I hate losing things...there I said it....I know it makes me angry, but compound something being lost with David truly being unable to remember and I lose my cool. It makes me so angry that his brain fails him. Why is it so hard for him to remember things? Why can he truly at times not just remember? This is likely just another symptom of his seizures and brain issues, but why can't the doctors define it? Why am I supposed to just accept this...I can't just accept it! There has to be a fix.
As I started making dinner the boys had asked if we could go to the pool. I figured once dinner was made, we could go for a little while. After putting the steak in the oven I went to the computer desk and gathered our pool passes, and went to also grab the pool pass for the babysitter. I had our passes and Danielle's pass at the computer last night and multiple times I thought "I should put these away" but I figured since they were all together and I knew where they were it was no big deal. I figured I would put them away later. I also had my library card and David's library card in the same place.
Well as I was gathering things, suddenly there were only 3 pool passes, not 4 and 1 library card, not 2. I immediately asked the boys who had used them. No sooner than the question was out of my mouth did David freeze - I hate the look on his face that he makes- it is like he knows that he has touched the item but for all the tea in China he cannot remember where he put it. So I start asking questions-
did you touch the card- Long awkward pause and finally - yes
did you play with it- yes
where did you play with it- long, long awkward pause and finally- in the play room
where in the play room- starts looking around and answers too quckily- on the floor- HELLO----the entire playroom is FLOOR- and there is no card on the floor....
Now we enter in to the world of the unknown- cause at this point David is willing to say anything that he thinks I want to hear, when in reality- there is nothing I want to hear, except WHERE ARE THE CARDS!!!
We go through a whole host of scenarios- I suggest things he may have done with the card, he greets every suggestion with an affirmative answer.....this is TRULY not HELPFUL. I think I could have suggested he ate the cards and he would have agreed.
Then, when you ask him to look for the card it is like life is too painful- he walks ever so slowly to where he thinks you want him to look and stands and stares.....and the more this goes on, the more my heart breaks, and the angrier I become because it is so unfair- while adults often forget where they put things, and I know a lot of kids are forgetful, with David it isn't just that he is forgetful it is the look on his face, the pain, the acknowledgement that he truly has no idea. He is not playing a game with me. he is not being silly or trying to duck out of being in "trouble". He truly has no idea and is completely lost.
I asked if he had played "library" with the cards, and he agreed he had- to support this idea Jacob made up a whole scenario of how they played library and what the game looked like and what they did-in reality my guess is that they didnt play library at all, but who knows for sure........and truly the library card and the pool pass can each be replaced for $5 so I dont know why I have allowed these 2 items being lost to ruin our entire evening.....but it is a vicious circle of me hating when things get lost and that being compounded with having to watch David painfully become out of touch with life and it is enough to break my heart. I could have sat and cried....which would have been better than tearing the house apart. I could have hugged him forever and that would still not have been long enough...but I was busy being mad and sad at the world. And hating that this is how we ended what was otherwise a perfectly wonderful fabulous weekend. But the reality of life SMACKED hard in my face tonight. I hate it....I want his brain to work. I want him to remember.
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