The mania has started....I am hoping it is just a reaction to a decrease in medication and that Matthew will stabilize soon. I am so full of hope. The doctor is trying to get him off of seraquel which is a medication that can have some negative side effects and is not known to have helped Matthew much in the past. That said, we have been decreasing his dosage very, very slowly. His last decrease was on Friday and on Sunday he had a large tantrum.
I assumed that I might have been the cause of the tantrum. He wanted to cut tomatoes at the food pantry and I was afraid he was going to cut himself. They were cherry tomatoes and a large knife and while I tried to coach him through the experience it just was too dangerous between the way he was holding the knife and the slipperiness of the tomato.
He wanted a smaller knife, I was trying to watch David and Jacob and Matthew and we were in the middle of cooking for lots of people. There were many jobs he could do, and a smaller knife, or really, any knife just wasn't making me comfortable because he wasn't focused. Sure, had I been in awesome mom mode, I could have done it differently. However, I was in survival mom mode, and so I worked with him for a few minutes and finally said we would try again at home to learn to cut the tomatos. He then snuck off to the supply closet and came back with a big knife, and I told him that this was unacceptable. This led to a long, loud tantrum.
I hoped that it was just a bump in the road. I figured it was a response to my not so awesome parenting.
Today I got a call from school that he had been in the quiet room for almost an hour....he had not calmed down and could not ride the bus home and so I needed to come and get him. He was calm by the time I got there and had basically exhausted himself. He did fairly well coming back to work with me and just spending time alone. Things were ok until right before bed, when he got that odd intonation to his voice, the look on his face and the sing song voice.....
i don't know if I hate it because it scares me, or the tone irritates me, or because it is the beginning of what usually becomes intense behaviors. i do know that I hate it.....I hate that he becomes someone else, he goes somewhere else and it is intense. I do know that as a parent it is hard to see your child disappear before your eyes.
I am hoping this is a blip on our radar. That the tantrums have ended the mania and that tomorrow is a new day and it is all better. I do know that we have been in a good place for a while. We have enjoyed bike rides, family time, he has been drumming a lot....things have been good. I have the inner strength to get through a blip. I don't want to ......but I will love and support him through it.....I will do my part, if you will do your part and pray that this is a short ride on the roller coaster. Pray that there aren't too many big ups and downs.
I hate bipolar disorder......with all of my being I hate it!
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