California

It was time for us to start doing the impossible.....my niece is dying and we were ready to go visit.....well ready if you count that the plane tickets were purchased.  That was all I could manage to do .  I couldn't book a hotel.  I couldn't pack.  I couldn't make plans.  All of those things meant the trip was real and if the trip was real, then I would need to prepare myself to say goodbye to my niece and to see my brother in the lowest point of his life.  To prepare for that is impossible.  To imagine that is impossible, so in my mind if I never packed or booked a hotel then we couldn't really go and I could stop all of this from happening.

Thankfully Friday morning I called my parents and was able to choke out the words "I need help.  I can't pack all 3 boys, I cant book a hotel.  I can't do this alone."  We made a plan to pack the 3 boys together on Saturday morning, and to get through this all together.  I walked into work, feeling ready, and I think in reality I had just needed to fall apart so that I could be strong enough to move forward.

Saturday morning we got up and one at a time I was able to work with the boys to get everyone packed.  When my dad arrived he handed me a piece of paper with our hotel reservation.  Slowly I was mentally preparing for our trip and moving forward.

On Tuesday, as we landed in California, it was a true relief to see my brother.  He was able to show us how they were coping- for them it was life as normal.  One child has a soccer game, one child has track practice, and they were living each day to the fullest.  This set the tone for us as we headed to their house.  Seeing Samantha was amazing.  She looked good.  If you watched closely you could see signs of her struggling, but for the most part she was laughing, and happy and excited to be with everyone.

I knew that for our visit we would need a plan that included a daily outing.  I knew that my boys needed time out in CA, and I was aware that Samantha needed time of quiet.  I loved seeing that Nathan and Jacob were bonding and I was hopeful that Nathan would join us on some of our outings.

When Matthew was a baby we went to the JellyBelly factory, so armed with a mission to bring back popcorn jelly beans for Samantha, the boys and I plus Nathan headed out!

A little bit lost, plus a flat tire later, (yes our crazy luck followed us to CA!  Of course with a car of 4 boys I got a flat tire.  Of course the person who came out to help us admitted to being high.  Of  course a police officer stopped to help while the person who was helping us was high.  Of course I had to add stress to my brothers life by getting his car a flat tire and of course the trip to the Jellybelly factory that should take less than 30 minutes took us a little over 45!) we arrived at the Jelly Belly factory!!!

As we walked in to the factory Jacob quickly ran to find anything Jellybelly that had Mickey Mouse on it.  Nathan ran to find anything Harry Potter for Samantha and Matthew, David and I stood in line for the tour.  There is something magical about 2 boys who are in a true candy shop and they each immediately run off to find something for their siblings.  With a promise that we would buy these items after the tour we headed off to learn about how JellyBelly jelly beans are made.

Halfway through the tour, which was incredible, Jacob came over sweating and truly looking horrible.  As I frantically looked for a garbage can he tried his best not to throw up.  As this was a self guided tour there was no one who could help us and the entire time David was super excited about all that he was seeing.  David was not sensing the urgency of Jacob's need for a garbage can, and I was having little to no luck finding one and was only hoping that Jacob had a few more seconds while I searched!

After a few seconds of illness we continued on our tour and finished with purchases at the gift shop!  The boys didn't eat many jelly beans on our tour and Matthew was starving so I decided I would continue in the role of "fun Aunt!"  We saw a sign for Fenton's ice cream on our drive home and knowing that my parents had said we HAD to stop here we drove right in.  Nathan quickly insisted we had to try the banana split.  Jacob quickly insisted that if ice cream was anywhere near a banana it was NOT possibly the best thing on the menu, and all Matthew cared about was that he have something to eat, not ice cream!

With the power to "Create A Sundae", Jacob created this monstrosity which included a brownie, hot fudge and cookie crumbles, which Jacob and Matthew shared, Nathan and I indulged ourselves with a banana split and David tackled a Strawberry ice cream soda.  I can easily say this was by far the BEST ice cream I have ever tasted and that as we sat around the table Nathan and the boys were able to share some of their thoughts and fears about Samantha being so sick.  With kids this age these conversations come and go quickly.  Around ice cream sundaes we discussed whether G-d was possibly real and if G-d was real why would this happen to Samantha and our family.  We talked about what happens when someone is dying and we shared our fears.  I was able to share that I have seen 5 families who have lost children to various illnesses and that while life is never the same that they have all continued living.  Somehow after the saddest possible time of your life you find a reason to smile again.  Somehow you continue because you know your sibling or child would want you to continue.  

As kids always do, as this conversation became too hard we moved on to laughing about silliness, and then we wrapped up our ice cream and headed back to see Andy, Teri and Samantha.  Apparently Nathan has a sensitivity to milk which I was unaware of and so Fenton's ice cream may not have been the "best" choice, but I will always believe that the ice cream just set the stage for conversations that were necessary in a safe place.  Plus, I needed memories made on this trip and my boys know me well enough to know that we typically don't go to candy factories AND out for ice cream on the same day!

As we returned to Andy's house, we ran in to give the  popcorn jelly beans and chocolate Harry Potter wand to Samantha.  Of course, as younger brothers and evil cousins often do, the boys had slipped a few of the Harry Potter disgusting jelly beans into the bag of popcorn jelly beans, so we warned Samantha to carefully inspect each jelly bean before eating it.  Samantha then spent a little time doing a Disney puzzle with David and the boys enjoyed some video game time, and then we headed back to the hotel for the night.  

My hope was that each of our days in CA would be filled with some smiles as we prepared for our goodbye and I was able to accomplish my mission today.  Additionally, I was able to have some hard conversations and to let Nathan know that he could reach out at any time.  I was able to set the stage for him that I knew this was hard and that I know other families who have survived this horrendous worst part of life.  We were also able to lay plans for other fun days as we visited so that we could look forward to more memories being made together.

Each night as we returned to the hotel I felt like I had left a piece of my heart at Andy's house.  I will never be sure if our visit was "done right".  It is beyond strange and impossible to go say goodbye to someone who is 16 years old.  We laughed a lot on our trip, had a few serious chats, and shared some time together just hanging out.  For me, my time with Samantha was of such value.  It was a week spent making memories of a lifetime.  For my boys it was simply time being with family and creating memories.  

It will never be enough because you can't live a lifetime in a week, but it was the best we could do under impossible situations, and for that reason, it was ok.