Over the past few weeks I have had an overwhelming sense of not knowing who I am anymore. When people ask about me how I am, mostly I answer in regards to the me who I am as a mom. My days are filled with work and often phone calls about the boys, or emails about the boys. Especially at this time of year as I am working on IEP's for each of the boys, I feel as if my nights are overwhelmed by thoughts and fears for their future. I feel as though time for Amie and just figuring out who I am and what I want next in my life has become lost.
I am finding myself desperately needing time away and time just for me, but even the simple act of planning for that time is exhausting I have to find a babysitter. I have to make a plan, and then I have to make sure that what i am doing is really "worth it" so that I don't feel like I am wasting money that could be better spent for something else. I don't even know what it is that I want to do at this point, I just am finding myself wishing for 48 hours when I could just turn off the world and escape for a little while.
I would love a pedicure, a good book, and some good conversation, coupled with some some window shopping or even a massage!
Monday and Tuesday this week I have the days off to myself, and I was hoping that those two partial days before the kids get out of school, would be enough down time for me to rejuvenate, but as it turns out, I am going to look at a new school for Matthew on Monday, and Tuesday I have appointments, so even those 2 days are not going to be able to be set aside just for me. I am hoping to take some time over those 2 days to do whatever i want, but even now as I sit here on Sunday evening, I am not sure what it is that I am wanting to do.
Part of me longs to get in the car as soon as the kids are on the bus and just drive. No destination, no plan, just a variety of lefts and rights, ending when it is time to refill the tank or the sun goes down. Another part of me wants the ability to not get up and get dressed and simply wants to just lounge watching trash tv. That sounds delightful, but my guess is that I will spend a large part of the day obsessing over how the boys are doing at school, or Bar Mitzvah preparations, and the day will be gone before I know it and I still will be left with a yearning to find myself.
Hopefully when I get up in the morning, I will have a strong sense of where I am supposed to go, what i am supposed to do and how best to use these 2 partial days to rejuvenate my mind, body and spirit.
- I am a single mom of three amazing boys! All three of my sons entered my family through adoption. All three of my boys have developmental disabilities. My oldest son, Matthew has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder. David, my middle son, has a genetic condition, he has a duplication on his 15th chromosome which leads to autism like symptoms, seizures and learning challenges. My youngest son, Jacob has learning disabilities. Each of my children bring unique challengs to our family and also bring their own personality and joys to our everyday life!