I can't shake my down feelings. I can't seem to get out from under the black cloud. The boys are both status quo. Nothing exciting is going on with either of them today or the last few days....and now I can't get out of my own way. I can't stop feeling down,and I feel like I am living life waiting for the next bad thing, or the next hard time.
I want to enjoy this day or week or month of quiet and instead I am just passing time. I feel like life has been such chaos recently that we have just gone from chaos to chaos and there has been no quiet- we might have found the quiet and I can't even seem to enjoy it.
I am on high alert with David, watching and waiting for a seizure to hit. I can't tell how he is doing and can't get comfortable that he is stabilized- he was hating the Daytrana patch for his ADHD so we have switched to Concerta. He was so sad every night as I had to take off the patch- while I know it didnt really hurt him, he was afraid it would hurt and that was causing anxiety. The huge tears he cried as I took of the patch every night just wasnt worth it so the doctor and I have agreed to try a pill instead. He started Concerta this morning, and we had a good day, but it wasnt a well focused, attending day. However it also wasnt an unfocused scattered day, so I guess it was good.
Matthew is apparently status quo at school. I had asked the teacher for more feedback because he was spending time in the quiet room 3 of the 5 days last week, and that was of concern for me. For her this is not of concern, and I get that....at home, if we had a quiet room, he would have been there every night this week just about...but I still havent wrapped my head around the reality that he is out of control at school now also....I know it's been a year, it is time for me to wrap my head around this reality but I still remember the Matthew that no one would have believed was out of control at home. The Matthew that I tried to explain to others, because he was always perfect outside our house.....now this Matthew sems to be gone, so when he is in and out of the quiet room it is not significant enough to warrant a phone call home. Recently it wasnt even significant enough to be noted in his notebook- there wasn't time....when did it get this bad? When did he get this out of control? Why???
The highlight of the last 2 days has been that David has pooped on the toilet. He is 6.5 years old and I cheered and high fived last night when he pooped on the toilet at Border's Book Store. I must have looked so silly. How many people cheer for a six year old who has pooped on a toilet for the first time? This is my life.
There is hope, since today he pooped in the toilet once and in his pants once, that we are on the road to success, if I watch and listen closely enough to his cues. If I can get him to have success in the toilet a few more times, maybe we will be on the road to complete toilet training before he is 7. This will make him toilet trained younger than Matthew- This is supposed to be something to cheer about? UGH.....it seems so silly. I am an educator. I have been unable to train my 2 children in such a simple life skill. I know they have not been ready, and I am a believer that you cannot teach this skill until a child is truly ready...but still while I am proud, and excited to be sure, it seems like an odd thing to be cheering over!
I need to plan some fun into our lives. I need some care free excitement that we can enjoy. Today we hit a playground and that was carefree and fun for me. The boys were great, we were with friends and it was fun. Tonight we watched a movie and snuggled on the couch and that was also good. But when I am alone at night after they are sleeping I am in a deep funk. When I am not in the chaos of managing all 3 of them during the day there is no time for funk, but it hits and hits hard as soon as they are sleeping.
Tomorrow Matthew has some reshab time, so that will be good- David and Jacob and I will either nap, or maybe we will find something fun to do together. For next weekend I need to make sure to schedule something to look forward to. Something that I can spend the week getting excited about. Something either with or without the boys, but something that makes it worth going through the week.
The goal is to enjoy the easy times that come between the chaos. That time is now. The goal is to enjoy the here and now. I am going to try really hard- to snuggle and giggle and enjoy tomorrow as a regular day. That is my promise tonight!
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