Blah

This weekend has just been a weekend when I am  alone with my thoughts or the boys, things are not so good......I am trying to remind myself that this is  a big week.  I am ending my 13th year at a job I have loved to move onto a new adventure....I don't do new so well.  I am at the same time excited and scared.

Add to all of this that summer school has ended, the boys are entering their last week of camp, and typically after Friday we would have the rest of the summer together.....instead, this year, I start my new job and I am piecing together child care.  I am sure the kids will be fine, but all of the change will lead to increased anxiety, which will in turn lead to increased behaviors.

I had set up a huge surprise for Matthew today with his respite worker- he was supposed to be going on a 4 wheeling adventure with a local not for profit agency called 4Wheeling 4 Healing.  I brought him to the place we were meeting them, and surprised him with the idea that he was going 4 wheeling for the day.  Jacob, David and I said goodbye, and we headed off on a much quieter adventure.  I was in the middle of getting a haircut when I got the call telling me that a tire had fallen off the trailer and so they had to call off the 4 wheeling adventure for the day because they had to get the trailer fixed.

The people from 4 Wheeling 4 Healing had done everything possible to try to get the trailer fixed so that they could get back up and running and give Matthew his amazing day, but it just was not to be.  We are set to reschedule, and I am sure that Matthew will be even MORE excited this time around.......

For me though this felt like our life's karma.......I am in such a debbie downer phase right now, as I am filled with anxiety.....would it have been TOO much to ask for his surprise to just have gone off without  a hitch?

I am spending hours watching families post their summer pictures on facebook- boating, great escape, days with friends on the lake, time at the pool, all sorts of adventures.....even outings to the movies are filled with pictures of kids and their friends.  Last night we drove out of our neighborhood past 10 boys ages 11-13, all together for  a sleepover party.  MY SON IS 12!    Will he ever have a friend?  Will he ever be invited?  He knew all of their names, but he is not their friend.  In his head he is, but in reality, well, I know he isn't even an acquantance in their world.

Trust me, I get it....he is exhausting.  Often I wake up tired from him.  I wake up to the tv blaring, the IPAD blasting music and him listening to a different song on the computer.  I am woken up in the wee hours of the morning to be asked what's for breakfast and can he get out of bed.  Then I am woken a short while later to find out what time is lunch or some other crazy question.  He asks questions, his questions have questions, he is awkward, a little off beat and very immature.  That doesn't change the fact that my feelings are hurt that he has no friends.

It hurts my feelings daily to look at facebook and see all of the things families are doing.  And then to talk to moms who say how hard it is...I want to scream and shout.  Hard.....you want to know hard?  Hard is being exhausted.  Hard is your 9 year old never, ever, not once, not even once, having a BM in a toilet- it is the bags of dirty clothes that I am getting from camp weekly because he had another accident.  Hard is knowing that your kids aren't included even when the families of other children with special needs get together.

To be truthful, hard is knowing that I am jealous of all that everyone is doing because I chose this harder life.......even if my kids didn't have special needs, a single mom doesn't have the disposable income for life's extras......but all moms want to give their kids the best, and for me that is no different.  I want to take them boating, I want to go tubing, I want a day at Great Escape, but I can't afford it all, couldn't do it alone even if I wanted to, and well......there is a limited number of people crazy enough to say "yeah.....let's invite the Bloom's!"

Hard is not knowing if it is me or them.....maybe my kids would be included if I wasn't their mom....Maybe it's me?

Hard is constant motion.......hard is noisy when all you want is quiet.  Right now life is hard.  I know that in a week it will all look better.  A week from now I will have said goodbye to Ohav Shalom, and I will be gearing up to say hello to Early Start.  A week from now I will have a fresh perspective I hope.

My plan is to make time for me to grieve this week as I say goodbye, but not to get bogged down.  I am going to work as hard as possible to keep my spirits up for the boys while inside I feel my heart full and heavy.

I always am aware that there are some who have life much harder.....but today, I am brutally aware that so many have it easier....I just want easier....I really, really wanted it easier today.