today's questions

I can spend a lot of my time beating myself up....I am actually very, very good at it. I like to beat myself up or question myself so that others dont have to. In my head all day have been the following questions....
1. Do you think Matthew would have been like this wherever he lived?
2. Do you think there is REALLY something wrong with Matthew?
3. How could one person REALLY adopt 2 kids with special needs? What are the chances of that?
4. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I don't spend enough time with them. Maybe I spend TOO much time with them. Maybe I don't really know how to be a good mom. Maybe I watch them TOO closely. Maybe I dont watch them closely enough. Maybe it is true---you really do need TWO parents in a household.

5. Could I really have adopted TWO kids with needs?

Whenever I call Four Winds I am hearing how GREAT Matthew is. Of course he is great. Why don't I EVER see him as great? Why is this kid who is AWESOME for so many such a struggle at home? Such a struggle at school? Maybe school is the problem? But if school is the problem, then home HAS to be the problem also.

Matthew is cute, and funny and endearing...for a while...but he is also all encompassing, and exhausting, and repetitive. Sure, today when I was there for an hour and I had an hour JUST for MATTHEW, we played cards, played CANDYLAND, and chatted- but I never get to really chat with Matthew. There is no chatting, in the give and take sense of chatting. It is like he talks AT you.

The day is a report- "I had pancakes and cereal, we went outside, we played basketball I like basketball, do you see the hoops. I am good at that. well goodbye it is snack time, my group is going outside.

ME- Matthew I just got here. Let's play some more, and chat.

Him- NO, that's ok. It's snack time, I have to go.

ME- Let's go find out if it's snack time.

Him- no that's ok, oh alright.....we found out it wasn't snack time.....
Him- I ride on the bikes, you need a helmet, I have lots of friends here. My friend william is my roommate- this is his bed, he got the girl bed. He has a Dora blanket. I have spiderman. We watched a movie about a dog. It is funny but inappropriate. There are bad words. I have to go get snack.

Three times we asked if it was snack time. Three times it wasn't snack time. I was there for an hour, and while we played a few games, there is no emotional connection. I guess that is what makes this so hard. I am mourning for Matthew. I am missing Matthew. I don't want a goddamn report. I want a "mom I love you, I am so sorry. Please take me home. I am so sorry. I miss you".

That is not coming....I can prompt him to say it, but it is not genuine. Does he not know that my heart is broken without him at home. That my brain is fighting. I want my family whole again, but I want life to be easier. I want to find him funny and cute and endearing, but part of that means that there is give and take between he and I, and with matthew there is no give and take.