There has been so much going on recently and it has been really hard to organize my thoughts.....with all that I share about my boys, it is only fair that I share about myself as well. I am an adult who has struggled all her adult life with depression. I have found a medication that changes my world. I am one of the worlds best masqueraders, you would likely never know when, on the inside, I am falling apart. Unfortunately, for the month of August, I was living a nightmare. The pharmacy had made a mistake with my anti depressant and they had given me half of my regular dosage. I was a mess. It was all I could do to get to work, and get home and make dinner each night and get the boys to bed. I was living life with tears bubbling up in my throat but was too ashamed to tell anyone.
Finally when it was time to renew my prescription, I went to the pharmacy, assuming that I was feeling this way due to them giving me a generic brand that didn't work, and in tears begged them please to give me a different brand. An awesome pharmacist finally did some research and found out that I had been taking half of my regular dose for the past month.
Half of my regular dose was the difference between living in hell and living in happiness. Half of my regular dose cost me a month of summer. Half of my regular dose meant that i went through life, because as parents that is what we have to do, but there was a dark cloud covering every moment. Half of my regular dose meant that I was short with my kids, it meant that I didn't have the strength or the patience to deal with every issue that came up. It also meant that in many ways my boys were feeding off of my shortness. It meant that they were living with a mom who didnt have all of the patience she needed to be her best. It meant that I spent my nights with tears in my throat and no one to tell.
Half of my regular dose also explains my sobbing, true sobbing, when i picked up the boys from summer camp....you see, I am typically someone who might shed tears, but sobbing, is highly unusual. I still can't get over all that David accomplished at camp, and the amazing fun Matthew had, but in rewatching the video, while it is awesome, sobbing now seems like an insane reaction!
What this has taught me is that I have to listen to my body. I deserve to live in happiness, and my boys require that I live life at my best. Given that, I have to check all medications that we are given from the pharmacy to make sure that they are correct, but I also need to listen to my body. I will know now that when I can't get off the couch, or can't keep it together, that I need to be in contact with my Doctor. Not only do my boys deserve the best me, but I deserve the best me, and thankfully, while I am person who is prone to depression, I am not a person living with depression. I am a person who is thriving with depression that bubbles under the surface, when I don't have the support of all that modern medicine has to offer.
I have worried about writing this post for a few weeks now because we all know that impact of social media. It is however I have decided, unfair of me to share so much of our story and yet hide this piece. Some may say, having these 3 boys could make anyone struggle with depression, however I have struggled with depression since I was in high school. I am one of the lucky ones, medications work for me and they have truly changed my life.
- I am a single mom of three amazing boys! All three of my sons entered my family through adoption. All three of my boys have developmental disabilities. My oldest son, Matthew has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder. David, my middle son, has a genetic condition, he has a duplication on his 15th chromosome which leads to autism like symptoms, seizures and learning challenges. My youngest son, Jacob has learning disabilities. Each of my children bring unique challengs to our family and also bring their own personality and joys to our everyday life!