skin color be an open topic. From the time Matthew could sit for a book, I remember reading him the book Brown Sugar Babies! The book has beautiful pictures of babies of all different shades of skin color. I thought that with books like this and an open forum, we would be smooth sailing through a lot of adoption issues that surrounded race.
Over the past year or so it became obvious that no matter how many books we read, skin color was going to play a role in our family dynamic. Jacob spoke frequently about not liking his brown skin. It doesn't help that he has bad eczema and so we are often talking about his skin and his sores. It is not a far cry to go from my skin hurts to "I wish I had different skin"! Each time the topic came up we would stop and look at all that makes his skin beautiful and how all 4 of us have different skin color and how beautiful each color is.
Monday night David picked out the book "The Color of Us" for us to read at bedtime. It is a great book about a child going for a walk through her neighborhood and noticing all of the different skin tones that make up the people of the neighborhood. There is a page with hands of all different colors and Jacob immediately started to try to find the picture of the hand that most closely matched his own. In turn Matthew, David and I also did the same.
As we were looking at our hands, Jacob asked me to tell him the story of his birthmother. I have always been open with the boys about their birth stories and so I went ahead and told him his story as I would usually do. Jacob was placed for adoption by a birthmom and was initially adopted by 2 women who live in Conneticut. After receiving Jacob's intitial newborn bloodwork back, there was concern that Jacob had sickle cell anemia. Jacob's adoptive parents did not feel prepared to care for a sick baby. They lovingly looked for a new adoptive family, and I was beyond ecstatic to welcome Jacob to ours! David, Matthew and I met with Jacob's first adoptive family at my Aunt and Uncle's house and in December 2006, during Hanukah, Jacob joined our family.
On Monday night, as Jacob asked more questions, I got out my bin of all of the adoption paperwork so that I could show him his adoption certificate. In the box was all of my paperwork, from the notes I made when I was first called about each of the boys, to the signed forms formalizing their adoption.
When I showed Jacob his adoption certificate, he begged me to let him sleep with them that night. I tried to show him that the adoption certificate is special and therfor not really something to be slept with, but he was persistent. He finally agreed to go to bed under the condition that I formally put his adoption information into his own book, and that I make him a copy of his adoption certificate that is for sleeping with.
I thought when he woke up in the morning and there was no further discussion of adoption that Jacob had moved forward. I patted myself on the back for a job well done, and moved on to the next family dilemna.
Tonight, as we were driving home from Temple, Jacob hit me between the eyes with some more powerful questions. Hard hitting questions. The kinds of questions that one can only ask in the dark as you are driving. As the parent you are thankful to have the road to focus on as you answer, and as the child you are thankful to be able to ask these questions without having to look at your mom eye to eye.
It started innocently enough with a statement, "my mom told me that if you are sick you should get some water then run around and then you will feel better." And then it tumbled into a long list of questions:
" when you adopt someone, it is supposed to be forever, why wasn't it forever"
"can I meet my birthmom?" "why do I have to wait until I am 18 to meet her?"
"why am I in this family?" "why didn't they want me forever?" "can I write to her?" "can I talk to her?"
I answered as best as I could. Taking the time to think, but not too much time that he would fear he had upset me. Pausing to be thoughtful, but answering with certainty so he knew I was being truthful.
Upon arriving home Jacob hurried to get on his pajamas and immediately met me with a piece of paper. He was ready to write and needed me to be his scribe. Before writing, I took out his adoption binder, hoping that by showing this to him he would feel secure, ( and maybe I could distract him from the letter he seemed intent on writing). We looked at his foot prints that were taken in the hospital. We read through the description of the page that talks about his birthmom- I said how she was tall, 5 feet 9 inches, and we laughed about the fact that she had allergies as he sniffled.
I paused for a few moments and then decided that I had to complete the story for him. I had to show him the 1 picture I have from his first adoptive family. I have no pictures for him of his birth mom, but I do have one picture of his brothers from his first adoptive family. He studied that picture silently, taking it in.
Then he slowly picked up his pencil and started to draw- one person, "is this tall enough? you said my mom was tall". Another person, "what was the boy in the pictures name? Can you write it?". Then ever so slowly, he drew himself. He asked me to label each person, one was Jacob, one was his first adoptive mom and the other was his first adoptive brother. He then had me write the following, "Dear , I love you, you are the best. I cannot wait to see you. I love you forever, and I want to see you soon. I have a joke for you I will tell you when I see you. I think you are funny, I will see you soon, with a joke. From Jacob"
He then tenderly took the paper, looked it over, and put it in the front of his adoption binder, "for when I am ready". He then grabbed the whole binder, put it under his arm, and turned it over. On the back was a banana sticker. He rubbed the sticker and asked me to take it off, saying "I know she loved bananas, even without the sticker".
We went upstairs and I tucked him in, reminding him to be careful of the binder.
I came back down, and reminded myself that the binder is his. It tells his story, it is the connection he has to his past, and together he and I will find our way through the story of Jacob. I am here to guide him and fill in whatever pieces I can. He is the leader as we walk down this path. My heart is in his hand, and he struggles through making sense of the adult concept of adoption, which often doesn't even make sense to adults.
Over the past year or so it became obvious that no matter how many books we read, skin color was going to play a role in our family dynamic. Jacob spoke frequently about not liking his brown skin. It doesn't help that he has bad eczema and so we are often talking about his skin and his sores. It is not a far cry to go from my skin hurts to "I wish I had different skin"! Each time the topic came up we would stop and look at all that makes his skin beautiful and how all 4 of us have different skin color and how beautiful each color is.
Monday night David picked out the book "The Color of Us" for us to read at bedtime. It is a great book about a child going for a walk through her neighborhood and noticing all of the different skin tones that make up the people of the neighborhood. There is a page with hands of all different colors and Jacob immediately started to try to find the picture of the hand that most closely matched his own. In turn Matthew, David and I also did the same.
As we were looking at our hands, Jacob asked me to tell him the story of his birthmother. I have always been open with the boys about their birth stories and so I went ahead and told him his story as I would usually do. Jacob was placed for adoption by a birthmom and was initially adopted by 2 women who live in Conneticut. After receiving Jacob's intitial newborn bloodwork back, there was concern that Jacob had sickle cell anemia. Jacob's adoptive parents did not feel prepared to care for a sick baby. They lovingly looked for a new adoptive family, and I was beyond ecstatic to welcome Jacob to ours! David, Matthew and I met with Jacob's first adoptive family at my Aunt and Uncle's house and in December 2006, during Hanukah, Jacob joined our family.
On Monday night, as Jacob asked more questions, I got out my bin of all of the adoption paperwork so that I could show him his adoption certificate. In the box was all of my paperwork, from the notes I made when I was first called about each of the boys, to the signed forms formalizing their adoption.
When I showed Jacob his adoption certificate, he begged me to let him sleep with them that night. I tried to show him that the adoption certificate is special and therfor not really something to be slept with, but he was persistent. He finally agreed to go to bed under the condition that I formally put his adoption information into his own book, and that I make him a copy of his adoption certificate that is for sleeping with.
I thought when he woke up in the morning and there was no further discussion of adoption that Jacob had moved forward. I patted myself on the back for a job well done, and moved on to the next family dilemna.
Tonight, as we were driving home from Temple, Jacob hit me between the eyes with some more powerful questions. Hard hitting questions. The kinds of questions that one can only ask in the dark as you are driving. As the parent you are thankful to have the road to focus on as you answer, and as the child you are thankful to be able to ask these questions without having to look at your mom eye to eye.
It started innocently enough with a statement, "my mom told me that if you are sick you should get some water then run around and then you will feel better." And then it tumbled into a long list of questions:
" when you adopt someone, it is supposed to be forever, why wasn't it forever"
"can I meet my birthmom?" "why do I have to wait until I am 18 to meet her?"
"why am I in this family?" "why didn't they want me forever?" "can I write to her?" "can I talk to her?"
I answered as best as I could. Taking the time to think, but not too much time that he would fear he had upset me. Pausing to be thoughtful, but answering with certainty so he knew I was being truthful.
Upon arriving home Jacob hurried to get on his pajamas and immediately met me with a piece of paper. He was ready to write and needed me to be his scribe. Before writing, I took out his adoption binder, hoping that by showing this to him he would feel secure, ( and maybe I could distract him from the letter he seemed intent on writing). We looked at his foot prints that were taken in the hospital. We read through the description of the page that talks about his birthmom- I said how she was tall, 5 feet 9 inches, and we laughed about the fact that she had allergies as he sniffled.
I paused for a few moments and then decided that I had to complete the story for him. I had to show him the 1 picture I have from his first adoptive family. I have no pictures for him of his birth mom, but I do have one picture of his brothers from his first adoptive family. He studied that picture silently, taking it in.
Then he slowly picked up his pencil and started to draw- one person, "is this tall enough? you said my mom was tall". Another person, "what was the boy in the pictures name? Can you write it?". Then ever so slowly, he drew himself. He asked me to label each person, one was Jacob, one was his first adoptive mom and the other was his first adoptive brother. He then had me write the following, "Dear , I love you, you are the best. I cannot wait to see you. I love you forever, and I want to see you soon. I have a joke for you I will tell you when I see you. I think you are funny, I will see you soon, with a joke. From Jacob"
He then tenderly took the paper, looked it over, and put it in the front of his adoption binder, "for when I am ready". He then grabbed the whole binder, put it under his arm, and turned it over. On the back was a banana sticker. He rubbed the sticker and asked me to take it off, saying "I know she loved bananas, even without the sticker".
We went upstairs and I tucked him in, reminding him to be careful of the binder.
I came back down, and reminded myself that the binder is his. It tells his story, it is the connection he has to his past, and together he and I will find our way through the story of Jacob. I am here to guide him and fill in whatever pieces I can. He is the leader as we walk down this path. My heart is in his hand, and he struggles through making sense of the adult concept of adoption, which often doesn't even make sense to adults.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The case of the missing alarm clock
I am a night owl, up until at least 12:30 or 1:00 AM each day. No matter how tired I am at 10 pm, even if I go up to bed, I get a second wind around 10:15 and I am raring to go until 12:30 or 1. Given my late night hours, you can imagine that getting up in the morning is not at all easy for me. For this reason I panicked when I decided that Matthew would go to school in a town 30 minutes from our house this year. I knew this meant that if we overslept and he missed the bus I would have to drive him to school, get the other kids to school and there would be no way for me to do all of that and get myself to work on time.
My plan to ensure we were on time was that I would set 3 alarm clocks each night- one in my bedroom, one in Matthew's bedroom and I would have my phone alarm set to ring. Each of these alarms would be set to ring at different times, and to make the most obnoxious sounds that they could so as to ensure that I woke up.
This plan worked amazingly well for over 2 weeks. We were up in time, ready and dressed to make the bus! Lunches were packed, bags were packed, all was good!
Until today!
Today I woke up and my clock said 8:03, the bus comes at 8:01. I ran out of my bedroom and noticed all 3 boys were sleeping ( it should be noted that this has not happened on a weekend in FOREVER!). I ran downstairs shrieking to Matthew to get up and get dressed, I hoped that as I ran downstairs the bus would be there and it would wait for him as he hurried to get clothes on. No such luck, the bus was gone.
As I hurried to jump in the shower, I decided I should give the bus company a quick call, maybe they were only a minute or 2 away and could come back. Maybe they would take pity on me and understand how hard it would be to take him the 30 minutes and back. Maybe just maybe, they too would understand that sometimes the alarm ( or 2 or 3) don't go off.
Thankfully, the bus agreed to meet me at the local high school, and so we proceeded to rush like crazy- pack the lunch, get Matthew his medicine, run out the door- all 3 kids in the car! Race like mad to the high school.
Of course we get no further than the end of the driveway before I realize that I am still in my pajamas! There is no time to go back inside and change, but if you know me at all, you know I NEVER, EVER, EVER leave the house in my pajamas! I never leave the house without a bra! Never, let me repeat EVER!
Needless to say, we drove fast to the high school, met the bus and rushed back home. As we pulled into the driveway I realized I had 18 minutes----exactly 18 minutes!!! to get Jacob and David out the door to their bus stop. In that time I had to pack 2 more lunches, get Jacob breakfast, get their socks and shoes on, and pack their backpacks. As the boys are moving the speed of paint drying, I quickly realized I had 2 choices. I could shower and drive them each to school, which won't work because they don't go to the same school, or again leave the house in my pajamas- have I mentioned that I never leave the house in pajamas? Have I mentioned that at the bus stop where the boys go there are other people? Have I mentioned that I hate when ANYONE sees me in my pajamas?
We again get everything done, we pile into the car and Jacob announces "mom, you are in your PAJAMAS"! Does he think I forgot? He suggests that I put on Matthew's robe which is blue and covered, and I mean covered, in sports symbols- can I just say it would totally clash with my pink jammies!
We drive to the bus stop where I have to get out of the car and walk the kids across the street.....total, complete embarrassment- I ask the mom, who must notice my jammies, if I can leave the boys and go home and shower- thankfully she says "yes"! I hug and kiss the boys and jog off to take my much needed shower!
Thankfully by 8:55 I am out of my jammies and by 9:10 I am at work! I have now fixed the malfunctioning clock in my room, reset Matthew's clock and turned back on my phone alarm which I turned off the wrong way on Wednesday.
Here's hoping to more calm and relaxation tomorrow morning, and that No one, and I mean NO one, sees me in my jammies!
My plan to ensure we were on time was that I would set 3 alarm clocks each night- one in my bedroom, one in Matthew's bedroom and I would have my phone alarm set to ring. Each of these alarms would be set to ring at different times, and to make the most obnoxious sounds that they could so as to ensure that I woke up.
This plan worked amazingly well for over 2 weeks. We were up in time, ready and dressed to make the bus! Lunches were packed, bags were packed, all was good!
Until today!
Today I woke up and my clock said 8:03, the bus comes at 8:01. I ran out of my bedroom and noticed all 3 boys were sleeping ( it should be noted that this has not happened on a weekend in FOREVER!). I ran downstairs shrieking to Matthew to get up and get dressed, I hoped that as I ran downstairs the bus would be there and it would wait for him as he hurried to get clothes on. No such luck, the bus was gone.
As I hurried to jump in the shower, I decided I should give the bus company a quick call, maybe they were only a minute or 2 away and could come back. Maybe they would take pity on me and understand how hard it would be to take him the 30 minutes and back. Maybe just maybe, they too would understand that sometimes the alarm ( or 2 or 3) don't go off.
Thankfully, the bus agreed to meet me at the local high school, and so we proceeded to rush like crazy- pack the lunch, get Matthew his medicine, run out the door- all 3 kids in the car! Race like mad to the high school.
Of course we get no further than the end of the driveway before I realize that I am still in my pajamas! There is no time to go back inside and change, but if you know me at all, you know I NEVER, EVER, EVER leave the house in my pajamas! I never leave the house without a bra! Never, let me repeat EVER!
Needless to say, we drove fast to the high school, met the bus and rushed back home. As we pulled into the driveway I realized I had 18 minutes----exactly 18 minutes!!! to get Jacob and David out the door to their bus stop. In that time I had to pack 2 more lunches, get Jacob breakfast, get their socks and shoes on, and pack their backpacks. As the boys are moving the speed of paint drying, I quickly realized I had 2 choices. I could shower and drive them each to school, which won't work because they don't go to the same school, or again leave the house in my pajamas- have I mentioned that I never leave the house in pajamas? Have I mentioned that at the bus stop where the boys go there are other people? Have I mentioned that I hate when ANYONE sees me in my pajamas?
We again get everything done, we pile into the car and Jacob announces "mom, you are in your PAJAMAS"! Does he think I forgot? He suggests that I put on Matthew's robe which is blue and covered, and I mean covered, in sports symbols- can I just say it would totally clash with my pink jammies!
We drive to the bus stop where I have to get out of the car and walk the kids across the street.....total, complete embarrassment- I ask the mom, who must notice my jammies, if I can leave the boys and go home and shower- thankfully she says "yes"! I hug and kiss the boys and jog off to take my much needed shower!
Thankfully by 8:55 I am out of my jammies and by 9:10 I am at work! I have now fixed the malfunctioning clock in my room, reset Matthew's clock and turned back on my phone alarm which I turned off the wrong way on Wednesday.
Here's hoping to more calm and relaxation tomorrow morning, and that No one, and I mean NO one, sees me in my jammies!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
success
Life is all about finding success.....the moments of success are happy moments. They are the moments that often come between the humdrum of regular life and at times they are the moments that come in between our failures.
At the end of August, it was time to drop Matthew off at Camp Chazak, a week long sleep away camp for children with special needs. David, Jacob and I then began our 6 day adventure, just the 3 of us. Camp Chazak occurs the second to last week in August, which is the week after most camps in New York have ended. Since I run a summer camp program, this is also the week I am on vacation. I had no real firm plans for David, Jacob and I , but I knew that this would be a week for us to recharge our batteries, and relax after a busy summer.
After dropping Matthew off at camp, the three of us headed to Yankee Candle Company in Deerfield MA. This is a fabulous place where children can explore, make their own candles, and tour through a candy store and a toy store full of little toy figures, games, puzzles and more. It was as we stood in line to make candles that I realized how quiet it was. David and Jacob each had a chance to figure out what kind of candle they wanted to make, then after making candles, we wandered for 2 hours through the store. We had time to look around, to touch, to smell, and to check out the cool toys. We explored the different scents of the candles, we checked out the candy store, and we just were. We were together enjoying a quiet day, enjoying our time together in a new place.
As we got in the car to head home, there weren't any questions of what is next, what's for dinner, where are we going? There was no urgency to get on to the next thing. We drove, I laughed as David rocked out to the hard rock songs on the radio. I giggled with Jacob as he checked out his new toy. We drove. At one point we stopped for ice cream at a homemade ice cream store somewhere between Deerfield and home. The boys watched ice cream be made. We shared a taste of each other's ice cream. There was no arguing over who got what size ice cream. There was only excitement that we were doing something special, and enjoying our special day together.
The second day together we had a playdate at a local state park. Again, it was the quiet that struck me. Quiet does not mean that things are perfect- there is still some whining, after all I am raising children, not perfect humans. There is still some fighting, especially in the morning and at night when little people are tired. But the overall feeling of the day is one of happiness, of contentment, and of ease.
I have come to realize that if I am quiet, I will hear the most important things from Jacob and David. When I ask questions, I get "yes" or "no" answers, but when I am quiet, Jacob especially will start to talk. On the third day as we were driving, Jacob asked if he was big enough for his head rest to be put on his car seat. It had been taken off when he was still in a baby seat during a car seat check a few years ago, but now he is older and I said it would make sense and we could put it back on. Jacob is a thinker, so I assumed that he had been thinking about it and just wanted his seat to look the same as mine.
When we got home, Jacob remembered wanting the head rest put on his seat and made sure that I got it down from the garage and he put it on his car seat himself. The next day as we got in the car, Jacob asked if I knew why he had wanted the headrest put on. I said no, and thought he would just be more comfortable. He said no, he was tired of Matthew touching his head in the car, and that this headrest might help Matthew stop.
As usual with Jacob, I was amazed at his thoughtfulness in thinking through the problem. Most of the time we are in the car Matthew does something to bother Jacob, often he touches his head. David has always rubbed Jacob's head as a way to comfort himself , he has done this since Jacob was a tiny baby. Jacob has always accepted this, and seems to know intuitively that this simple act calms David.
I am sure that Matthew wants to rub Jacob's head to "fit in", and not out of cruelty, however, Jacob has asked Matthew to stop this behavior multiple, multiple times, and he refuses to stop. Jacob's desire to put a physical barrier between himself and Matthew was such wonderful problem solving and showed so much thought. His ability to talk to me about this and to let me know that this is something he thinks about what important.
Throughout the 3 more days that Matthew was at camp, there were many times that Jacob would point out that it was quiet, or nice in our family, or as he would say, a good family of 3. I know that Jacob struggles with his emotions surrounding his feelings for Matthew. After all, Matthew is Jacob's older brother, and like any little brother, Jacob does look up to Matthew. However, Jacob also is realizing that having Matthew in our family at times presents challenges. Life is louder, more unpredictable, often repetitive and at times explosive when Matthew is with us.
During my second week of vacation, after Matthew had come home from Camp Chazak, I had the option of sending Matthew back to another camp he had attended this summer or having him with us for family activities. I knew that I wanted some family days, but I also knew that it was important for all of us that we have some more of these quieter days. We had been invited to go tubing on Wednesday with one of our family friends. Tubing is a fabulous activity- you ride down the river on a tube, you go as fast or as slow as the river takes you. Part of the time is spent chatting and laughing and being together, and part of the time is spent just enjoying the scene around you. I made the tough decision that David, Jacob and I would go tubing and Matthew would go to camp. I hated that it didn't make sense for him to come, but I also hated the idea of having him with us creating a different feeling to the day. My mom offered to take Matthew to dinner at night so that Matthew also had something special to look forward to, and this seemed to appease Matthew.
David, Jacob and our friends had a fabulous day on the river! We tubed for over 5.5 hours, we stopped to throw rocks, to catch crayfish and to splash around in the water. We giggled as we raced our tubes down the water and laughed as I repeatedly got stuck in the trees. Everyone got along, everyone was happy, and the day was rejuvenating.
Later in the week it was time for our annual trip to Moreau state park with other friends. Again I knew that with Matthew the day would have a different feel. Not a good or bad feel, but it would be different. With Matthew I would have been on guard all day- checking to see who he was talking to, playing with, and what he was doing. Without Matthew, I knew all would get along more easily, and that the play would be more cooperative. I knew the kids would all play together, build together and enjoy each other's company. There was a birthday party at camp complete with cupcakes, so it was an easy sell for Matthew to go to camp.
Again, as we were together at the Lake it was obvious that there is a feeling of relaxation. Sure David was goofy on the way up to the Lake, and he proclaimed himself crazy. On the way home there was some fighting over video games, but it was really kid stuff. With Matthew it goes to the next level and there is a non stop nature to the action.
Today as we prepare to end summer we spent the day at the town pool. This time Matthew came with us, and we had a fantastic day. The pool is somewhere that Matthew thrives. He lives for the diving board! The sensory input calms his body- he can jump off the diving board for hours upon hours and is completely at peace. When he came over to the little pool he played very happily, and got to be in the big brother role as he swam around Jacob and they played together. After being at the pool we drove to my parents house for dinner and Jacob and Matthew sat together in the back laughing as brothers laugh. They were singing and just being goofy.
Today was a day of success! I think for our family success is going to be best defined by time spent all together but punctuated with time spent apart. It is ok for me to decide that some activities are best when Matthew is with us, and other activities are best when Matthew is with another adult doing something that he loves. Family isn't about being together 100% of the time, but it is about enjoy your time when you are together!
At the end of August, it was time to drop Matthew off at Camp Chazak, a week long sleep away camp for children with special needs. David, Jacob and I then began our 6 day adventure, just the 3 of us. Camp Chazak occurs the second to last week in August, which is the week after most camps in New York have ended. Since I run a summer camp program, this is also the week I am on vacation. I had no real firm plans for David, Jacob and I , but I knew that this would be a week for us to recharge our batteries, and relax after a busy summer.
After dropping Matthew off at camp, the three of us headed to Yankee Candle Company in Deerfield MA. This is a fabulous place where children can explore, make their own candles, and tour through a candy store and a toy store full of little toy figures, games, puzzles and more. It was as we stood in line to make candles that I realized how quiet it was. David and Jacob each had a chance to figure out what kind of candle they wanted to make, then after making candles, we wandered for 2 hours through the store. We had time to look around, to touch, to smell, and to check out the cool toys. We explored the different scents of the candles, we checked out the candy store, and we just were. We were together enjoying a quiet day, enjoying our time together in a new place.
As we got in the car to head home, there weren't any questions of what is next, what's for dinner, where are we going? There was no urgency to get on to the next thing. We drove, I laughed as David rocked out to the hard rock songs on the radio. I giggled with Jacob as he checked out his new toy. We drove. At one point we stopped for ice cream at a homemade ice cream store somewhere between Deerfield and home. The boys watched ice cream be made. We shared a taste of each other's ice cream. There was no arguing over who got what size ice cream. There was only excitement that we were doing something special, and enjoying our special day together.
The second day together we had a playdate at a local state park. Again, it was the quiet that struck me. Quiet does not mean that things are perfect- there is still some whining, after all I am raising children, not perfect humans. There is still some fighting, especially in the morning and at night when little people are tired. But the overall feeling of the day is one of happiness, of contentment, and of ease.
I have come to realize that if I am quiet, I will hear the most important things from Jacob and David. When I ask questions, I get "yes" or "no" answers, but when I am quiet, Jacob especially will start to talk. On the third day as we were driving, Jacob asked if he was big enough for his head rest to be put on his car seat. It had been taken off when he was still in a baby seat during a car seat check a few years ago, but now he is older and I said it would make sense and we could put it back on. Jacob is a thinker, so I assumed that he had been thinking about it and just wanted his seat to look the same as mine.
When we got home, Jacob remembered wanting the head rest put on his seat and made sure that I got it down from the garage and he put it on his car seat himself. The next day as we got in the car, Jacob asked if I knew why he had wanted the headrest put on. I said no, and thought he would just be more comfortable. He said no, he was tired of Matthew touching his head in the car, and that this headrest might help Matthew stop.
As usual with Jacob, I was amazed at his thoughtfulness in thinking through the problem. Most of the time we are in the car Matthew does something to bother Jacob, often he touches his head. David has always rubbed Jacob's head as a way to comfort himself , he has done this since Jacob was a tiny baby. Jacob has always accepted this, and seems to know intuitively that this simple act calms David.
I am sure that Matthew wants to rub Jacob's head to "fit in", and not out of cruelty, however, Jacob has asked Matthew to stop this behavior multiple, multiple times, and he refuses to stop. Jacob's desire to put a physical barrier between himself and Matthew was such wonderful problem solving and showed so much thought. His ability to talk to me about this and to let me know that this is something he thinks about what important.
Throughout the 3 more days that Matthew was at camp, there were many times that Jacob would point out that it was quiet, or nice in our family, or as he would say, a good family of 3. I know that Jacob struggles with his emotions surrounding his feelings for Matthew. After all, Matthew is Jacob's older brother, and like any little brother, Jacob does look up to Matthew. However, Jacob also is realizing that having Matthew in our family at times presents challenges. Life is louder, more unpredictable, often repetitive and at times explosive when Matthew is with us.
During my second week of vacation, after Matthew had come home from Camp Chazak, I had the option of sending Matthew back to another camp he had attended this summer or having him with us for family activities. I knew that I wanted some family days, but I also knew that it was important for all of us that we have some more of these quieter days. We had been invited to go tubing on Wednesday with one of our family friends. Tubing is a fabulous activity- you ride down the river on a tube, you go as fast or as slow as the river takes you. Part of the time is spent chatting and laughing and being together, and part of the time is spent just enjoying the scene around you. I made the tough decision that David, Jacob and I would go tubing and Matthew would go to camp. I hated that it didn't make sense for him to come, but I also hated the idea of having him with us creating a different feeling to the day. My mom offered to take Matthew to dinner at night so that Matthew also had something special to look forward to, and this seemed to appease Matthew.
David, Jacob and our friends had a fabulous day on the river! We tubed for over 5.5 hours, we stopped to throw rocks, to catch crayfish and to splash around in the water. We giggled as we raced our tubes down the water and laughed as I repeatedly got stuck in the trees. Everyone got along, everyone was happy, and the day was rejuvenating.
Later in the week it was time for our annual trip to Moreau state park with other friends. Again I knew that with Matthew the day would have a different feel. Not a good or bad feel, but it would be different. With Matthew I would have been on guard all day- checking to see who he was talking to, playing with, and what he was doing. Without Matthew, I knew all would get along more easily, and that the play would be more cooperative. I knew the kids would all play together, build together and enjoy each other's company. There was a birthday party at camp complete with cupcakes, so it was an easy sell for Matthew to go to camp.
Again, as we were together at the Lake it was obvious that there is a feeling of relaxation. Sure David was goofy on the way up to the Lake, and he proclaimed himself crazy. On the way home there was some fighting over video games, but it was really kid stuff. With Matthew it goes to the next level and there is a non stop nature to the action.
Today as we prepare to end summer we spent the day at the town pool. This time Matthew came with us, and we had a fantastic day. The pool is somewhere that Matthew thrives. He lives for the diving board! The sensory input calms his body- he can jump off the diving board for hours upon hours and is completely at peace. When he came over to the little pool he played very happily, and got to be in the big brother role as he swam around Jacob and they played together. After being at the pool we drove to my parents house for dinner and Jacob and Matthew sat together in the back laughing as brothers laugh. They were singing and just being goofy.
Today was a day of success! I think for our family success is going to be best defined by time spent all together but punctuated with time spent apart. It is ok for me to decide that some activities are best when Matthew is with us, and other activities are best when Matthew is with another adult doing something that he loves. Family isn't about being together 100% of the time, but it is about enjoy your time when you are together!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
This old dog is learning new tricks
Matthew and David have spent many weeks this summer at a brand new camp program that has been created by an organization that works with adults and children with brain damage. The camp has been created for children on the autism spectrum and also for children with ADHD and other learning challenges. One of the most interesting parts of this program for me has been learning the techniques that are incorporated in this summer camp. We had a meeting last week where the parents were taught some of the buzz words that the children are using at camp:
1. Big deal/Little Deal- so often the children get upset disproportionately to the problem. Helping a child to clarify whether a problem is a "big deal" or a "little deal" helps them to better monitor their response to the situation.
2. Ready/Not Ready- helps a child to determine whether they are ready to participate or not ready to participate and check in with their emotions and actions.
3. Make a Plan- for children on the autism spectrum and with any sort of developmental issues, often their thoughts are scattered, so making a plan gives the child a guide for how to get through a situation.
At camp these techniques are used all day long! I knew that these techniques would be useful when David started saying "it's a little deal" all on his own in response to a problem. This helped me to teach him this summer that having a poop accident is a "little deal", but having a poop accident and then sitting on the carpet and not coming to get changed is a "big deal".
We have talked about "ready/not ready" when David is struggling to keep his hands to himself in the car. "Are you ready to ride in your spot next to Jacob, or are you not ready, and need to move to the back?" Typically just using these phrases helps David to cue in and move to the next step.
Tonight I had a chance to have a parent meeting with Dr Tim Feeney, one of the directors of the program. Tim specializes in working with children and adults with Traumatic brain injuries, and has spent time at camp working with all of the children. I was so excited to meet with Tim because I wanted him to help me see where I went wrong with a problem Matthew had yesterday and get him to help me problem solve for the future.
The short story of the problem is that I wanted to go to Karate class, and I knew it was touch and go as to whether the boys would be able to behave while I took my class. I prepped them for what "proper behavior" was and what was expected and then said that if they did well we would go out for ice cream afterwards. Matthew took his IPOD with him, and David and Jacob brought books so I thought we had a good chance of being successful. Unfortunately, Matthew interrupted class 3 times, and David bothered Jacob throughout the class, so I ended up leaving after only 30 minutes of class rather than the full hour. Because Jacob had behaved I felt that he had earned his ice cream, however the other 2 had not earned ice cream. I went to get Jacob a quick cone and Matthew went BALLISTIC! He was running through the parking lot, threatening to run onto Deleware Avenue, cursing and basically totally out of control. I tried talking to him about making a plan. I stayed calm and talked about ready/not ready, but he was having no part of it. He was angry and simply out of control.
Thankfully, a friend happened to be having ice cream at the same time, and after a while Matthew settled down when she offered to drive him home. He had a nice ride with her and then came home. He of course was calm, me not so much anymore.
So I asked Tim where did I go wrong? What should I have done differently?
Tim first suggested giving Jacob an IOU for ice cream for another day. I felt like this wasn't fair to Jacob, and Tim continued to brainstorm.
His next thought was that I could have gone to Stewart's to pick up milk and at the same time gotten Jacob a small ice cream. He thought this may not have caused as big an upset for Matthew and certainly would have at least kept him off of Deleware Avenue. He also suggested that I could have gotten Jacob an ice cream at Stewarts and Matthew and David something small, that this would make the point that they had lost the golden prize, but that all was not lost and they could try again for ice cream another day.
I had thought I had done so well because I stayed calm, I used the buzz words, and I didnt make Jacob lose out on his reward because of the other boys behavior. However in talking with Tim I realized a few things:
1. Jacob still lost out- how good did the ice cream taste while watching and listening to Matthew's tantrum?
2. Matthew lost out on a learning opportunity because he was too angry and explosive to learn from what happened
3. I lost track of the little picture which is that 3 boys lasted 30 minutes while I did something I loved. Just a year ago 30 minutes wouldn't have been possible. Sure, they didn't last an hour, and sure I was embarrassed by their behavior, but in reality 30 minutes is still to be celebrated.
One of the best parts of talking to Tim was that he was able to help me put into words the struggle I have with being Matthew's mom at times. We have had a good summer, lots of good days, however I am often tired of being accosted by Matthew's questions from the very second I open my eyes until the second he falls asleep. It is an awful lot to hear any other human talk as much as Matthew talks. Tim said when you are with Matthew it is almost like you are constantly being verbally assaulted. You cannot predict as the listener what he is going to say, and often the conversations are disjointed and it takes a lot of effort as the listener to stay on task with his conversation. This is exhausting as the listener. Tim clarified for me that it is ok to feel exhausted, that everyone who is with Matthew feels this exhaustion. It is always helpful for me to have my feelings validated, and to have the visual of being verbally accosted for some reason made a lot of sense to me and was able to help me put my emotions into context.
Raising any child or children is a learning process. Raising children with special needs requires learning because the child does not follow the typical developmental pattern, but the good news is that with each new technique I learn, my parenting toolbox becomes more full, and I am more ready to parent with success.
1. Big deal/Little Deal- so often the children get upset disproportionately to the problem. Helping a child to clarify whether a problem is a "big deal" or a "little deal" helps them to better monitor their response to the situation.
2. Ready/Not Ready- helps a child to determine whether they are ready to participate or not ready to participate and check in with their emotions and actions.
3. Make a Plan- for children on the autism spectrum and with any sort of developmental issues, often their thoughts are scattered, so making a plan gives the child a guide for how to get through a situation.
At camp these techniques are used all day long! I knew that these techniques would be useful when David started saying "it's a little deal" all on his own in response to a problem. This helped me to teach him this summer that having a poop accident is a "little deal", but having a poop accident and then sitting on the carpet and not coming to get changed is a "big deal".
We have talked about "ready/not ready" when David is struggling to keep his hands to himself in the car. "Are you ready to ride in your spot next to Jacob, or are you not ready, and need to move to the back?" Typically just using these phrases helps David to cue in and move to the next step.
Tonight I had a chance to have a parent meeting with Dr Tim Feeney, one of the directors of the program. Tim specializes in working with children and adults with Traumatic brain injuries, and has spent time at camp working with all of the children. I was so excited to meet with Tim because I wanted him to help me see where I went wrong with a problem Matthew had yesterday and get him to help me problem solve for the future.
The short story of the problem is that I wanted to go to Karate class, and I knew it was touch and go as to whether the boys would be able to behave while I took my class. I prepped them for what "proper behavior" was and what was expected and then said that if they did well we would go out for ice cream afterwards. Matthew took his IPOD with him, and David and Jacob brought books so I thought we had a good chance of being successful. Unfortunately, Matthew interrupted class 3 times, and David bothered Jacob throughout the class, so I ended up leaving after only 30 minutes of class rather than the full hour. Because Jacob had behaved I felt that he had earned his ice cream, however the other 2 had not earned ice cream. I went to get Jacob a quick cone and Matthew went BALLISTIC! He was running through the parking lot, threatening to run onto Deleware Avenue, cursing and basically totally out of control. I tried talking to him about making a plan. I stayed calm and talked about ready/not ready, but he was having no part of it. He was angry and simply out of control.
Thankfully, a friend happened to be having ice cream at the same time, and after a while Matthew settled down when she offered to drive him home. He had a nice ride with her and then came home. He of course was calm, me not so much anymore.
So I asked Tim where did I go wrong? What should I have done differently?
Tim first suggested giving Jacob an IOU for ice cream for another day. I felt like this wasn't fair to Jacob, and Tim continued to brainstorm.
His next thought was that I could have gone to Stewart's to pick up milk and at the same time gotten Jacob a small ice cream. He thought this may not have caused as big an upset for Matthew and certainly would have at least kept him off of Deleware Avenue. He also suggested that I could have gotten Jacob an ice cream at Stewarts and Matthew and David something small, that this would make the point that they had lost the golden prize, but that all was not lost and they could try again for ice cream another day.
I had thought I had done so well because I stayed calm, I used the buzz words, and I didnt make Jacob lose out on his reward because of the other boys behavior. However in talking with Tim I realized a few things:
1. Jacob still lost out- how good did the ice cream taste while watching and listening to Matthew's tantrum?
2. Matthew lost out on a learning opportunity because he was too angry and explosive to learn from what happened
3. I lost track of the little picture which is that 3 boys lasted 30 minutes while I did something I loved. Just a year ago 30 minutes wouldn't have been possible. Sure, they didn't last an hour, and sure I was embarrassed by their behavior, but in reality 30 minutes is still to be celebrated.
One of the best parts of talking to Tim was that he was able to help me put into words the struggle I have with being Matthew's mom at times. We have had a good summer, lots of good days, however I am often tired of being accosted by Matthew's questions from the very second I open my eyes until the second he falls asleep. It is an awful lot to hear any other human talk as much as Matthew talks. Tim said when you are with Matthew it is almost like you are constantly being verbally assaulted. You cannot predict as the listener what he is going to say, and often the conversations are disjointed and it takes a lot of effort as the listener to stay on task with his conversation. This is exhausting as the listener. Tim clarified for me that it is ok to feel exhausted, that everyone who is with Matthew feels this exhaustion. It is always helpful for me to have my feelings validated, and to have the visual of being verbally accosted for some reason made a lot of sense to me and was able to help me put my emotions into context.
Raising any child or children is a learning process. Raising children with special needs requires learning because the child does not follow the typical developmental pattern, but the good news is that with each new technique I learn, my parenting toolbox becomes more full, and I am more ready to parent with success.
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